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Newest Member: HurtinVa63

General :
feeling worthless

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 FUBAR858 (original poster new member #40515) posted at 3:22 AM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014

A few days ago I wrote a post called carpe diem failure gripe. I got a lot of nice responses and thank you who did.

Here's my issue - tonight is night two of two being home until work starts again. Last night when WW got home, we didn't kiss until she went to bed. Tonight we cuddled on the couch and kissed a bit. WW shot down any advances I made and made a comment that sounded like it came from my post. She's on SI and I'm OK with her reading what I post. I asked her if she read it and she claims she did. Now she has read my feelings yet still nothing. I feel like I'm nothing but security for her, just the husband/ father figure for the family. Like she's keeping me around because she doesn't want to be labeled as a single parent. If that's true or she's no longer attracted to me then grow up and just tell me. Stop stringing me along. I feel like she's disgusted with me for some reason and can't even bare to touch me. Now I'll be gone for the next 5 nights and she doesn't have to worry about me trying to get my love language. This also worries me, I know so of you are thinking this, is she having another A? This is all killing me. I'm becoming unhappy, frustrated, and disappointed. Hell I don't even care if something happened to me at work, maybe then I'll feel wanted. I'm completely lost, what should I do? I need input ASAP!!!

posts: 44   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2013
id 6909019
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moonmatt ( new member #44309) posted at 3:32 AM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014

Friend, I don't know the other posts you've done but all I can say is HOLD ON. Hold on to hope. Hope that this can change. Lord knows I'm there now. Choose love even if you don't want to. Choose to continue to love because its what is needed. Don't give up. Keep going even when you feel like giving up. I've been... I'm still there myself. You are not worthless. You are a person, just like your spouse, who needs love. Even if you aren't receiving it continue to love her.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2014
id 6909028
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OC1995 ( new member #43127) posted at 9:57 AM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014

Hello FUBAR,

Being a WH, I lurk on the Wayward side. I just want to let you know that a lot of the WW there feel cheap, tawdry, and used by affair sex. Quickie sex may be reinforcing that feeling.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2014
id 6909188
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Mac4 ( member #43122) posted at 1:37 PM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014

FUBAR, makes me feel the same way. Wish I had advice but I'm struggling with the same question. I find myself reading endlessly on how to improve romance, redkindle sexual desire, etc. Because in the wake of the A I feel my wife has no sexual desire for me. Sure she wants to stay with me. We're parents, I provide her support, she is a stay at home mom. I give her the life that she enjoys. But I want to feel wanted to, and affection is my # 1 love language, this absolutely needs to improve. I wish you luck with your struggle, and will hope others might have better insight into how to get past this obstacle in R.

BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

posts: 242   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 6909283
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tearingaway ( member #28618) posted at 2:30 PM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014

You know, FUBAR, you should just initiate the 180 and be done with it. Perhaps you need to contact an attorney to get your ducks in a row and plan your exit.

If a married person can't get intimacy and sex from one's own spouse (especially after an A), then something needs to drastically change. If my WW had rejected me after D-Day, I think I would have been enraged enough to just leave and file for D. R is hard enough, let alone with a WS who doesn't want intimacy.

posts: 399   ·   registered: May. 27th, 2010
id 6909346
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confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 2:46 PM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014

I agree. 180.

She knows how much this means to you. But, more importantly, she knows you are in pain, and she is choosing to ignore it.

I can't imagine not wanting to be with my husband if he were going to be leaving for the next 5 days. Unless I was sick,that time of the month, or I was upset with him.

Im sorry.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:46 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]

BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10



..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


posts: 15220   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 6909369
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Thinkingtoomuch ( member #31765) posted at 3:11 PM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014

Hi, Fubar

I agree with tearingaway and confused. 180 will help you get stronger and not focus on the intimacy so much so it doesn't hurt so intensely on this subject at least. Take a break and give your mind and body a rest from that for now.

I absolutely hate the withholding of love and touch. It's abusive in my eyes and you must protect yourself.

Don't look anywhere else (another person) for it either. It'll only make you feel more confused. When R'd or D'd and the air is cleared for some time, that's the time for finding intimacy elsewhere.

I'd say 180 will help you put your "bitch boots on" and more.

Really sorry it hurts like this. Don't let her make you feel badly about yourself. You've got to put up mental boundaries and get yourself back.

Hope this day is better for you.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 9:21 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]

posts: 882   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2011
id 6909403
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Razor ( member #16345) posted at 3:48 PM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014

FUBAR.

My WW was very afraid of doing *the wrong thing*. She was afraid to show affection because it might trigger me. She was afraid to talk about her affair because I might get upset.

