It's disheartening to wake to this reality daily....I get that! There are days where I just want to wake and feel normal again, to feel like my old life and happiness are back, to have a day where I can 'forget' this happened for a break. To feel like I'm me again, and not some sad, angry, hurt woman. At 1yr out I'm starting to feel like we can get through it, but from 8-12m I went through a lot of questioning, anger and resentment - I think it's normal to question if this path will work for you. I personally chose not to make life long decisions based on my current emotions, because emotions can be overpowering and change so quickly. I feel like IF we are not going to make it, the decision will be clear in my head and not leave me questioning it years later. Staying is a choice, leaving is a choice, but another choice that doesn't get mentioned as much is trying (sounds similar to staying, but hopefully I can explain what I mean below)...trying didn't feel as overwhelming as either of the other two to me, continuing to heal together, and if it doesn't work out then you have the option to end things. I'm not one to feel that trying is a waste of time with a remorseful spouse, nor do I feel that it is fence sitting. I felt for a long time like I had to choose the M or choose to leave...conclusive solid decisions on either side that I wasn't willing or able to make. MC fed into this notion. But then I realized one day, that if I stay it doesn't have to be forever. If this ends up being too much for me, then I still have the option to get out at any time. It just felt less overwhelming this way, with this perspective, like I could handle the day to day better. "Staying" felt like jumping in with both feet, committing for life, and with what he's handed me I am still not sure that I can do that. "Leaving" meant throwing away the family I built with him, the life we had together and the love I still feel we share. "trying" means I am going through my grieving, working on rebuilding our trust and commitment to each other and if at any point it doesn't feel like the right path for me, I know I have other options still....hope that explanation makes sense! If H is behaving with remorse, then a big part of the battle is complete.
Take it day by day - you will have good and bad days, you will have days that feel overwhelmingly like you can't do this...I have had plenty! Don't be hard on yourself in your process, focus on your healing and the M will follow if it's meant to be (IMO). Try to do some things for you that give you enjoyment - coffee with gfs, walks, exercise, read, buy something special, etc. Those little things have helped me feel refreshed and distracted at times, and have offered a bit of relief from the constant emotional struggle. If you don't know how you feel right now, that's ok. I've had those feelings of just knowing my love for him, my respect for him, etc just aren't the same right now, but hopefully with time he'll regain these things in my eyes to some degree.
Crying is releasing some of your pain, it's helping you grieve. Allowing the emotions to be felt is what helps them subside according to my IC, so don't be hard on yourself for having so much pain still...you're not alone. Take care
