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I have no idea what to do.

This afternoon, AP reached out to me via a phone number I've never seen before. (I blocked his old number on DDay.) It went to voicemail, thankfully, since I never answer unknown numbers.

I let BH know immediately. I let him log in to my voicemail to listen to it.

In the voicemail, AP says I sent him an email, and that the content of it is "not true". He wants to see me, and is going to be across the street from my office on Wednesday morning, waiting for me.

There are a few issues with this. First, I did NOT send him anything. Second, if he's referring to what I think he is, then the content is absolutely true. Third, OMG he's going to be at my office waiting for me?!??

I'm pretty sure the content he's referring to was actually sent to him by his BW. I'm also pretty sure it was originally an email I sent my BH, explaining the last few weeks of the A. (BH and BW talk often.)

As far as the content: In it I talk about how I was planning to end it (true), but I hadn't gotten the nerve to do it yet. I talk about a bunch of events that happened the last month of the A, all of which happened like I said they did.

AP's clearly in denial or bargaining - hoping I'll tell him I didn't mean it. Hoping I'll tell him I care. But I did mean it, and I don't care. The content of that email was the truth. I'm sure AP's ego took a huge hit, but I can't help that.

I have arranged to not be at my office on Wednesday, because I don't know how long he'll wait and I don't want to find out.

Now, BH is saying "When we talk this evening I expect you to explain why he's saying your recollection of events isn't true." I don't know what to say. I have no idea why he'd say that, other than that he doesn't want to believe it.

I don't know what to do. When AP and I both can't be believed, where does that leave us? The one with the most damning version of events "wins"?

Hm - I got nothing on all of the lies exchange and who to believe, etc. Can the four of you get together to sort it all out? That would be lovely - not sure what I'm thinking w that - cause how totally Eff'd up is that??

Others will be along on that topic so hang out a little.

And while even tho I'm not sure about that - I am sure your H should sure as hell be at your work on Wednesday or you shouldn't.

Yuck. I'm dreading that with you.

You need to change your number and email address.

Then you,and your husband, need to have your attorney send him an official NC letter,telling him any further attempts to contact either one if you,will result in legal action.

Of course neither of you can be believed at this point. But the only one that matters to your husband is you.

Schedule a polygraph. Then tell your husband about it.

And,as to why the other man's recollection of events is different than yours? Because he's a lying, unremorseful WS,who is trying to do damage control.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:41 PM, July 31st (Monday)]

You have put yourself in a hard position but I think you understand this. As a BS. Our WS took away the luxury of trust. I agree with you making the effort and initiative to draft a NC letter and offer to take a poly. This will let your BH know you are serious about being truthful and understand his dilemma. It would mean that you would do anything to gain trust back.

Maybe you should change your phone number as well. Also, you could tell your work supervisors or security that you have a stalker or some such thing so they know his presence would be in welcome in case he does shows up.

Also, you could let other BS know he reached out in case that would help.

I wish you the best

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 10:26 PM, July 31st (Monday)]

Just got done talking to BH. He doesn't believe me, but no surprise there. He's sceptical, as he should be, but he isn't adamant I'm lying, either. I told him calmly and repeatedly that I have no idea what is being referred to in the voicemail, and that I can't speak to AP's impressions of the state of the A, only my own.

I pointed out all of the transparent actions I took leading up to the voicemail (not deleting it, calling him, making arrangements to work from home on Wednesday, blocking the number, and not responding), and explained that while I understood that doesn't make me believable, hopefully it would at least make me slightly more believable than AP, who is still lying to his BW all the time.

Unfortunately, BH doesn't believe in polygraphs - we've already discussed it with regards to the disclosure timeline, and he's not interested. I wish he was.

I've also suggested the NC letter and the response I got was that if I initiated any contact with AP whatsoever I would be kicked out same-day. I might need to clarify regarding the attorney part - perhaps that would help him not think I just want to talk to AP.

I offered to delete my email account, but BH seemed to think that was going too far (he has the password, so he can monitor it as he feels necessary). I will suggest changing my phone number and see what he thinks of that. I suspect he'll say I don't have to, but the offer could help.

