SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My BH decided to book some trips, so I've been spending a couple weekends alone lately. I used to think, pre-D-Day, that weekends alone were amazing. I would think in advance about places I would go and things I would do that my H would scoff at and not be interested in. In short, I treated them like "single me" time. He is understandably very nervous about leaving me alone now, because we traced several of my affair activities to weekends when he was out of town. I feel horrible that his trips have to involve so much pain and worry now. He says things like "well, I'd rather see your true colors sooner rather than later so just do what you want and remember that my senses are heightened and I will find out if you do something." I notice a huge change in the way I think about weekends alone. Now, they scare the crud out of me. I get anxious because I worry that he will be thinking horrible things about me. I think about how the activities would be different if he were there. I prevent myself from progress during these weekends because I rely so much on him for guidance on how to think and feel. I don't want to be this dependent, and I think in the past it may have just fueled my tendency to feel the need to escape every once in a while. I actually went to a church tonight and just sat outside on a bench and cried and looked at the statues. I didn't really pray so much as wonder why I had gotten to that place and why I had strayed so far from the kind of person I wanted to become. Then I became angry because I used to think of churches as places of refuge but so few of them are actually open when people are in need of a place to go and think/pray. Just needed to get the feelings out. Thanks for reading.

I rely so much on him for guidance on how to think and feel

Tell me more about this. Is this unique to your marriage, or have you always relied on others for this kind of guidance?

I think I get what you mean, in your tagline, about "trying to learn how to be human," because I've had similar thoughts. One of the defining characteristics of humanity, though, is fallibility. Making bad choices or mistakes doesn't make you, or me, any less human.

Well, I guess I mean that I'm not sure I had much of a conscience left, or much in the way of shame or humility. Lately I've (1) acted, (2) elicited/listened to his reaction, (3) then tried to think through what it would be like to think in his terms so that next time I can have the option to think/act differently. He is a very intelligent and reasonable person, and has acted sort of as my guide back to the kind of person that we can both say is a wife and potential future mother. Without him here, it isn't like I "fall off the wagon" really. I mostly stayed home, exercised, took care of the cat, cooked, read a book. The things that were different were the following: I slept more, had less of a planned out/set schedule, watched more TV, did tasks in a different order than we would have together....I certainly didn't do anything that would jeopardize the marriage, but I did things slightly differently, and I didn't feel rushed into doing activities like I do when he is around and we have a "joint schedule". Okay maybe I felt a little lazy for sleeping in. And a little guilty for watching TV instead of working on my paper.

I always considered myself fairly independent, so it is strange to think that I relied on others for guidance on how to think and feel.

I know that none of what I just mentioned is wrong but just the fact that I do things a bit differently, does that mean that I am destined to be unhappy and feel like I'm suppressing myself in the relationship? I don't want him to feel like he always has to be a model citizen for my sake, but generally, he is. I also don't want to act so selfish. It isn't always about how I feel. I need to be able to suppress my own need to feel "content/happy/hyper in the moment" all the time, and recognize what I could be doing to better our future in terms of working harder, developing goals, etc.

He often asks me what I would do if he wasn't around. If I would start drinking again, or go to bars alone, or flirt with men. I wouldn't do those things anymore even if I was separated from him. They make me feel icky to think about.

[This message edited by TheWorstCase at 10:28 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)]