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Imabrokenman (original poster member #43886) posted at 8:18 PM on Friday, August 15th, 2014
My BS thinks it is ironic that I posted recently about lying, since I lied to her for several weeks before the complete truth came out.
My comment in the post was basically telling them NOT to do as I did, that it made my hope of reconciliation disappear, and the road much harder for both me and my spouse. She doesn't see it that way - she believes I shouldn't be giving advice at all.
I look at posting as very therapeutic - relating my mistakes to others helps me try to understand why I did what I did. I'm hoping that she is just in the haze of anger and will realize that I am trying to understand my actions, and be as helpful to others as possible.
Has this happened to anyone else? What is the best way to respond?
Me: WH (49)
Her: BW (48)
DDay 1: June 9, 2014
DDay 2: June 23, 2014
Married: 19 Years
No children
Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.
sorrowfulmate ( member #43441) posted at 8:32 PM on Friday, August 15th, 2014
I hope that we can act as guides and scouts for new waywards.
I screwed up completely by trying to hide the truth.
My hope that one day a wayward will hit this space and read what we say and actually take the freaking advice instead of doing exactly as we have done.
It will make their path easier. However I don't think that mythical newcomer wayward exists.
I think of it as all of us waywards are in a pit screaming at the new person not to jump in, but the invariably do and the next time it happens he/she joins in the screaming for the next one not to jump.
Me-WS 52 Her-BS 51 Questioningall
5 kids DDay 12/13 (lied ONS)
Dday 3/3/14 - multiple EA, PA
TT ended in October when I had polygraph
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BS Roberts
PenitentMan ( member #43174) posted at 8:43 PM on Friday, August 15th, 2014
I agree. It's therapeutic to post. I've posted when things are good and when things are not so good. BW says this is my "safe place" and she is glad I'm even here and sharing.
Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: Since 2001
DrJekyll ( member #43618) posted at 8:52 PM on Friday, August 15th, 2014
I look at it much the same. Therapeutic. It helps me to work through my own thoughts and feelings.
Your BS is telling you that you shouldn't post on lying because you are a liar? I guess that would mean that none of us should encourage others to be faithful, because we were unfaithful. That doesn't make sense. So what is she really trying to say?
I would bet what she is really thinking is. "Imabrokenman, I am so angry about all of your hypocrisy over the years. All of the times we discussed faithfulness you were stepping out. When you complained about money, you were spending on your AP. When you complained about not having time for things, you had plenty of time for your AP."
I would imagine it is something like that.
So keep your chin up. And apologize to her. Validate her feelings. Allow her to express her anger toward you. Take it in. Get to what is behind it.
A wound can be stitched shut, but it decides when it will heal on its own.
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. C.S.Lewis
StartingFreshNow ( member #44224) posted at 8:57 PM on Friday, August 15th, 2014
My guess is she's hurt that you are so "smart" now but when it came to your relationship with her, you couldn't make a good decision if your life depended on it. You chose lying to her but now you're standing up for others when you tell other WS's not to lie. You're helping their families but you didn't help your own. That's hurtful to her. She wants you to stand up for her for once.
That's my guess anyway.
On the flip side I agree with the others when we all say it's therapeutic and as we learn, we are trying to help others learn in something other than the hard way.
ETA: My BH doesn't like me on this site either though.
[This message edited by StartingFreshNow at 2:57 PM, August 15th (Friday)]
Me: WW
2 young kids
DDay - Dec 2013 (EA), TT
DDay 2 - Jul 28, 2014 (PA), TT
DDay 3 - end of Aug/beg of Sep 2014
(All the same A)
SlowUptake ( member #40484) posted at 1:00 AM on Saturday, August 16th, 2014
Has this happened to anyone else? What is the best way to respond?
Try this. " There are things I do to heal the marriage, there are things I do to help you heal and there are things I do to help heal myself, I understand from your perspective it seems hypocritical, but I read and post on SI to help make myself a better/safer person."
Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
courageous ( member #34477) posted at 1:18 AM on Saturday, August 16th, 2014
I hope you don't mind my perspective. I would imagine that it hurts your BS when you tell people not to lie because she wished you hadn't lied. In the early days after d-day so many helpful things a ws does hurts because we wish they had done it back then... Wishing for the past to change and knowing no matter what it won't change.
I believe that a person who has been there and done that are the best to give advice. You don't listen to advice about the perils of drinking from someone who has never had a sip of alcohol... You would listen to the recovering alcoholic trying to prevent you from going down the same hard road they did.
Just a suggestion: hug her (if she lets you) and tell her again how you are sorry for lying to her.
Me: BW (in my 40's) Him: ExWH EA/PA with MOW coworker(also married). He ended up marrying his mistress.
RMarred ( member #44242) posted at 1:21 AM on Saturday, August 16th, 2014
I think of it as all of us waywards are in a pit screaming at the new person not to jump in, but the invariably do and the next time it happens he/she joins in the screaming for the next one not to jump.
That reminds me of "Other People" by Neil Gaiman. A short story, easily searchable for free online and a quick read, and well worth taking the message from.
"Time is fluid here."
[This message edited by RMarred at 7:22 PM, August 15th (Friday)]
Me: WBF
Her: BGF (SparrowSoul)
D-Day: 7/5/14
I was up above it. Now I'm down in it.
Imabrokenman (original poster member #43886) posted at 3:04 AM on Saturday, August 16th, 2014
Thanks, all, for the advise and words of wisdom. All of you have hit the nail on the head with our relationship. She is very hurt right now.
And Courageous, I wish I could hug her. She doesn't want me to touch her at all right now. For someone that craves affection, I am going through cold turkey right now.
Thanks again everyone. I'm taking it all to heart.
Me: WH (49)
Her: BW (48)
DDay 1: June 9, 2014
DDay 2: June 23, 2014
Married: 19 Years
No children
Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.
Neznayou ( member #40654) posted at 10:51 AM on Saturday, August 16th, 2014
That is a big part of the reason that I didn't really become an 'active' member until recently. I felt hesitant about my BH's reactions to my posts, I felt hypocritical, and I felt that I didn't have any authority to speak. Now, I post and question freely. And, through repetition, some lessons and perspectives are finally sinking in.
Him: BH 1969
Me: WW 1973
Wedding: April 9, 1994
Son: 1998 (college freshman)
Son: 2002 (high school freshman)
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
I do not have it all together.
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