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Lately, I haven't been doing as much work on myself or the M. I think I'm feeling a bit fatigued and a little depressed. Yes, I know it's an emotional roller coaster. Yes, I know recovery & reconciliation is a very long slog through the swamp as much as it is a traverse across the mountain range. Lately, I'm just not as driven as I was to open a self-help book and read, do IC homework, write notes to BW, or seek her out when she retreats to her bedroom. I feel no less committed to saving our M and fixing myself, yet emotionally and physically I feel like a lump.

Last night, I went to bed at 9:30pm and slept for 6 hours straight, which I hardly ever do, and then drifted in an out of sleep until about 6am, unmotivated to get up. (I'm usually a fairly light 11:30pm-5am sleeper.) My growing waistline--a side-effect from a medication--and overall body stiffness made my morning yoga routine difficult to complete. When I tried to talk about it with BW this morning, she snapped at me. I understand her anger--I created this situation and lately I haven't been following the "road map" to healing, which no doubt gives her the impression that I don't care anymore. As I write this, I think I come across as whiny.

I felt BW and I had a good day Sunday as we worked on our yard & gardens. Perhaps more like this would help. BW hasn't wanted to spend much time with me lately, and I think I've stepped back emotionally rather than lean into the discomfort. I believe that has created a cycle of mutual reinforcement that I need to break.

I want to change this pattern, get out of this trough, and reinvigorate myself and my M.

Any suggestions?

TGNM: I too have been less than diligent in my readings (although my BSO has agreed to read "The 5 Love Languages" together; I just bought the book earlier today), my IC has seemed a bit "blah" for the past several weeks, and I haven't posted on here for the past two weeks (maybe longer??). However, BSO & I have been spending actual face-to-face time more days of the week (like 3-4 days/evenings per week), and we're doing real talking: about the A, AP, and my behavior. She, in turn, has been discussing anger, loss, and betrayal. it's been in fits and starts, and never lasts longer than 30 minutes at a given time, but I am hoping we're moving in the right direction. She has clearly said there is no guarantee that we will R, but again, I think she may have a toe in the water, or else she wouldn't agree to keep seeing each other.

All that being said, could both you & BW just be completely exhausted? from everything you share here, you (and she too!) have been working so hard on yourselves and your M. You need to be able to recharge yourself or else you going to be running on fumes, so to speak.

Being able to be distracted (e.g., yard work) can make discussing these things less emotionally intense, and give BW some space for herself.

What meds are you taking, if I can ask? Some are notorious weight-gainers. You might want to speak with your prescriber about (a) another med with less weight gain, or (b) change your diet if you can.

I would also suggest going back to BW (probably in your head already) and revisiting this incident this morning. "Hey, honey, I'm feeling like I'm crawling through this swamp. I want to be reading more, talking with you, sharing stuff, but it's like I'm stuck. Have you noticed this? are you feeling the same way?"

Another tack might be to ask her "I'm worried that you might think I'm slacking off here. I'm not, but what do you see? What do you need from me that I'm not giving you right now?"

Make sense? Let us know how it goes. Hope this helps.

When you don't feel like reading that book, do the IC homework, seek your wife out when she retreats or anything else that you have been doing to save your M think about your wife. Think about what really is at stake. What you are going to loose. Think about how bad Dday was and the days that followed. Just remember all those things and maybe it will give you the boost you need to go forward.

Emotional fatigue IMO hits everyone. Its hard when your efforts and the changes you have made feel like they aren't enough or that they might not all be noticed. But over time it will get better.

Try to talk to her again when you think she might be more receptive. You don't have to apologize for what you are feeling right now but you could apologize for the results that have happened because of the feelings. You know maybe a...... Sorry I haven't been reading or doing the work (whatever) and then explain your feelings. Just remember when you talk to her don't put the "but" word in there. No sorry I haven't been reading "but" I have been feeling a little depressed. Sometimes "but" can make things feel like it is an excuse to not do something and can down play what could be a serious problem.

I hope this helps and things turn for the better soon.

