SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was in a relationship (close to a year and a half) he was older, a musician, and I thought we were in love. He was gentle, soft spoken and very charismatic to women and men. he was loving and sweet, always called and checked in. Mom loved him. He called me his wife even though we were only bf and gf. we ended up breaking up, during this time I discovered the following

I found out from a mutual friend that he had called her drunk late at night (and she would too) saying inappropriate things to her of course and she to him. Strangely this girl was the one who comforted me during my breakup. little by little I started to realize that her friendship with my ex wasn't so innocent and over dinner one night she came clean with all this information. I became concerned and when she said she wouldn't be able to control herself around him and could possibly sleep with him I terminated the friendship right away.

Because of this incident I believe he has been unfaithful to me all along as there were stories I had heard. He always said people would try to tear us apart. someone once contacted me trying to warn me that he had another gf in another city but I trusted my partner as opposed to strangers. I trusted him with all my heart.

He won't admit to anything now, I'm upset and hurt. I feel abandoned by him and in my heart of hearts I know if I mattered he would at least be honest. we had agreed during the breakup to being on a break and I told him id wait for him and he sent me a text saying he misses me and loves me. but once I found out this, I sent all his belongings back to him.

I wonder if people can change. I wonder if he ever really loved me.

How do you get through....

[This message edited by aliceayres at 4:01 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

(((Alice))) I know how you feel. Pretty much ALL of us know how you feel.

I think what you're seeking is validation - validation that you meant something and that your presence in his life MEANT something to him. I recall wanting to get validation so badly years ago when I went through something similar to your situation. I desperately needed to know that I had 'counted' and wasn't just some flotsam that had sailed through his life without meaning.

But really, words are empty. Even when I got my so-called validation from him months later, it rang hollow to me because he'd already shown me by his actions that he didn't care ENOUGH. Some people simply aren't capable of following a moral compass, and he was one of them.

It would appear your ex is one of them, as well. It's unfortunate for us when we put our hearts and trust in the hands of those who don't nearly value love and loyalty like we do, and we get hurt. But that's not our faults that they're not capable of being better people. We can't control that, nor can we change it. We're really just collateral damage after passing through their lives. And some of these people NEVER get it.

I think you were wise to move on, Alice. When someone shows you who they ARE, believe them.

Never again,

thank you for replying to my post, I have been struggling for a couple of months now. It helps to know there are people who can relate, people with good hearts. People who believe in love. To me love, it's very sacred.

I dream about him every night, even in my dreams I'm trying to resolve it. it's really a nightmare, I've become quite depressed.

I really believed in him. I thought he was the reason everyone else didn't work out.

I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again...

It's sad to know how prevalent this kind of thing is. I guess it been a learning experience overall. I'm trying desperately to be strong again.

((((((((aliceayres)))))))))

Something my therapist drilled into my head

"You know the truth"

I also heard the rumors and dismissed then because I trusted my husband. In hindsight, I was avoiding the truth, in denial, wearing rose colored glasses, whatever you want to call it. It's looking the other way - not seeing the truth. But deep down, I knew. If I'm honest with myself, when I heard about this girl or that girl I would for a second wonder- then dismiss the thought!

I wonder if you did also?

More hugs,

K

I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again..

Alice, this may sound unkind and you may not truly understand this right now at this moment, but I really hope for your sake that you don't hear from him again.

I say that because right now you're very vulnerable and would probably allow him back into your life once more based on his empty promises of 'having seen the light.' He's done nothing but cheat on you according to your first post (based on all the stories you'd heard while you were with him) and people like this don't suddenly do a 180 and become saints. They don't.

Oh, they'll make promises and claim they've had an epiphany and maybe for a couple of months or even a year, they very well may be choir boys. But then they revert right back to form.

You've been given the gift of sight, Alice. Someone up there CHOSE to give you the gift of sight for a reason.

Sending you strength and peace of heart and mind.

yes, I too believe trust is such a special gift to give someone. I like that quote you have about trust, it rings true.

There was one time, one occasion that I started to doubt him, but he was always the voice of reason. and I could have digged deeper but out of my love for him I felt a sense of regret for ever questioning him. I realize now you can't trust someone no matter how much you love them. love is blinding sometimes

I don't think he will ever get in touch we did leave off on bad terms. He denied everything and as usual made me out to be crazy. Every one else was always crazy too, every confrontation, every other woman, even his friends.

hugs <3

Thank you for understanding and I do appreciate your honesty. in my mind I know what's right, it's just that little heart you know. I pray for strength for all of us on here. thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone in this.