SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am sick beyond words. Have been married for 14 years (together 17) to someone I truly thought was my soul mate!! Just found out Mon night (because I caught him!!) that he's been getting handjobs at AMP's for the past few years!! What started out as looking me in the eye and swearing on his father's grave it was only once and only a HJ, even when I had credit card proof of 2 other instances, has now evolved into "maybe 10 times" over the last few years, but still, "I swear, nothing more than a HJ!" I can't believe a word he says and I still think he's holding back!! I am so devastated I can't even see straight...had to call into work today - couldn't bear to bring myself into the office! I have always been so vocal about how infidelity would be the end of the line for me and he did it anyway! Swears he loves me, has been crying like a baby, wants nothing more than for us to stay together so he can prove he's sorry and will be a better man. He made an IC appt for Sat, so he's taking initiative, but I just can't believe anything!! I swore I would walk out in a heartbeat if this even happened to me, but I love this man and I thought we had a really good marriage. We spend ALL of our time together, we're "different" than most couples (or so I thought!!). We have no kids, no fights over $$, none of the usual stuff that causes strain in a marriage. We do have however a non-existent sex life - maybe once or twice a year. I suffer from vulvodynia and endometreosis which results in painful sex, so my desire to have it is very limited. We have always had very open conversations about this - me wanting to make sure this isn't negatively affecting him, asking him to let me know if he's even considering straying, etc. And he has always done nothing but assure me everything is fine and he is a faithful and supportive partner! Then look what he does!! He said it wasn't even for the sex or orgasm, it's because he thinks he's trying to subconsciously ruin his life!! I think that's BS!! What do I do??? I don't want to throw the rest of my life away with this man, but I'm scared I can never trust him or look at him the same again. We had such big plans for our future. I'm not worried to leave due to $$ reasons, I'm independent and capable...I'm just not sure I want to leave because I love him and love being with him, but HE BETRAYED ME!!!! What do I do?? I made an appt for IC this Sat as well. I don't want to tell family or friends and I feel so alone. And to top it all off, his mother is in hospice dying of cancer and will pass any day/week now. Help!!!

I know this must be so painful for you. Im glad you found this site. Here are some initial thoughts:

I have always been so vocal about how infidelity would be the end of the line for me and he did it anyway! ....I swore I would walk out in a heartbeat if this even happened to me, but I love this man and I thought we had a really good marriage.

I see this over and over. I really wish people would reconsider their "tough talk" in early stages of relationships where they swear they'll walk if the partner cheats. I've never said this. Now you just look weak if you don't follow though. Its better to tell you partner how devastated you'd be if they cheated.

That being said, I think you should physically separate for a while at least. Can he go live at his mother's house? He needs real consequences. If you just do counseling, and continue on, he really hasn't suffered any consequences yet YOU have suffered horrible pain.

He said it wasn't even for the sex or orgasm, it's because he thinks he's trying to subconsciously ruin his life!! I think that's BS!!

Now this is rich. You're right it is complete BS. The "wanting to ruin my life" bit is just turning the focus back on "poor him" so you feel sorry for him. He did it b/c it felt good!!

My first priority would be:

1. STD tests for both

2. POLYGRAPH TEST

3. Full investigation into cell/computer. I fear you've only seen the tip of the iceburg. Most men start off online, chatting, ads, personals -- and escalate to actual in person interactions. I suspect he's been up to no good online too.

How old are you two?

My concern is he didn't feel any guilt or have any problem living his normal life while he was doing this. It was only until he got CAUGHT that he is now horrified at what he's done? Yeah right.

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 3:33 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

Thanks ShiningAutumn8. All very good points. He has offered to leave and I have told him that's a cop out...he just doesn't want to look me in the eye and face the music. But, maybe he should leave. I also think you maybe right about that this over the top guilt, although it might be somewhat sincere now, he has managed to live and act normal for several years - no guilt...I'm only seeing that now that he's been caught!!

BTW - I'm 42 and he'll be 50 this Oct. So much for the big 50th b-day plans!! He deserves nothing!

[This message edited by Betrayal10fold at 3:42 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

You're absolutely right. He deserves nothing for his 50th. Very sorry you find yourself here Betrayal10fold but welcome to SI. Maybe 10 times and I swear only a hj is complete bullshit. Unfortunately every single time there is more to come. It's referred to as TT (trickle truth). He's going to minimize things because he's just been caught. That's what all the sniveling you see is. He's not remorseful yet. He's full of regret. I totally agree with ShiningAutumn8 in that he's trying to make himself look like the victim. Another sign of regret and not true remorse. If it was true remorse he would be in the OMG what have I done phase which usually doesn't come until later.

