SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, to not bore you all with too much information, I cheated on my husband with my best friend who was a female. The act occurred in our home and he caught us. It was a one time thing, although now having spoken to him once is just as bad as having an affair. this happened 4 weeks ago…

This seems to be a deal breaker for him. He has moved out and will be living with his sister. He has sought professional help with a psychologist and has had 2 appointments so far. He has come back and said that there is no way he can see us reconciling our relationship and that we are separated and will be divorced. I have suggested we go to counselling together to talk things through he said he would consider it but doesn’t seem like its something that he wants. I have got an appointment with a professional myself in 4 days time and i’m really struggling with him not being here. I miss him, I hurt him, and I caused pain to him that I promised in our wedding vows I would never do. I have apologised, I have asked that he not give up on us so soon, and that even if we can’t reconcile we can talk things through with a professional about hows that best way to establish what to do now?

I feel terrible, and I should i understand that. I just want him home, and i also get that i have no say in that… any advice would be handy. I know there isn’t really a question to answer but your advice or someone to chat with would be really helpful I think.

I'm so sorry for your pain GuiltyNurse13. I wish I had some sort of magic advice for you to help make things better, but as you said, at the end of the day, you simply cannot control his actions or his feelings.

What I would suggest however, if he will listen to you at all, is to point him to resources that will help him. One of the first things my BW did on the night of D-Day is go online and look up what to do. Overwhelmingly, the advice was to "Don't do anything rash. Don't make any big decisions right away. Sit on this a while first and don't do things you'll regret". I understand his desire to say "It's over, we're getting divorced" right away. I hope it is not something he regrets later.

My BW still tells me that she took that advice to heart and is glad she did. Had you asked either of us a year ago if she would ever even consider the thought of staying together after an infidelity, the answer would have been a very firm "no way". But here we are, together and working very, very hard on reconciliation.

Breathe deep. Try to stay calm and give him the room he needs without disappearing altogether. Continue to express your desire to stay together and to prove to him that this will never, ever happen again. Show him that you are working on yourself, getting therapy and help.

But also, and this is important, understand that as much as you miss him, it's important to take care of you first. Even if he came running back in the door today, you would still be a broken person, the person who allowed it to happen. So until you are on better ground, the relationship can't really move forward. And even if you meet someone new, you still need to be a safer person in that relationship as well.

I'm curious, since the affair was with a woman, is that something of importance to you? In other words, do you feel that you need both men and women in your life to feel complete? That's not an unusual thing, but it is something you need to work out for yourself. If you need a woman in your life, either sometimes or all the time, then any relationship that is solely with a man will frustrate and torture you. If this was a "one time thing" and just a way to seek out comfort in what seemed like a relatively "safe" way of exchanging love, then maybe it's less of a barrier.

Keep your head up and keep coming back here. Let us know how it is going.

If you haven't already, read "How to help your spouse heal after your affair", it may help you.

Are you still in contact with your best friend?

It was a one time thing, although now having spoken to him once is just as bad as having an affair. this happened 4 weeks ago…

It was an affair. Sexual relations outside of a marriage is an affair.

Your husband saw it as a betrayal.

Right now you need to figure out what allowed you to make this decision.

Right now you have many thoughts on what made you do it, the real issue here is that you have to come to terms with something inside of you made you believe that having sex outside of your marriage was something acceptable.

You will be tempted to blame your husband, your marriage, stress, alcohol, and other outside influences, but the fact is non of them made you do it. Nothing, No one, was holding a gun to your head making you have sex.

First, I would seek out an individual counselor who is up on the latest research on infidelity and is willing to make you do the hard work. As to meet with ICs to talk about how they treat recovery from infidelity for the the partner who cheated. If they say anything about outside influences being the cause you find a new one. You need to find someone who is going to help you own this decision, and once you own it, you will need someone who will help you through the hard work.

Second, there are too books that you need to get:

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/refcm_sw_r_cp_api_qagUybCZE9ZZT

This one helps you understand what has happened and actions and attitudes you need to look at inside yourself. Its short, so I consider it a basic primer for the wayward to recover. Treat it like a text book. Read to learn not just to have the information. Your husband will need to see solid actions and remorse for him to even consider reconciling with you.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/refcm_sw_r_cp_api_XagUybMQYXFG2

Not just friends is a great book about emotional affairs, and how they lead to physical affairs. It goes into depth about boundaries and how these will help you to become a safe partner by showing you how your actions toward other can be a signal that you are willing to step over the boundaries into emotional infidelity or physical infidelity.

You also understand that healing from infidelity is a 2-5 year process, and this is if you do everything nearly perfectly. I can tell you that you won't. But the problem is that innocent trust of the marital relationship is gone, and it will never come back.

If he asks you about the affair, then you need to be completely honest with him. Do not delete texts or emails that your friend has sent, and if he wants to see it let him read it. You will be tempted to minimize what you have done.

Example if you and this woman had kissed before he caught you together, then tell him it happened. Be specific, and honest no matter how bad it makes you feel. Too many waywards make the choice to lie about the sex using the excuse if they told the BS they will hurt. It will hurt them more if they find out you lied or held back information.

Most importantly, even if this is a deal breaker, embrace this healing and learning, it will make you a safe partner in any future relationships you will have. Living a honest open life is much better than living a life that is tainted with lies and deceit.

Keep posting here, and listen really listen to what people post. We all have been down the road that you are stepping on at this point. While nothing makes this journey worth the destruction, we do know that what we gain afterwards makes us better people. I wish I could have changed my life for the better without destroying my BS life, her trust in me, and the damage I did to the family.

Take the advice that has been given to you and apply it. It is important for you to take responsibility for your actions. It will take time for your husband to heal from what has happened. His trust has been betrayed and boundaries have been broken. You have to work on yourself a safe person.

Does infidelity run in your family? If so then you have to fight against the generational curse. You also have to be honest with yourself if you are attracted to women or if this was a one time thing.

It is important to not make any rash decisions, your husband is hurting, so he is speaking out of a hurt place. Allow him the time he needs to heal and to deal with what has happened. Hopefully if you are sincere you and your husband will be able to reconcile your marriage.

Take the advice that has been given to you and apply it. It is important for you to take responsibility for your actions. It will take time for your husband to heal from what has happened. His trust has been betrayed and boundaries have been broken. You have to work on yourself a safe person.

Does infidelity run in your family? If so then you have to fight against the generational curse. You also have to be honest with yourself if you are attracted to women or if this was a one time thing.

It is important to not make any rash decisions, your husband is hurting, so he is speaking out of a hurt place. Allow him the time he needs to heal and to deal with what has happened. Hopefully if you are sincere you and your husband will be able to reconcile your marriage.