What he suggested for now was any time I get a voicemail from an unknown number, he wants to listen to it, first. And when I'm home on Wednesday working, he wants my phone. Done and done.

I just wish AP would leave me alone. Every time he reaches out it causes drama, and I worry one of these days he's going to deliberately try to cause trouble by feeding BW lies, knowing they all make their way back to BH.

I also now have a fear of him showing up at my office's parking garage (he used to work there, too). He's done it once already, and now he's talking about showing up again. Ugh. BH and I have decided I should change my parking spot and park on the roof of the garage, which I can see from my desk. That way, I'll at least be sure no one is waiting for me.

Because AP used to work for my company (and left on very bad terms), I know he won't come inside, so at least there's that...

Just a thought for you.

Make a copy of the voicemail. Have your BH send it to his BW and let her know that if he does not stop contacting you that the two of you will take legal action against her WH.

Even if you DO take legal action I'd still have a copy of the VM sent to his BW..By YOUR BH not by you.

His BW NEEDS to know! Let him explain to her why he's still in contact with you and why he's trying to meet you still.

I think the steps you're taking so far are good ones. If your BH is thinking straight at all he will see that too even if his words don't express it.

nothirdchance has given great advice!

Is you BH assertive and aggressive? I chased away all of my W's AP's by contacting them directly and being real unhinged (didn't make direct threats because I don't want to be disbarred, but the messages sent were clear), advising their BS's of what had been going on, etc.

I probably went overboard but that all made a big difference.

This sounds real petty, but is the OM more physically robust than your H, and is that why he doesn't go after him directly? I mean, the OM (a) knows your H exists, (b) knows your A has been exposed, (c) knows you are attempting to R and want OM to stay away, but (d) insists on overtly trying to continue to cuck your husband.

This isn't fair to put on your BH, I'm just curious though, because my "going after" the OM helped scare them away. One of them tried texting my W from a new #, she told him not to contact her, and the end of the exchange was him desperately pleading with her "please don't tell your husband" lol.

You need to take the initiative to block him from contacting you. Change your number,and give it only to your husband,and close family,and friends of your marriage. Your husband may think you don't have to,but you can do it anyway,to show your husband that you want to block AP in as many ways as you can.

Discuss with him, again,about deleting the email address. Again,this shuts down another avenue for AP to make contact. Tell him even if he thinks that's going too far,tell him nowhere is too far,and nothing is too much if it keeps AP from making contact. Then you can be very selective in who you give that address to. Your husband can,and should,have that password as well.

You don't have to contact the AP at all. The attorney will send a letter that he drafts,not you.

While on one hand,it's good that you're discussing with your husband ways to help him feel safe,it's also important that you take the initiative to do some things on your own. Otherwise,it will start to feel as if you're not doing anything, unless your husband tells you what to do.

Agree about the # change. It's too easy to contact someone through other means regardless of whether one number is blocked. My W did that and it meant a lot, because I had to worry less about her handling things the wrong way if (when?) one of the numerous scumbag AP's reached out to try to rekindle something. Simply stated, I did not and do not trust her enough to handle the responsibility of having her old phone #.;

ETA:

At first when it was suggested during MC, I said it didn't matter because she's gonna do what she's gonna do, and there are many other ways to get into contact with someone. But she changed her # anyway and I feel better about it now.

[This message edited by SilverLinings55 at 8:33 AM, August 1st (Tuesday)]

I agree with Hellfire above. I would add that when you take the initiative I would suggest that you approach your BH and say this is what you want to do (whatever that is) but would like his approval before taking the step.

Thank you, everyone.

This is all excellent advice. I'll speak with BH again about the phone number and email address change tomorrow when I see him. I've also considered changing jobs, so AP wouldn't be able to show up out of the blue. My anxiety skyrockets any time I see a car even remotely like his in the garage, now. The only thing stopping me is if BH doesn't want to attempt to R, I'd leave the state, and I can't really do that with a brand new job. (My current one would likely let me work remotely for a little while.)

