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Hi, I just had a thought this morning that I wanted to share with all of us WS's who are very far along in R and are stuggling at times, because I know I do. I am struggle every day because it is hard to face who I was, and what I did to my BH.

I have read on SI many times that a BS will many years in to R "bring up the A" and the WS has a difficult time with it because of all the work the WS has done. Almost to say, why doesn't my BS see that I have changed, the work I have done and how sorry I am.

Well here is just a little something that I learned. A BS has the right to mention/bring up/vent/cry or discuss your A WHENEVER he or she has to. It is our job as their partner in life who with our actions has ripped out their heart, stomped on it, lied to them and then decided to try and better ourselves and love them how they deserve to be loved.

I am one of those FWS's. This post is not a judgment of any sort. My actions did all those things to my BH, and then I asked for a second chance, and by some grace of God, he said yes and he is still SOME HOW standing with me today. So please as a FWS, realize that when our BSs waiver, when they are having an off day, when they are feeling unsafe and insecure it is our job FOREVER to hold their hand and help them through it. Don't they deserve that kindness? Because we sure as hell didn't deserve theirs.

When we asked for a second chance we signed on for this. And if we truly are remorseful, then we have to take that heart we ripped out and stomped on, and hold it in our hands, and nurture it, love it, respect it enough to hopefully get that heart to a point where it can beat and love again on its own. We are our BS's life support. We need to be strong for them when they cannot gather that strength. That is a crucial point of R, for the BS to hopefully feel that we will be there for them and catch them when they fall, NO MATTER WHAT. No one ever said it was going to be easy, no one promised it would be quick. As Dr. Phil says: "It takes until...."

Nice post RSEB, with a lot of salient points. Just like to add that the BS has to play their part as well. Throttle down sarcastic remarks and try to absorb the fact that human beings make serious mistakes and its genuine remorse thats really important.

Kudos to your BS for his mature forgiveness through the intense pain and disillusionment he must have suffered. Walking away from a marriage is a darn sight easier than rebuilding your shattered dreams.

While I agree with the idea I 100% disagree with the tone if that makes sense. If it has been "years" and your BS is still actin like a BS and you a WS. Is making it seem like they have seen no improvement. Is throwing the affair in your face. Is refusing to forgive you. That is on them. Just because you cheated doesn't mean you have to be a doormat for the remainder of your life or let it be held over your head. It shouldn't be penance to stay with your BS or obligation. And so to any WS who are in a place "years out" and you aren't happy with how you are being treated. Stand up for yourself. Cheatig doesn't take that away. And realize it is your BS coping skills that are in question. And perhaps they simply do not have the personality for R.

RSEB, thank you for posting this. As a BS, it is incredibly important to know that I can bring up the A as needed. Knowing this actually makes me bring it up less.

My WH realizes that me bringing up A related topics provides a chance for him to comfort, help, and heal. I know it often brings up negative emotions for him, we discuss this, and he sometimes struggles with angry or defensive responses. He does not, however, feel he is being punished, being a doormat, or having anything held over his head. His intention is to be actively working to heal what he shattered. A resentful attitude from him about discussing the A would certainly make me question his remorse, and have a negative impact on me/us.

I have respect and admiration for his commitment and hard work, and I tell him so. I hope someday he can be proud of the strength and intention he has shown to be there for me and for us, and that it can help build his own healing.

I think there is a huge difference when a BS is years out and acknowledges that there is still pain and asks for some support, and when a BS is still raging and acting just like they did after DD. That is a BS that is refusing to do their part and heal from the affair. It takes two to put a marriage back together. A WS cannot do it on their own, even if they are doing the heavy stuff.

Well said!!!

While I agree with the idea I 100% disagree with the tone if that makes sense. If it has been "years" and your BS is still actin like a BS and you a WS. Is making it seem like they have seen no improvement. Is throwing the affair in your face. Is refusing to forgive you. That is on them. Just because you cheated doesn't mean you have to be a doormat for the remainder of your life or let it be held over your head. It shouldn't be penance to stay with your BS or obligation. And so to any WS who are in a place "years out" and you aren't happy with how you are being treated. Stand up for yourself. Cheatig doesn't take that away. And realize it is your BS coping skills that are in question. And perhaps they simply do not have the personality for R.

I've read the original post several times and don't see the tone you describe at all.

RSEB says "WS's who are very far along in R and are stuggling at times"

RSEB says "BS will many years in to R bring up the A"

RSEB says "A BS has the right to mention/bring up/vent/cry or discuss your A WHENEVER he or she has to."

I don't see where RSEB made any mention of "making it seem like they have seen no improvement".

I don't see where RSEB says "you have to be a doormat for the remainder of your life"

Sometimes what would normally be a normal relationship ouch are a little more than that for a BS. Sometimes we trigger. I'm four years out from our d-day and I have those moments from time to time.

I had one the other night when we watched Parenthood. I love the show, but there's an infidelity piece there that will make me tear up. My wife comforts me. We don't even really talk about it, but we both know why I'm tearing up.

When I tear up for something like that, I'm not saying "you've made no progress". It is just an expression that the hurts are still buried there below the surface and they can pop up from time to time.

Thanks for the post RSEB.

[This message edited by WarpSpeed at 8:40 AM, September 28th (Sunday)]