SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was married before. My first husband seemed great at first (don't they all?) he had a winery and was a great cook. Unfortunately he also was a jealous alcoholic and one night tried to cut my throat with a kitchen knife. That was the last time I saw him, I ran out the door, got a restraining order and a divorce. That was 20 yrs ago and I never think about it anymore. It feels like something that happened to someone else. I did think of him today though, I got an invite from a neighbor for a wine tasting week-end and wondered how I would feel if I saw him again.

I don't think I'd be scared, his jealousy wouldn't be directed at me anymore. I certainly don't care a hoot about him, not even enough to be mad at him. I think I would just look at him with pity and then I would go back to forgetting all about him again.

Is this forgiveness? I don't have any anger toward him and I don't spend any energy thinking of him.

Maybe it's the time that has passed that allows me to feel this way towards him, or maybe it's that I left and went on with a new life. Right now I can't imagine not being angry and hurt by WS and his affair. I can't imagine ever forgiving him for all the things he's done even before the affair.

Surely if I can forgive MURDER for crying out loud I can forgive my husband a few years of being an asshole and then cheating on me for another couple. I mean now he's Prince Charming! But I don't see getting past this, I can't see ever letting it go. We have kids so there would be no way to just divorce and never see him again so staying to "work things out" seems like the best plan - but I have so much anger and resentment! At least the Ex-H could claim he was drunk/doesn't remember/had a drinking problem/can go to rehab or whatever. WS for years soberly lied to me and exposed me to Lord knows what diseases, he left me at home with the kids with no money while he flew off to have sexy weekends, telling me I was sacrificing for his job and for our family.

I can imagine if the ex ever gets into AA he may call me to right the wrong and I can imagine telling him I forgive him. WS? Can't imagine.

Am I insane???

I feel that your detachment from your first husband has allowed your healing and forgiving process to run his course. With your current H, I think that you see him and all the issues come back. If he is doing the right things now and you've both have better communication and transparency then I would suggest focusing on the present more than the past and that will help you in moving forward.

I don't think it's forgiveness. I think it's indifference.

You haven't absolved him, the threat just doesn't feel compelling after so many years. The predator has turned his attention to other prey. You can go to the watering hole because he's not looking at you.

My 2 cents.