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We were talking around the table the other night about how introverts ~ at some point be it a family get together, dinner party, conference, etc. feel exhausted by being around extroverts (I do!) and that extroverts actually get energized by being out there with others, mingling, talking, being the life of the party.

My H said that he remembers when a girlfriend would approach him with a problem (not necessarily between them) that he would just want to go to sleep. That he found it exhausting.

I said that seemed more like CA behavior. He was annoyed and said he was not avoiding the sitch....he just felt like he was drained by it...before it even really began.

Again, I said that perhaps he felt this way bc someone was asking him to pay attn. to a problematic issue/drama/dilemma/whatever and since it was not something he saw growing up, when it did come up, it would be uncomfortable....thus the need to want to avoid it and in his case, sleep.

I just don't see this as being an introverted/extroverted thing.

What does CA stand for?

Sorry!

Conflict avoider

Conflict Avoidance?

Yes. Conflict avoidance.

I need to write it out at least once in my post...been here long enough to know that.

I'm not able to comment on anything but my own experience but for me the times I felt utterly overwhelmed by someone else's problems it was because I was already completely overwhelmed with my own. Felt I had nothing left to spare to help someone else (I.e. the past couple years most of the time).

I guess in my younger days I may have felt impatient and disinterested in another's problems if I felt they were just looking for something to complain about and just generally being negative OR were trying to discuss issues with me that were completely uncomfortable to me and inappropriate to discuss with me (i.e. my mom talking about my dad/their marriage/his new wife etc.) Otherwise I am generally an empathetic, sympathetic and caring person who wants to help.

OR were trying to discuss issues with me that were completely uncomfortable to me and inappropriate to discuss with me (i.e. my mom talking about my dad/their marriage/his new wife etc.

Fixyou, I feel for you with this statement bc I have seen my MIL do this often with my H and his sister and their body language is so totally saying, "STOP IT!" but neither one of them say much.

I don't think my H is an introvert....but I do know he is a conflict avoider. But... he has definitely come a long way in the past couple years.

I'm not sure it's either. I think some people just get emotionally exhausted talking about emotional issues. Those people who are "fix it" people and when presented with an issue they can't fix - I'm sure they get so frustrated. And then exhausted.

I kinda chuckled at your post. I married a CA, but when I read your question I could see my Pre-A WH not knowing HOW to care or how to empathize for someone else. It would be a very uncomfortable position for him. Therefore, he may sit there and listen, but I think his brain would either be shut down, wanting to run, or rolling his eyes on such trivial matters.

In my WH's case, he had many FOO issues that prevented him from being truly intimate and compassionate. He kept himself closed off.

So I guess I see it as a mix of things not just CA.

eta: Post A, I think WH would be much more equipped to handle this situation. He may still be uncomfortable and it may not be natural for him, but he's tapped into so many more emotions and sees life differently that he would actually be able to add value to the conversation.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 9:13 AM, November 26th (Wednesday)]

I can't speak to CA tendencies, since although I do tend to try to avoid conflict, my habit is to do so in remarkably unhealthy ways. But as a big introvert, I can say that one-on-one, I never felt drained listening to someone's problems, no matter how complicated. If it was a group of people with problems? Sure, could just be introverted. But not with only one person, no matter how extroverted they were.

I vote not introvert, maybe or maybe not CA.

There is a "flee" response for a CA person when things start to get uncomfortable. For my FWH, he'd react by agreeing to pretty much anything to get out of the situation, never really considering if he actually intended to follow through or sometimes, even remember what he agreed to. He also had a knee jerk reaction to lie as his first response if it would deescalate whatever was happening. Perhaps your husband's "flee" response was to feel drained and tired in order to escape what was happening. Or, I guess it could be some other psychological reaction to which I am not qualified to diagnose on the internets. I do think there is *something* there, though.

I'm a really extreme introvert, but like Lostinmyownhead, I don't find it difficult to listen one-on-one to someone talking about their emotional problems.

What did pop to mind for me, though, was my reaction to writer's block. When I'm facing the blank screen, I can be suddenly overwhelmed with a powerful, powerful fatigue. It's absolutely real, but it's also absolutely psychologically-induced (in that I know full well that if, at that same moment, I were doing anything other than looking at the blank screen, I wouldn't feel the intense need for sleep). I see that more as conflict avoidance (albeit internal conflict, with my own desire to procrastinate, fear of failure, or something along those lines) than as having anything to do with my introversion.