SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My life continues to be a soap opera. The minute I think we are on a good path, the minute I am happy with life my BH makes sure I know that I am not loved or wanted.

About two weeks ago (the last time I posted) I came to a new place in my life. A better place. I have come clean, told him everything, and started to make progress on myself. I have been aware of how I talk to him, what I say, his feelings, and really how to be the best person I can be.

Today, he found out that someone whom he works with is trying to take his client. It then came back that he is surrounded by liars and people who are screwing him over aka ME. I know he is upset by why he coworker is doing but when he essentially blames me. I know that I deserve it because I broke his trust and the minute something bad happens it reminds him of all the bad things I have done. He believes that I am a bad person, not that I have just done bad things. I know I am a good person who has done bad things and made bad decisions. I am working everyday on being the best me that I can.

The worst is that last night was such a good night. we had a great talk about us, where we want to be, and what we want to do. I feel like today that must have been a dream.

He goes on to give me an "ultimatum" that if I don't get him clients/contracts we are done. We have a start-up together and I feel like my life is riding on it. He says that is this doesn't work then he cant see how we will..

Being a WS and trying to work on fixing myself while making sure I don't push my BH to the side and be a decent mom and life in General has me emotionally and physically drained, so I feel ya.

But seriously, what does business have to do with your relationship? It isn't all your fault he didn't get that client. Could he be kind of pushing them away because of the stress and not realizing it? My BS will point out to me all the time of all the nice things he was working towards to better our life but put his two weeks after he found out I had been unfaithful. I know I deserve that: he can't trust me when he's OTR.

But try to just explain to him how that is not fair, not does it have anything to do with fixing your relationship. As far as improving myself and doing my best, my BH understands I am trying my best. And believe me, if I slack off at all, he tells me.

I hope this helps and good luck!!

BS here. I don't see a connection between business dealings and a marriage. My WH and I own a business and I would never assume that if it started to fail it meant we as a couple were failing. The two have nothing to do with the other.

That being said, I know how the betrayal and pain can cloud everything you do and think. It is an all consuming pain. With me it was not just my WH that betrayed me, but also one of my closest friends. Someone I trusted and cared about. I find it hard to trust anyone still. So, I think the pain and grief is just too fresh and is clouding his feelings and actions.

Are you both in IC and MC? If you are in MC I would bring it up with the councilor. I would be mindful of how it is approached. It sounds to me like you are owning your behavior and are remorseful. Understand that you have caused the worse pain he will probably ever experience. We BS lash out in anger sometimes. Unjustly sometimes. I think that might just be it. Give him the space he needs to process. Men like that. Then when he is ready to talk speak from your heart. Listen to him mostly of course.

Mistakes are hard to heal from when they are betrayals like this. I have had many bad things happen to me in my life and this is by far the worst pain I have ever tried to heal from.

Did you come clean just 2 weeks ago? If so R clock was reset then. If I misunderstood please carry on...

BS here. Out of interest, has he asked you to put more effort into the business before? Have you done that? Just wondering if he's mentally linking a lack of your effort in the business as part of a pattern of behaviour that happens in your M as well?

He's 2 weeks out from a new dday, his mind is racing and his emotions are running high. Everything is likely to come back to the A because that's all that's on his mind. It took me a full month to get to where I could focus on my work for 5 minutes, no joke. I would set the timer just hoping for 5 minutes of being able to focus. It took 2 months after dday before I could actually do a substantial amount of work. I still struggle, daily, to be able to focus on anything. Things trigger me, but it isn't like I wasn't already thinking of the A at the moment anyway - it just adds a new layer of pain.

Also, from your previous post, you are both madhatters now, and that plays in.

I think a good recommendation for WS, BS, and both is that you focus on healing you. You can't make him feel anything towards you, so focus on you.

The way I see it is the psychologically I can handle about a quart jar of stress at any one time. The problem is that the A stress fill that jar up after dday. AN bit of added stress from kids, work, money, health, ect. Would make the jar overflow. Really there is no connection. But if the jar wasn't already full than it wouldn't have overflowed. Every issue can back to the A cause that's what filled the jar. I'm not saying it's right. But it still just is and probably will be for a while.

That is a lot of pressure on top of everything else. He might be acting out of anger about your A when he says that. I'd ask him if he wants you or not. Does he want to try or not? From there explain you will try to help with clients but can't promise anything.

This one's a tough one for you both.

Are you able to have a talk with him on what is driving his demand that you bring in clients/contracts? Can you ask him what the ways are that that will help him, and also what specific metric and timeline he's expecting?

This is a slight t/j but possibly relevant. In my home, I'm pretty much the only income bringer. I assumed, wrongly, my H would step up and build "our" business, which is really just my business now. Instead, he was spending time betraying me and playing video games all day.