That fear kept her from doing ANYTHING. it sorta paralyzed her.

The thing is that from my POV doing ANYTHING is better than doing NOTHING. Doing something even if it doesnt work shows that you care. it shows that you are trying.

Doing NOTHING is the opposite of that.

Maybe your WW is afraid of doing *the wrong thing* too?

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

posts: 3483   ·   registered: Sep. 25th, 2007
id 6909472
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seethelight ( member #43513) posted at 4:09 PM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014

If a married person can't get intimacy and sex from one's own spouse (especially after an A), then something needs to drastically change. If my WW had rejected me after D-Day, I think I would have been enraged enough to just leave and file for D. R is hard enough, let alone with a WS who doesn't want intimacy.

^^^^^^^^^I agree with the above.

You guys should be having sex. It's very important for you two to re-bond, and without the hormones like oxytocin and others released during sex, you will stay unbonded.

Your wayward bonded with the OM during sex.

If she is not willing to have sex with you, it may indicate that you are right, she only sees you as a sense of security, not a lover.

In emails I found between my wayward and his OW, she mentioned numerous times that she stayed with her husband only because she like the lifestyle he provided. She also never had sex with him, anymore, according to her emails and was trying to insist that my husband no longer have sex with me.

He did stop for a brief time to please her.

But, after dday, he wanted to have sex often with me.

Had he rejected me for sex, after having an affair, it would have been a deal breaker.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this.

An affair destroys the loyal spouses self-esteem, but then refusing to have sex with the loyal spouse, must decimate it even further.

She needs to start showing that she wants, needs, desires intimacy with you.

She can't expect you the wounded spouse to do that?

[This message edited by seethelight at 10:11 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]

“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

posts: 1516   ·   registered: May. 23rd, 2014
id 6909500
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Penelope66 ( new member #43934) posted at 5:29 PM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014

FUBAR, my heart hurts for you, b/c I know what it feels like to feel worthless. I'm still struggling with the incredulous feeling that WH was willing to throw me away (he claims he wasn't...we're working on our marriage, IC; 10 weeks post D-day)

I'm not one to push any religion, but my spirituality has helped strengthen and sustain me. Also, if you're not IC, I'd recommend it for you as a couple and you individually. You. Are. Not. Worthless.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2014
id 6909627
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:30 PM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014

FUBAR,

If you want your M to change, it's up to you to change your behavior, because only you know what changes you want made.

It looks to me like you & your W are doing a lot of indirect communication, and it's not working. Communicating what you want directly and clearly is one change you can make. Talking about sex looks like the A#1 priority. There may be good reasons for your W to avoid sex - have you both been tested for STDs?

In any case, you want sex, and your W isn't participating. The only way to find a resolution to that problem is to work directly with your W to find one.

Laying out a set of requirements is another. That way your W can get a good picture of what you want and make her decision to deliver or split.

The 180 is another possible change, but that pretty much ends your M.

If you keep doing the same things the same way, you'll get the same results, unless your W changes something. But then you're depending on your W to run your life, which is not a winning strategy for a BS....

Are you in IC? If not, IC is a change you can make that may help a whole lot. If you are in IC, it's probably time for you to review your goals and progress with your IC - that may lead to ID'ing changes in your IC process that will help.

(((FUBAR)))

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:34 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31199   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 6909724
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 FUBAR858 (original poster new member #40515) posted at 11:38 PM on Thursday, August 14th, 2014

I'm not in IC mainly cause I'm afraid they'll make me realize that I'm not happy and leave my WW. The sex subject is always a major fight between us. She thinks that's all I think about and ever want. Yes I bring it up a lot but that's because if I didn't I'd never have it. It just sucks that she use to act like she wanted me. This might be TMI but it would happen in random places, bathroom at a friends house, in the car, random groping, role playing and her dressing up for me. Now nothing. She knows what I like but it just died out. Its something that I need because I'd feel like she truly wants me and only me. When we first dated cause she did all of that, I'd never think she was cheating. Now I just don't know. She isn't proving in that way that she's devoted to me and only me. What's that saying, actions speak louder than words. Well I'm waiting for that

posts: 44   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2013
id 6910160
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seethelight ( member #43513) posted at 3:44 PM on Friday, August 15th, 2014

fubar:

Your wife not wanting sex, even though you do, seems a bit odd to me.

Typically it's the betrayed spouse that does not want sex, after an affair.

Are you certain she is no longer in contact with the OM.

Sometimes women in affairs, can't have sex with their spouse because they feel it's disloyal to the OM.

Once you are both cleared for STDs, then sex is an important part of a marriage.

You are not her father.

“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

posts: 1516   ·   registered: May. 23rd, 2014
id 6910876
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