SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been two months since the truth of a brief affair 2years ago came out. Like most of you have experienced, there have been ups and downs. Lately more ups thankfully but triggers tend to creep in around the same time and last for days. Usually around my period. I realize that my hormones are a big part of it but my confidence is the root of the problem.

I was always secure in our relationship. I never worried it I wasn't enough. Now I question everything in myself. Am I attractive, interesting, more than he'll ever need going forward. Since the reveal, he has done nothing but show me how much I mean I him. Because the affair was two years ago and ended back then, he told he me he fell in love with me all over again. He has assured me that should never be a worry of mine, that he would never do hat to me and our marriage again. He has seen how great of relationship has become. He has made comments like he wants to be the best decision I ever made. I believe in him.

Still I don't believe in me. I mourn not being loved unconditionally. I mourn our purity. I wonder if I will sustain his interest as we age. I'm not the same girl he chose to marry 13 yrs ago. My belly is soft and my boobs have shrunk from having three babies. Wrinkles have creeped in around my eyes from stress. I desire a perky butt. I can't compete with youth and other attractive women that turn heads.

Recently his office manager hired from what I gather a knockout of a woman who is divorced and available. My husband who is attractive and successful gets hit on all the time. I can't control that. So now, even though I have never met this woman, I wonder if she will grab his attention. I can't control if he cheats again. At times I feel like a sitting duck, waiting for it to happen again. At other times, I feel so loved.

Will I ever feel confident in myself again? I question having breast surgery, waking before the house to hit the gym, taking up a new hobby (something I would never do like archery etc). I did decide to go back to school and obtain a new degree/career since my youngest will be starting kindergarten (I have been at home for 8 yrs as a SAHM) Truly the decision came from wondering how I was going to support my self and kids but has given me a slight boost in my confidence. My plan B you could say but I am trying to make something of myself career wise. I feel as if I need to reinvent myself.

I would love to hear if others in my shoes have tried things that left them happy with themselves. I know I can't make him love me but this A has left me not loving myself. I just want to get to the point that no matter if we succeed in R or not, I am happy and confident in myself. That I am good enough for someone to love.

((((BF))))

I could have written you post! Even the triggers around my period!

I had already been training in martial arts for a year when I had my DDay, but it helped me a lot. Recently I have been out of it due to an injury that has kept me out for months...maybe forever. I have been really struggling because not only am I not training but I have gained 10 lbs.

Anyway, I wanted to to know that I feel every word of your post and struggle with the EXACT same feelings. I would recommend martial arts as a way to feel powerful, in control of yourself, and confident. I was so scared to try it as an older "mom", but it has been great!

What helps me is realizing that I am NOT the reason for the A. My WH has never once said it was because he didn't love me, or was unhappy. His reasons are because he was so unhappy with himself, and had low self esteem.

Has your WH figured out his "why"? Did he blame you or the marriage?

I do feel my self esteem a little lower, i think it comes from the realization that I was so naive and thought he would never hurt me this way. I have to let go of what I thought the marriage would be, and who I thought I would be in the marriage, and we have to try to build something new from the ashes. Its hard as hell, but try not to compare yourself to OW. She has nothing on you. She was weak to sleep with a married man. You are strong. You are resolute for choosing to offer him R. Focus on how strong and powerful you are. You aren't as weak as you may think because your actions are not showing you to be. Keep your chin up! :)

I have all the same feels. It's hard. He says (and does) all the right things but he's still the guy that slept with those other women. He had online chats, sexts, all of it. It's hard to truly internalize that it wasn't due to something lacking in me. I've had four kids and it shows. :( He has four kids too of course, but it doesn't show. On top of it, I'm sadder now and less fun. Less carefree. Sigh...

And then I remember! They're freakin lucky to have us! We are awesome and loveable and kind and so strong!!!

((hugs))

Your idea a new hobby sounds great, I'd go with that keep your mind busy.

There was a post not too long ago how the BH or BW always down grade when they have an A. It's so true... Believe in yourself and be proud of YOU! There is always going to be someone who's prettier or smarter than you but NO ONE can be YOU!! Remember that!

Your husband loves you for you! Keep being positive.

Make your life about you. In your thread you keep talking about him and what he will like. Do things for you NOT him! Also, you seem to focus on looks. He does find you attractive or he wouldn't have married you, do things to gain your own confidence. Sleep 7-8 hours/night, exercise 30 minutes/day. Make "me" time for yourself; mani/pedi, lunch/movies with friends. You are a good person tap back into who you are! Once you do this you won't care so much what he thinks.

I can't thank you enough for your repliest, just knowing that there is this circle of complete strangers that understand and embrace each other has been so helpful. I guess I reflect on those times where things went stale. I threw myself into being the best mom and forgot what it meant to still be a woman. He threw himself into a career and forgot how to maintain a successful marriage. He admitted he was unhappy. Valued me as a good mother to our kids but felt I lost myself and there was nothing left to me. In a way he was right. I focused making homemade cakes, crazy crafting projects that really only gave me bragging rights to other moms. I finally realized that nothing that mattered to my kids. They could tell the difference between a store bought cake or one I spent hours making from scratch.

My H said recently that he knows that it wasn't fair to put that all on me at the time, he was the one that asked me to stay home with the kids. He understands now that I was just trying to fulfill a role I was trying to learn on my own. I too understand that he was trying to achieve the most success he could since he was the sole provider. So it's fair to say We both lost who we were.

I am still trying to find myself. I will never understand why he didn't reject the OW's advances so my insecurities constantly haunt me. Because I know now, at the time of the A, I wasn't enough.

Since we started rebuilding I can honesty say that we have been more in tune with each other...a team supporting each. I just need to work on me . All of your words truly made me feel stronger than I give myself correct for. I have to believe that I will find a peace with myself and be comfortable in my own skin someday. So thank you again for your encouragement and allowing me to stand a little taller today.

[This message edited by BrokenFuture at 5:19 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]