So, I saw a pattern there related to priorities, values, appreciation of what I was doing, etc. I felt very used and dismissed.

I am NOT saying you are like this at all. But sometimes the things get all mixed up and conflated when infidelity comes into the mix.

The talk in mC is a good idea for a setting if you are in MC--it may help you both feel safer.

[This message edited by meleanoro at 11:05 AM, September 5th (Friday)]

I really appreciate all of the feedback and perspectives. Yes, the R clock was reset since I gave him the final details of everything that happened. Coming clean all at once would have been the brave thing to do but when he fist found out I wasn't brave. I feel like I finally grew up and realized that I needed to kick my own ass, make myself better, and then I could start to heal (which would help him heal). Because of the tickle truth he continues to question if I am still holding information in...maybe that's how it pertains to the business side.

He is having trouble separating business and personal. We have had the business for about a year but just changed direction and started working on it together in the last 2 months. He tells me daily that if the business doesn't succeed then he is just going to walk away from me & the business. That frightens me because I am not sure it could operate without him-he knows this and I think its a power play. I am no longer fighting for power or control. I am doing what I can.

He will say that he loves me and wants this to work. So, I feel like he wants to R but if I were to straight ask him he would give different answers depending on what his "mood" is or what he has been doing (aka drinking). Like yesterday he hated me and wanted me to die. Today, I made some great work connections and he loves me again. He told me that when something goes well with the business he sees that as me working for us (something that I wasn't doing before).

In what I consider a moment of clarity for him he told me that no matter what he says he loves me and wants to be with me but that he can't help but try and push me away...the thing is, i'm not going anywhere. He is the love of my life and Im trying to show him so he understands.

He's there. He's still there. That says more than any that may come flowing out depending on how he's feeling. Dday is quite recent so it's going to take some before he feels like the Earth itself isn't disintegrating under his very feet.

The other members have given you good advice as far as to see where he's coming from. After my DDay I was all over the place. I literally felt like I had been broken into a bunch of little pieces, and every time I spoke to my WW, it wasn't with any completeness, but like that was the little piece of me that I could be at that moment. Sometimes it was angry, sometimes self-hatred, sometimes even worse pieces. I couldn't seem to find any of the good ones.

Seek first to understand his pain, and he will heal faster. You were the most trusted person in his life and if he's cynical for a long while, that's just something you will have to deal with and hopefully help him overcome if you want to stay together.

BS here. Something I read on another adultery board (I think) is that this is a marathon, not a sprint. A BS posting on it was 7 or 8 years post last DDay. She still has flashbacks or responds to triggers. They are way more easily dealt with. She indicated that year 2 was the worst. I am just starting year 2. I have read that you can expect a 2 to 5 year period to get to a manageable state. It never goes away. Life is forever altered, marriage (if reconciled) will never be the same but it can work.

The clock reset for your BH with the new info (TT or new DDay). I actually don't know how he is functioning. I only remember bits and pieces of last September. Sleep deprivation, scrambled brain, overwhelmed. One year later and I still do not have the energy or drive or ambition I did before DDay 1. Every waking hour there is something that brings the A to mind. If there isn't a specific trigger it just comes out of no where. Sometimes sleep (still not sleeping well but sleeping better)is interrupted by nightmares. I sit on two board of directors and would sit on neither if my nominations and elections were after DDay. I was asked to run for municipal office last year and turned it down repeatedly for which I thank God. It would just be too much.

So this is a long haul. It only works with 2 committed people. My WW and I are committed most of the time but I think she is not doing enough for us and sometimes I don't think the effort is worth it. BUt we are still together (and working together on our ranch - many of my triggers pertain to ranching activities of some sort). We are still trying. She is in IC (3rd one). I was in IC (tried to commit suicide right after DDay 1 and was suicidal several times. Only way I thought I could make the pain end. Several thousand dollars into therapy. Several hundred dollars into books, etc.

I am going to post some internet addresses here. I hope it works. Shawnthewife has a blog about all of the things she did in the first year after DDay. She didn't start to heal until after the first year. Her advice is to NOT do what she did. Her and her WH are reconciling. The other 2 are from the same website and describe what happens with the ultimate betrayal.

Again, it takes two committed people doing hard work and time, time, time to get through this. It is up to each to decide if it is worth the effort. Your BH is going to go through a long period of recovery whether together or not. IMO, IC will help. I am pro reconciliation but it is not always possible. I don't know if it is for me yet. The betrayal may be too great. My prayers for you and your BH.

http://ayearaftertheaffair.blogspot.ca/

http://www.healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/trauma-of-infidelity.html

http://www.healingafteraffairs-bloomington.info/infidelity/bloomington/looking-for-an-affair.html