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I've been putting this post off for two weeks now. It has been close to 2 months since DDay, so I've had some time to start sorting things out. And sorry for the long post, I never thought I would write this much.

First, the lead up to DDay:

We have been together for 16 years. Met in college and things were great. Married in 2010. The slow decline started around 2012. The last 2 years were pretty crappy sprinkled with a few very bright moments. We found ourselves in a vicious cycle of lashing out at each other with the sole intent of emotionally hurting the other one (infrequently, so it was hard to see the pattern until after the affair).

November 2015, she lashed out and really wounded me deeply. We found out she was pregnant a few days later. We were very happy, but the hurt stayed with me. New Years Day was met with bad news, she had a miscarriage. About 10 days later, there was an argument and it was my turn to lash out back at her (I know, it's strange how often the ones we love are the ones we choose to hurt). She was still grieving the loss of the pregnancy. It's hard to admit, but it's the facts.

I recognized what I had done fairly quickly. I immediately embarked on a self help mission to work to make myself a better person. I tried to talk to her about it, but she shut me out emotionally. Our communication was just: how is your day, I saw this in the news, etc.

Her emotional affair with the OM started around this time (January), they were good friends at work but no real borders had been crossed. Their workplace is terrible and she started to look to him to commiserate about conditions there. They would hang out together doing menial things. They had great conversations and eventually the topic of my relationship with her came up. She spent time building an EA with the OM.

In February or early March, I was going to bring up the topic of communication and ask if she even wanted to remain together. However, the next day there was a serious family emergency that lasted from that time to September. She took time off, FMLA, to help. I did what I could to help. But the emotional distance between us made my efforts seem futile. I really felt alone in the world. Eventually, I started staying home more to "take care of the house." Things got better in the early days of August, though the family member would stay in the hospital until September (I'd finally have the talk about our relationship in October).

She had been texting OM more and more. Finally, she went back to work in August when the family member had a good prognosis. The OM asked her to help get supplies from the supply closet and he initiated a kiss there. Her first response was why did you do that. But then she kissed him back. They worked off hours and would have sex in the parking lot at work. They occasionally did it at home too. She was deeply emotionally connected to him. I had strong suspicions after a few weeks, but no evidence. I had chosen to trust her integrity and loyalty because she prided herself on it in the past. However, that trust didn't stop the feelings of outright rejection or change the fact the anxiety from those feelings ruined sleep (I'd get 2 hours a night).

She blew off everything. Her CCs, friends, and me. She was reckless, having unprotected sex and trusting the pull out method without birth control. One time I caught her texting something in his native language to him. She said it was a pet name and that other coworkers did the same. I had no other evidence so I took her word for it.

Backing up a bit, she became pregnant in September (it's mine, it sucks to have to take a paternity test). Our sex life was really terrible at this point and our relationship was somehow worse; but all I could think about was her emotions and well being. That was one of my bigger flaws. I'd put her needs above my well being (not anymore, first thing I changed). She wanted to try for a kid, and I still couldn't tell her about how I felt because I needed to keep her emotions and self esteem positive while the family member was still recovering. No matter how much it hurt me.

I finally had the relationship conversation with her in early October. I told her we weren't really in a relationship, that I was just there. She needed to work on things with me. She stayed silent, just an ok as a response. By January, she had not responded. Things did not change. I started planning for divorce. I found a guide on how to file everything. However, I couldn't do anything yet, I needed a promotion to afford to live on my own and a support group. I started to work on it.

Around February, she slowly started to open up to me emotionally. I decided that I would complete all the paperwork but not file yet. I was going to wait a week after she gave birth and ask her if she wanted to divorce or work on our relationship. We started talking more and things started getting better. At this point, she had been having conversations with OM about how the affair was unfair to me and he would lecture her that she needed to be a better wife and do the right thing (wierd, right?). They eventually ended it around the April 20th. He stopped all contact with her. She called him a few times a day and continued to text him at a quick pace, but he ignored her. (Proof verified, checked phone bill and her email)

The week of DDAY was hard.

Sunday- call from her Dr. saying go to hospital, her labs showed great risk to her and the unborn child. Go to ER, everything fine again. Sent home. Family member on my side diagnosed with lymphoma

Monday- Her blood pressure was up, to the ER again. And home again

Tuesday- told she will likely give birth Sunday. Child expected to be in NICU for 3-8 weeks.

Weds- Aced my big test for license for promotion at work.

Thur- Confirmed Sunday inducing labor (6 weeks early) Wife crying hysterically, everyone told us when a child is born, you don't get time back, take as much time off as needed. She was afraid she would get no time at home with our child, that the kid would be in the hospital for 8 weeks. I talked her down. She was Ok.