If she is receptive to doing fun outings with you, maybe a fun day at the beach, in the woods or a scenic drive to a small quaint town might be good..A day or two of low key relaxing fun..I think that any kind of long term / strenuous/ intense work goes better if / when there are small but adequate breaks in between..These kinds of breaks could be good for strengthening the connection and good will between you two..

I met with my IC today.

IC told me I have "therapy hangover." Sometimes when you work so hard and so intensely, he said, your whole life seems like therapy. He said I need to find some balance, continue to do the work and make some time for other things. The yard work we did together on Sunday was a good example of a way to connect without expending so much emotional energy. He suggested I set some specific times when I work on myself and the M, set some times aside to decompress, and make some times when we do things together that don't revolve around the A. This is not meant to be rug-sweeping, but rather for finding a healthy balance that keeps us on the road to healing.

As I was talking to IC, I recognized a couple of things about myself.

1. I repeated that "fear of vulnerability" issue that I have done a few times since DDay. If I try something and BW reacts negatively, I choose to give her space. That's all well and good, but then I don't go back to her. I excuse myself by saying I'm giving her the space she needs, but in fact what I'm doing is staying in my emotional shell, fearing a negative reaction (rejection), and avoiding emotional discomfort. It starts a vicious cycle of avoidance, more anger, more avoidance, etc., and solves nothing. Have some courage, TGNM.

2. I have been acting co-dependently. Rather than own my feelings, I externalized them. Whatever BW is feeling, that's where I'm at. If she is upset, that made me upset. Yes, of course she can be angry and upset with me. Does that mean I should be angry and upset too? How do I deal with it? By firing back? By withdrawing? Instead, I should try empathy and understand her feelings, not merely react to them. I should also ask myself how I am feeling independently of how I perceive she is feeling, and what can I do with those feelings of mine.

IC told me to start thinking of things that I do well, and things that BW and I do well together. Yes, there's a truck-load of negative things that I can focus on, and certainly I've done a lot of that. For a change, think of some good things. It will give me something to build on, give me positive energy, help with my esteem issues, and give me hope for the future. Changing my outlook can help change my outcomes. No, that doesn't mean I can polyanna my way out of this landfill. No, I can't minimize what I did by saying, "Sure I had an LTA, but I did a great job on the lawn!" What it means is that I should acknowledge that there is some good inside me, and there was some good in our M, and I should call out those things, owning the good stuff along with all the bad.

Sometimes what looks like slacking might instead be a period of practical application exercises, a chance to recognize real life situations as they occur and use what you've been learning in the books. It's the lab part of the course, so to speak. As long as you don't relax to the point of stagnating or backsliding, of course.

Let's take one example: You state that you aren't as driven to seek her out. Why? Is this a constant or did it happen once or twice? Under what circumstances did it occur? How were you physically feeling at the time? Emotionally? How long did it take recognize what was happening? How long did it take for you to make corrective action?

I'm not trying to add more homework here, but rather to show you the introspective questioning that could help you understand how what you're learning in books can apply to a real situation. I've used this in situations outside the home when I recognized an old feeling and response and come to understand it better in light of the work I've been doing. Just keep yourself pointed in the right direction.

I go through fatigue periods too. And during those times my BW reads it from me. I try and focus on making it through that day and remind myself that tomorrow is a new day. So get through today and look toward tomorrow.

Hang in there.

Wishing peace and understanding in your journey.

Wow, TGNM, I am just going to give you the $ I am giving my IC. SSDP (Same Shit, Different Person)

Your 1 and 2 are me. Avoid, avoid, avoid. Courage. Face the fear. Lean in. I am working on the empathy and how that sounds and feels. I have been stuck lately with the how. I have it in my head, I get it out to my mouth and…the “internal editor” takes over and I get stuck. Fear of vulnerability is the linchpin. Your last paragraph about thinking of the good things, focusing on the positive, making the negative retreat…all very on track. And yet another example of “fake it ‘til you make it”.

Changing my outlook can help change my outcomes.

Both demeter AND my IC said this to me within a day of each other.

And gee…Norman Vincent Peale writes this stuff in 1952 and it’s still valid. Must be SOMETHING to it!

You are on the right track, TGNM. Know that you are heard, we struggle with the same issues and your voicing them is helping more than you.