SilverLining - BH is not an aggressive person. He expresses anger by shutting down and saying cruel things. He has contacted AP directly once, but otherwise everything is through AP's BW. As for why he continues to try to contact me: AP is just a total narcissist - he has no thoughts of anyone but himself. He's unhappy the A is over and about the NC, so he's trying to circumvent it. He wants the ego boost of me sneaking around again, throwing it all away (for him) again. I'm sure he feels rejected, which is new for him. I suspect that he was hoping the exposure of the A would make me leave BH for him, but that was never a possibility.

In any case, it's not BH's responsibility. I got us into this whole mess, I need to own getting us out. It feels like every time AP or his BW contact us, everything takes a huge step backwards. I really wish they'd both just leave us alone...

Yeah, you're right that it isn't his responsibility. I was just curious because my more-than-slightly-unhinged dealings with my W's OM scared the AP's off almost entirely.

As for his contact with the OBS, for the time being they both probably feel that they need that connection to be able to compare notes and piece together as much as possible about what transpired.

I had remained in contact with one of my W's LTAP's BS for months after d-day. I learned a lot that my W was holding back from me through the OBS and we are both very grateful to one another for the shared information. That will fizzle out with time as it will become essentially pointless to continue contact.

It sucks but it is inevitable that whenever they do touch base, or whenever he's otherwise reminded of the A, things will get uncomfortable between you. That should mitigate some and become less frequent over time, but likely will never go away. It comes up far less often for us now, and our d-day was only a few months ago, in February. But it will never NOT be a part of our marriage and history. It is the unfortunate and unavoidable consequence of an A.

MH

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I believe that the steps you have taken are good ones, but to echo the other opinions her eI would change my number and email address - BUT before you cancel any numbers or accounts make certain you back up anything that your BH may want later.

After DDay, at the suggestion of a mutual friend and with my BH's permission I deleted all social media, all emails, and changed my phone number. I only had contacts in my phone that were family, mutual friends, and contacts like doctors and the kids school. All of these were verified and approved by my BH.

Months later, it turned out that there were emails and FB messages that he wanted to see but because I deleted (rather than deactivating) all of my accounts there was nothing I could do to get them back. After 2-4 weeks depending on the service, almost all deleted accounts are gone forever and without a court ordered subpoena, a lawyer, and probably an act of God there is no way you are getting any information from it back again. I wish I had known this then, or thought about it because I would have backed everything up prior to deleting so that my BH could look through everything at his leisure. Now, because there are no records of anything much of what I said I did (and didn't do) is unable to be proven.

This may not be a factor in your case, I just wanted to give a word of warning.

Allmyfault, I did similar. Deleted all pics and texts (there were 100s of thousands, I had them all archived on my phone) for two reasons: I was afraid they would be damaging to R and I was afraid I would use them to reminisce. Now that they're all gone I realize they might have been a good insight and would have offered some legitamacy to my version of what I was thinking and feeling.

AllMyFault and Unbeautiful - I deleted everything on DDay when I blocked AP's accounts (no permission from BH, just pure panic at being discovered). At the time, I was TT'ing and didn't want to be contradicted by my own words.

As a result, there isn't anything on the phone or the phone account that would be of much use for BH.

The only tools for reconstructing/corroborating are my phone location history (Good old Google, tracking my every move) and my Google hangout history with BH where I say I'm staying late, etc...BH has access to both, but I know he wishes he had more.

Something in that email pissed the OMW off, and he's denying it to save face. His meeting with you is for show only, to show his W he's telling the truth.

I think you should contact your lawyer to send a Cease and Desist notification.

I recollect Walloped did that and it appeared to be effective.

The OM seems quite a piece of work....

CSCE:

Deep breath. You did exactly what you were supposed to do. Good job.

As frustrating as it may be, your BS will likely still remain skeptical of everything for a while yet. Have faith (I know... incredibly difficult) that if you take the proper actions, things will work out as they should, not necessarily as you want them to. However, this is likely for the best.

This is also the type of action that will lead to you building on that self love I referenced in your other thread.

One foot in front of the other.

No matter what happens, you will be okay.