Friday: 5/5 DDAY

I convinced her to go to watch a movie so we could enjoy time together. After the movie, at home, I had a chance to check her email (we have always had each other's passwords. I had checked once a month because I suspected something). I found a sent email confirming the affair. He had stopped contact and she had sent a last email in hopes he would respond. The email said she understood that the physical relationship had to end but she wanted to keep the emotional aspect. I showed my wife the email. She said it was only kissing. I responded by saying just her name, in a sad, dejected tone.

She told me the truth at that point. I really wanted to hurt her (emotionally). I wanted to ask her questions with no answer, to swear at her, to yell. But i knew that would do me no good in the long run. It took 5 hours and pauses between questions, but i kept a cool head and asked everything I could. Where, when, why, how, how long, etc. She answered every question without lying. I asked for details, frequency, etc. There was no hesitation, no cover... only straight forward answers.

She told me she felt relieved I knew. She was overwhelmed with guilt the entire time. She hated the affair and knew it was wrong. She was torn between 2 people she loved. She said she was willing to die in childbirth. She said the complicated pregnancy was her punishment for the affair. I talked her out of those last 2 thoughts. She wanted our child to grow up in a happy household. I told her it is not her choice anymore.

Child was born 5/9.

It just really sucks. I'm pretty calm emotionally, but I can't yet see the light at the end of the tunnel. The old relationship is gone, the person I love is gone, and thoughts of the affair run through my head nearly daily

I've had my STD test- all clear.

I'm so sorry. I want you to know that I hear you. You've been strong and proactive and you've been through the ringer. You are working out what you want and need which is excellent.

I hope things start to get better for you soon, whatever that may mean. 5/5 was a hard day for me too.....

I'm sorry you are here. We can help.

Is the OM married? If so, his spouse needs to know.

Are your wife and OM still working together?

That needs to stop. The temptation is too great if they are seeing each other daily.

Hang around. Some of the advice may seem harsh.

We're just trying to keep you from the usual mistakes.

Most cases of cheating are textbook. They follow the same script with very little variance.

Hang in there brother.

So he broke it off and ignored her and she kept trying to juice it back up, even after the birth?

She did it in the marital bed with no protection?

Wool, she is still working at the same place. She has 4 more weeks of leave before she goes back. She searches for jobs when it is convenient for her.

OM is not married, works morning and swing shift. WW works noc shift. He didn't talk to her for the last 3 weeks. He tried to make a clean break.

I don't trust he would keep it in the long term though.

Everything was very textbook

Edit for clarity: stopped talking gor 3 weeks before birth.

[This message edited by Damasithymos at 12:20 PM, June 30th (Friday)]

Have you had a paternity test?

She tried contact up until DDay.

Yes in the marital bed.

And yes to the paternity test, I am the father.

She hated the affair but she kept trying to get him to respond to continue it? She wanted the physical but she would accept for the emotional if that's all he would give? And he didn't even want that, still ignored her? Because he told her to do the right thing by you?

I think one of those two people love and respect you, and it ain't her. Maybe you should dump her and befriends with other man. I think your wife pursued him from day one. I don't believe he kissed her first.

I think for your child you should give it a chance but, "well, this sucks!"

Yes Wk, I feel she did persue him. Her story is true, but I can nearly guarantee she dropped ao many hints and signals so she could get him to intiate (thus somewhat protecting her sense of self).

I gave her 6 months to change or I would divorce her. I later added 3-6 months more. These are the reasons why: more time to complete promotion, space to continue to grow and make those changes stick, and improve my finances. However, the biggest reason for the extension is to spend more time with my child. The kid was born several weeks early and significantly under weight. I figured out how to coax my child in feedings to get the weight up to normal in just 6 weeks. I need to make sure my child has a good 1st year developmentally. And I need to be careful to ensure I continue to improve myself as well...

I do have a plan to file for divorce at the 6 month mark. It takes 6 months for a divorce to be finalized in my state. I can always stop it within the time frame should we create a new relationship. I do want the time with my child. I do want to give her a second chance, not for her, but for my child. But, I don't know yet if I will go through with my plan.

Make sure that you file for D. Like you said, you can always stop it at the end if you feel differently. Also, don't forget that she's the one that pursued; the OM didn't. The chances that she'll do it again are fairly high. While your going through your waiting period, remove her name from any accounts and items that are yours. Separate yourself legally from her. This will make the D much easier and even if you don't D, you don't have to worry about it when she cheats again. In regard to your being able to afford to live alone, get a grip on your finances and always ensure that you're able to make it on only your salary. Avoid debt and anything that will cause you to rely on her money. Again, prepare for future cheating activity.

I think you would be wise to expose her A.....with all details.....to both your families and all your friends at this time.

If you D her with a small infant at home, people are going to think YOU are an evil asshole if they do not know just how horridly she behaved.....and your WW will probably encourage that to shift blame off herself.

But if they know the length of the A, the fact she was having unprotected sex with him in parking lots and even your own bed while trying to get pregnant with you, and that she continued the A even while pregnant with your child.....