Know this Betrayal10fold. His cheating has nothing to do with your medical conditions. Something in him is broken which is what allowed him to do this to you and himself in the first place. There are many many other options that could have happened first including talking to you first. he needs to figure out his why he is broken in addition to figuring out why he cheated. Know that this is not your fault. While you are sorting through what to do, you can find most of the abbreviations that are used on SI here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

Read up on the 180 so that you can decide if you want to use it later. It is designed for you to detach and can be found under BS FAQ here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target thread here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Great Posts for Newbies to Read

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

On a completely separate side note, honestly your medical issues as far as I'm concerned have nothing to do with him acting out. My wife has very similar medical issues and sex was not enjoyable for either of us for a few years. Long story. But the short version is we turned towards each other, kicked down some inhibitions, and have a very enjoyable, intimate, and fun sex life together even if we can't always have "conventional" sex. This is a completely separate thing and in my opinion is not an issue as to why he did what he did. He could have turned to you first.

Keep reading. Keep posting. We are here for you.

yop

eta - typos

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 8:42 AM, July 31st (Thursday)]

I do have a bit of knowledge about asian massage parlers and some other unsavory issues because of my line of work.

Typically, handjobs is all they offer, although if you laid down $200 some places might offer more. Unless you are very well off, it's the kind of money that would be hard to hide.

Men who go there see it locally or hear about it from friends. There isn't an escalation to it per se. Because it is impersonal and typically with older fairly unattractive women, it isn't going to bring so much guilt as shame. For most, it's just a step better than masturbation. No kissing, no orgasm for the girl, and likely little attraction; you are probably hotter!

While rare, intercourse would be with a condom. These women are street smart. I'd be more worried about a co worker where unprotected means more spontanaiety and fun.

Sorry you are going through this. My suspicion is that its more than 10, but that HJ is what happened. That's what most men I know about are getting, and all they would want from there.

Feel free to PM me

[This message edited by Nitrobob at 9:12 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

While I don't doubt everything Nitrobob said is true, I think the previous references to escalation do not me at the Asian Massage Parlor. I think the escalation referenced means, men who typically go to them for years do not just stick to that. They escalate to other activities with hookers, anonymous encounters, one night stands, etc. I tend to agree, given his reaction there is more to this story than he is admitting to. Goes right with the WS handbook, they rarely confess to the full magnitude of what they have done upfront. Please do everything ShiningAutumn suggested.

I am so sorry this happened to you. You do not deserve this.

Asian massage parlor a gateway drug?

Maybe not. Had a friend used to go AMP every week. Hookers entail risk(getting arrested), and expense(fee,hotels) etc. Also sex with a condom a turn off for married men. At least the hand isn't gloved!

If you have discovered ten visits, that's what he likes.

I'm not saying there might not be more. You should check cell cards computer etc. just saying its not unheard of to go AMP like getting your haircut.

Gently, I'm assuming that you provided sex in all of the other ways besides intercourse. If not, why not? I'm trying to understand why HJ couldn't be done at home.

[This message edited by Nitrobob at 10:38 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]

I am sorry that this is happening in your life.

I just want to address something that was mentioned above:

You are NOT responsible for any of your husband's behavior. NONE. OF. IT.

It does not matter what type of sex you were having with him, how often, etc. etc. HE broke his vows. There are several members here whose spouses/partners frequented those places and we were BLINDSIDED. It certainly wasn't because we were not "providing" at home. To suggest that her husband went to these places because she is not providing at be home is simply not true. Never met Betrayal10fold, but I bet I am right.

My husband has been to AMP at least 40 times. He is a sex addict. He was molested as a child. Cold, unemotional mother. Sexual anorexia (not having sex with spouse). Started with excessive masturbation, then porn, then strip clubs, then AMP's.

I am not saying your husband is a sex addict, but I think you should research it a bit.

I hope you are taking care of yourself. Stay hydrated. Make sure you eat. Get tested. Demand to see his test results. Follow the money. Run a credit check on him. See if he has secret credit cards or outstanding loans you don't know about. My husband had both.

PM me any time. Keep posting.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been married 10 years and he went to AMPs for the last 4 years! He spent over $15,000. We are in MC and IC. Some days I look at him and wonder who the hell he is. Take care of YOU!