SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So many new names that I don't recognize!

I decided to take a bit of an SI break last year (not that I was a really frequent poster anyway) so that I could focus on my IRL relationships, but now I'm back looking for your infinite wisdom.

Began dating "B" approximately 6 months ago. Things are/were great. We have a lot of the same interests, respect and trust each other. As we all know, the trust part is the hardest. It just feels so natural with him, I never thought I'd get that back with anyone again.

So why am I here? There is always a "but"...

He dropped a bomb on me yesterday. He told me that while he could see himself with me for the rest of his life, wants to get married, have kids, etc. he doesn't see himself as being able to be with one person physically for the rest of his life. I'm crushed you guys, completely crushed.

He told me he believes in "emotional monogamy" but doesn't believe that it is natural to be with one person physically forever. He said he would never want to hurt me and would never lie to me, but he sees sex as just sex

I told him I didn't feel the same way and then he started to backtrack a bit. I know I mean a lot to him and I know he doesn't want to screw this up, but this isn't something we can compromise on.

I don't know what to do. I can't pretend we didn't have this talk. I can't really confront him right now as I left yesterday for a work trip (right after this came to light.) Ultimately, I will need to end this if we can't agree and my point of view sure isn't changing!

Is this something even worth discussing with him or is it dead in the water? Is this something views can change on once faced with an ultimatum?

I'll be honest when I say that at times in my life I have viewed sex as just sex and I have changed. I don't know, the whole thing just makes me feel sick.

completeshock...I'm so sorry.

For me, that would be a deal breaker. It is too bad this topic didn't come up (no pun intended) earlier in your relationship. I simply couldn't handle that. I know people have open marriages and such, and it works for them if both people are on the same page.

Even if he backtracked and said it didn't really matter...knowing how he feels, do you think you could trust him... forever?

cmego, thanks. Deep down, I know you're right. Oddly enough though, this hasn't shaken my trust in him which almost makes it harder. It was never the physical parts of the A that bothered me, it was the deceit.

There is always a "but"

I'm sorry CS, but this guy is nothing but a cheater dressed in nice guy clothes. People can and do practice monogamy, he just chooses not to. Like con artists, cheaters fit in with the public very easily. They gain your confidence while raiding your bank account. And after all when you look at it being cheated on is nothing more then an emotional con. You bought what you thought was a diamond only to get a lump of shit instead. Onward and upward my friend. Shake this one off and get back on the horse when your ready. There is an honest one out there waiting for you, I promise you that !!!!

I'd be royally pissed off at the guy. You've been together 6 months and now this is something he brings up? Oh no, I think he just found somebody he'd like to shag and so he brings this up to see if you will give him a pass to go have some "fun".

After that discussion, there would be no way I'd be able to trust that he'd be faithful. I'd have to move on.

To be fair, this has come up before but the context was a bit different. I don't think he's cheating or found someone.

The whole thing just sucks.

This leopard is not going to change his spots, so don't think you are going to come to a 'meeting of the minds'.

So my question now is, do I call him to discuss this or wait until I get back? I feel as though I should do it in person, but I won't be back until next Sat. or Sun. this is driving me nuts.

do I call him to discuss this or wait until I get back?

What's to discuss? You can't unhear this comment. He said it because it's what he thinks. You've even acknowledged that he's said it before but you ignored it because of context (i.e. you were making excuses).

Wait until you get back, and then meet up with him somewhere and end it.

I'm sorry.

Thanks guys, that is what I've needed to hear.

In the meantime, what do I do when he calls/texts? We check in with each other multiple times a day. Do I just act as though nothing has changed? I don't really want to get into this over the phone, but I dont' know if I can hide my disappointment.

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you. I also wanted to say how great it is that you are seeing this as a deal breaker and acting on it. Its easy to want hide your head in the sand about something like this. (or well, it would be easy for *me* to want to hide my head in the sand)

[This message edited by brokeninfl at 8:41 AM, July 21st (Monday)]

((completeshock))

This sucks. Really, how did he ever think that this would be OK with you, knowing your past? He may not be cheating now, but was just looking for permission, imho.

I'm sorry.

He doesn't know my past.

I've been working so hard to leave the past in the past that I never mentioned it, he has no idea.

[This message edited by completeshock at 11:53 AM, July 21st (Monday)]

I think you don't have to read past your tagline to know the answer. It's right there. So sorry this turned out this way.

Oh this hurts my heart to even read. I would definitely want to have a face to face conversation with this man before I made any decisions but I would never have a child with somebody who freely admits that they have no intention of being monogamous.

Even if he said that he would stay in a monogamous relationship with you this would always be in the back of my head.

he doesn't see himself as being able to be with one person physically for the rest of his life.

I'm really sorry completeshock.

I think he just found somebody he'd like to shag and so he brings this up to see if you will give him a pass to go have some "fun".

^^^this. This is the first thing of thought.

I am so sorry.

THIS:

I think you don't have to read past your tagline to know the answer. It's right there. So sorry this turned out this way.

((Completeshock))

I agree. I think he brought this up at this time for a reason. You are out of town, he has someone he is interested in, he told you he's not physically monogamous, so to him it's not cheating.

I wouldn't meet face to face or have some big long discussion. I would just say this relationship doesn't work for you and wish him the best. You deserve better.

I don't post much in NB but just had to tell you that X said basically the same thing early on. He followed it up with "You may really really like steak but you don't want to think about eating it every night for the rest of your life".

He followed that up with "but I haven't closed the door on that. I could change my mind".

I stupidly believed that what we had was soooo special.