Well after hearing all that, more than likely people will understand why you need to D and your reputation will be intact.

And remember, if you do not expose and allow that poisonous view of you to remain.....if you do D, that view of you as an evil monster will be presented to your own kid, maybe not openly but in subtle ways for sure.

Make sure everyone knows why you might D your WW.....they will understand after all that.

And if you do eventually choose to R......either that job or OM has to go.....so at that point expose to her work if she is still not making real efforts to find another job.

Since you agreed to have a baby with her despite the problems in your marriage I think you have an obligation to your baby to try to keep the marriage together. This time would also be a good time for your WW to just quit her job without bothering to go back. This will be best for you baby to have her Mother taking care of her, not daycare and you will know that she isn't having contact with the OM at work.

The old relationship is gone, the person I love is gone, and thoughts of the affair run through my head nearly daily. This is true but you are a Dad now so concentrate on being with your baby. Do you really want to see your baby only on the weekends? You can reevaluate your marriage in the future depending on if she is remorseful.

don't ever stay in a bad relationship just for the kids and the person above me is wrong you owe nobody anything its your choice.

Dismayed- thanks for the push. I will at the 6 month mark. As I said, I need to finish getting things in order and ensure I csn help my child through his first year.

Dyokemm- I am very nervous about doing so. She seems willing to change and sincere about change. However, I can't tell chang will stick. What if I expose her and she goes psycho on me?

Love and Hylton- I see both points. After the ups and downs of my relationship, I feel Hylton's perspective wins out. You can't be helpful or supportive in relationships if you are suffering.

I am very nervous about doing so. She seems willing to change and sincere about change. However, I can't tell change will stick. What if I expose her and she goes psycho on me?

If you're comfortable she and the OP aren't in contact with each other it would serve little purpose at this point to expose. Any worries about your being criticized for divorcing her can be diffused by exposing after the divorce. I personally feel that exposure should be thought through, as it can often be perceived as simple revenge.

Her story is true

This was a lie:

She told me she felt relieved I knew. She was overwhelmed with guilt the entire time. She hated the affair and knew it was wrong. She was torn between 2 people she loved

I'm not saying don't give her a chance, don't try to patch together this shattered marriage. And she will lie, you can't help that. But don't lie to yourself. She loved the other man, you were white noise in the background, he was the main man for romantic love for the past few years. She was NOT torn between 2 people she loved, she loved him, but he would not take her on, all he would do is the affair thing. Or else she would have been with him now.

Listen, that's how things go in love. If some little girl you crushed sophomore year in high school had looked you that way, you may have been with her now. If this guy had wanted your wife, she might be with him now. Probably would.

That's not saying you can't have something back, you've had it before, you've got some history together, you've got this traumatic affair breakup alone and together through it, and now you have this precious baby together.

Just take care of yourself. This shit will fuck with you.

She will be OK for about 3-4 more months. Then keep an eye out when this dust settles.

OP,

First, I want to make clear beforehand that you know that I am not criticizing or ridiculing you at all in what follows.....

I'm just trying to get you to see and think logically and clearly on your situation.

So, your WW has the A and you are walking around on egg shells worried about how she might go psycho?

If you do want to eventually consider R, how are you going to be able to hold her to account for meeting your demands for R going forward if your are constantly running them through a filter of fear beforehand?

You are allowing your shock and fear to control the situation, meaning that there is a possibility your WW will end up controlling R, because you will be afraid of how she might react......and I guarantee you, a WS will always try to 'fix' the M by rugsweeping and avoiding accountability if the BS allows it.

Exposure is not revenge.....it is consequences AND it has the great likelihood of killing the A once and for all, as well as helping to protect the BS from marital rewriting and blame for the state of the M.

Anyone who would listen to what your WW did, and then criticize your exposure as revenge was never going to be an ally in potential R anyway IMO.....who cares what they think.

Most, if not all of your friends and family will be disgusted at what she has done......they will help put pressure on your WW to do what is necessary to R the M.

If you hide the A, your WW will be given the opportunity to go to others and paint any demands you place on her for R as you being a controlling, jealous, or even abusive asshole.....read enough threads on infidelity sites and you will see this scenario quite often.

IMO.....exposure is your best friend right now if you want to see if there is even a possibility for R.....

Can your WW face the shame and guilt of the horrid things she has done and do the work to truly fix herself and make herself a safe partner?

Easier for her to wear a mask and play a role if it is a secret between you two.....much harder to pull of if everyone is aware of the disgusting way she has conducted herself this past year.

[This message edited by Dyokemm at 4:47 AM, July 1st (Saturday)]

Affair would be still going if OM didnt dump her. She chased him and her affair. What was she thinking when she brought him to your home!!!

Divorce is best solution for you.She cheated for a long,long time.Didnt want to work on your marriage.All marriage problems could be solved but she refused and continue to have affair.

Sorry for you.