SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am approximately 2 months and one week past D-Day. My WH is very remorseful and is wanting to R. He has been trying, in his own way, that always isn't good enough, but he has completely stopped contact, deleted some social media apps, doesn't go out, and even has distanced himself from a BF who was a bad influence...... however, I still feel like I need to understand why? Why did he cheat? What changed in his moral character in order for him to do so, or was his moral character always able to cheat? If he knew he didn't want to leave our family, why did he cheat? Just those type of questions. I feel like I need to understand his actions, his line of thinking in order to really see how he is able to make the changes needed to rebuild my trust and our marriage. However, for a lot of these questions, it's always, "I don't know". I have read a few different places, that "IDK" can be a fair answer, and that as a BS we may never understand the "Why" of the A. I feel like this is a cop out... I mean, I feel like as human beings there is always a reason we choose to do something......

I feel like until I get these answers, a true consideration of an R will be difficult.

Thoughts or Suggestions?

first, nothing about infidelity is "fair". second, no,it shows a defensiveness about searching and being honest with ones self. There is always a "reason". To really get a cheater to face it is the ultimate challenge

You deserve to have those questions answered, actually NEED to in order to begin to accept and heal, IMHO.

He needs IC if he can't figure it out on his own. IDK is NOT acceptable or healthy. He needs to understand why in order to look inside himself and begin the hard work of self-analysis and change. Otherwise he won't change, and he'll continue to be unsafe as a partner.

All of those questions are perfectly reasonable and totally normal. If your WH wants you to stay married to him and be willing to R, then it's on him to come up with the answers to those questions. "IDK" is NOT a fair or reasonable answer. If he doesn't know, then it's entirely on him to do the work and the digging into himself in order to be able to give you the answers that you need. Nowhere on earth do you have to continue to R without those questions being answered. You can't force him to give you a real answer, but you can refuse to settle for a life with a person who is unable to give you the answers that you need.

R is really hard even under the best of circumstances. Even with your WH is doing everything possible to make things right and to fix his issues, it's hard as hell. He can't fix his issues is he doesn't know what they are. "IDK" isn't good enough to build a new relationship on. It also isn't good enough for you to be willing to invest your heart, soul, and entire being into the hard work that it's going to take YOU to be able to make R successful.

"IDK" is a complete and total cop out. If you really want to see right through that answer, it's actually saying "I don't know and I don't give a crap about what you need enough to find out and I don't care about my problems enough to want to identify them or fix them and I'm just telling you that I don't know so that you will get off my back and not force me to face how awful I am because I want to keep seeing myself as a good person."

You're absolutely right.

There is absolutely no way in hell I'd still be married today if my FWW hadn't tried her very best to explain to me why she cheated and why she'll never do anything like that again.

Every time I see a thread like this one, in which the BS asks the SI community if this is a good enough answer, I can't help but think of Mr. Hand and Jeff Spicoli in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."

I would add (after seeing the other brilliant responses) that IDK is definitely disrespectful to you, because he likely DOES have some inklings of why he made the choices he did.

He's still in the cheater's mindset. Deflecting, ignoring, rationalizing, minimizing. That has got to STOP.

I feel like I need to understand his actions, his line of thinking in order to really see how he is able to make the changes needed to rebuild my trust and our marriage.

As does he, OneTimeisEnough. He needs to understand his actions and own up to them by openly discussing them with you and answering all of your questions truthfully (over and over and over again if necessary for you). He has to break out of his fantasy bubble, and part of that process is having to take stock of who and what he allowed himself to become. He has to OWN that he is a cheater, someone who brutalized his wife and family, and ultimately himself. He also must WANT TO UNDERSTAND WHY so he too can begin the work of rebuilding himself, his marriage and your trust in him. He has a LOT of hard, hard work ahead of him. MUCH more challenging that the easy out "I don't know". But if he's willing to do the work, he can come out of this a much more aware and "humane" human being.

At two months out he probably does not know and is a "fair" answer to the why question. In order to change that answer he needs to see a therapist or counselor .

My H's IC told him to tell me who, what, where, when, and how often. He owed me the factual answers. The two of them would work on the why. It took a couple months of weekly conversations with the therapists to start peeling away my H's layers. Ultimately they came to the heart of his issues. There was no blame shifting, just reasons, regrets, and ultimately healthier remorse.

Lovedyoumore- I think you might have a good point. Emotions and dealing with emotions has never been easy for him. We are currently in MC. I start IC soon. Our counselor mentioned to me, during our One IC that both people should see an IC as well as MC. I agree, but am worried how my WH will respond to that. He has been all for me going to IC to address my issues, but has never once mentioned it for himself. He does to his 1:1 with our MC tomorrrow. We will see how that goes.

My Dday was in March. In April I started IC. I said IDK to alot of my BS questions. I have lots of issues and some from a child. I can guess at the answer even now but to nail it down I am not sure.

IC is where he should go to find his why. Until he processes that and does some serious introspection, he is a risky partner for you. You can make it a requirement for R. "Trying in his own way" reeks of foggy behaviors.

Psychmom is on point here.

Your WH needs to do some serious digging into himself to figure this out.

I have learned things about my wife, hell, she has learned a ton about herself and her FOO and how a rape in college has affected her. She is still digging and finding out more. She has learned how she has a habit of twisting my words and then beating herself up with her negative interpretations. She has learned just how low her self-esteem was. How she always compared herself to everyone around her and always found herself to be inadequate. She has learned how she started and then continued the rationalization and bullshit justifications required for an affair to happen, etc. etc.

This is the kind of work your husband HAS to do to get to his "whys".

But be prepared, if you have never cheated you will not really understand.

For me, regardless of what else was going on, my wife's morality should have been a strong enough wall. It wasn't. I will never really understand this.

So he needs to shine the light in all the dark places he hasn't before.

I think sometimes BS's get all wrapped in the 'why' and need some heavy duty psychological explanation for what sometimes is literally nothing more than not being able to resist temptation when the opportunity arose.

I also believe a lot of cheaters will chant "I don't know" because they're too afraid to say, "because it was fun and exciting and new and different and added an exciting element to my otherwise rather boring and complacent life."

I've unfortunately known men like this. They were basically content in their lives and marriages but occasionally would seek out the thrill of something 'new' and something 'different.' None of them wanted to lose their marriages. None of them wanted to lose their wives or their families.

They wanted something extra all for themselves because they were selfish enough to think they deserved to have a little more than the average person.

I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes it just comes down to opportunity, the inability to resist temptation, a desire for something different and new, or wanting a little 'extra' in their lives.

I think sometimes they know exactly what the 'why is, they just don't want to admit it because it sounds (and is) incredibly self-serving and selfish as hell.