SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I made a post a few weeks ago. My wife and I have been married for over 13 years. In July I found out she had sex with at least five different men on Craigslist numerous times (I think she had a total of around 15 meetings for sex total).

So she's "apologized" in a way, but at the same time won't let me talk to any family members and if I get sad about it threatens to leave.

So here are some updates:

1. She said she needs male attention to tell her she looks pretty so she created an Instagram account where she often posts revealing photos. She gave me the login to the account and I can see everything she posts. She has received private messages from numerous men, and claims she only talks about a hobby. However, she got very sexual with one individual. I told her it bothered me, and she said she would stop. But she continues to talk to him, but promises to only talk about the shared hobby. When I got sad that she had rekindled the conversation she said that "I will never stop punishing her for cheating and that she isn't cheating now and I need to learn to trust and forgive her". So essentially she's chatting with numerous men who like her pictures but she says it shouldn't bother me because I can see all the conversations and she lets them know it if friendly chat and nothing related to sex or relationships, and most live far away.

As I mentioned in my original post (sorry... I wish I could find it) I also recently lost my job. However, I just got hired with a new company in another state. I start next month. She says she wants to go with me, but has her heart set on some expensive housing that I'm not sure we can get. Last night I confronted her about that and said we may to move into a smaller apartment, at least until we get settled and she just angrily mumbled so I flat out said "I'm worried if we can't get a good place to stay you'll leave me" and she get super upset again.

To make things worse, she won't let me do a picture and text message recovery on her phone. She said it will "just make me sad to see what she had been talking about with the guys she cheated on." I tried getting the pics and texts from icloud on my PC but I couldn't get it to work.

She states she is sorry for what she did, but still has an attitude that I should essentially beg her to stay with me and that if I get sad she'll leave. We also have four kids and I would hate to move out of state without them. I just don't know what to do.

So she's "apologized"

She didn't step on your toe...she actively engaged in sex with other men.

Remorse? Where is her remorse? Right now she doesn't have any. And in her mind she is justified in continuing her cheating ways.

at the same time won't let me talk to any family members and if I get sad about it threatens to leave

^^^Not remorse. First of all this is NOT your secret to keep. You need support in real life. Call her on her threat. You are going to get sad, you are going to get angry (very normal responses). She doesn't want you to bring it up bc it makes her look like the cheating liar she is.

She said she needs male attention to tell her she looks pretty

Is she 14? This is bullsh*t and you know it. She is continuing to cheat right under you nose. And now that you know about it, she thinks you are okay with it.

See an attorney to know your rights. Fight back. Take some control. She isn't going to change unless she has to.

This is messed up. And doesn't paint a pretty future for you or you kids.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 12:48 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

Oh... and she also says that she didn't love any of the guys she slept with so it's not fair for me to say things like "How could you do this if you loved me" because she did love me the whole time.

she didn't love any of the guys she slept with

Oh, well that's comforting.

WTFE...NO

Doesn't matter. She is lying and manipulating you at every turn.

STOP THE NONSENSE

You know what she is doing is wrong.

How long and how much are you willing to tolerate?

To make things worse, she won't let me do a picture and text message recovery on her phone

No no no. This is not her decision. If she wants to R with you then she needs to give it up. Period.

I would not move with her until she is completely forthcoming with everything. You move into what you can afford period. Does she have a job ???

Mr Chump, she's got you wrapped around her finger.

Move to the other state but without her.

She sounds awful and you are too soft.

Snap out of it.

I don't have any advice for you, but I could relate to this:

"I will never stop punishing her for cheating and that she isn't cheating now and I need to learn to trust and forgive her"

I am guilty of that too. It's been more than 2 years and I am still having trouble with trusting FWW and forgive her completely. So try your best, but do not be hard on yourself.

I'm not sure what you're looking for here...

You seem to be fine with her continued cheating. And that's what she's still doing, cheating. If that's the lifeyou want to live, more power to you.

So she "needed" male attention outside of marriage? If she is serious about R she needs IC to get to the bottom of that , but I regress.

She threatens to leave when you are sad= no empathy. She wont stop talking to the OM even if she knows it bothers you ? Again no empathy toward you . She wont let you talk to family members and pouts then threatens to leave? My friend she isnt the least bit remorseful. All she cares about is doing what she wants to do and wants you to not only accept it , but keep her dirty little secret.

Exactly what are you holding on to? Your wife did terrible things and never took how it would affect her kids or you in consideration. She still doesnt get it. If she was remorseful she would be willing to do whatever it took to try to win your trust back . Instead she threatens to leave everytime you wont accept her shit sandwich and its you who has to learn to "trust" her? No , she set that trust on fire and she should be the one to do the work to repair it. Instead she found out she likes flirting and the attention of other men. She is not a candidate for R. She is trying to manipulate you into rugsweeping which will pretty much guarantee cheating will continue.

Please do you and your kids a favor and stand up for yourself and your kids.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 3:29 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

What is the age range of your 4 kids?

Does your WW work outside the home?

Do you feel that your kids will be safe staying alone with a woman whose judgment said it was ok to hookup with random Craigslist strangers. This was very dangerous for her to do... and she continues her online bantering and attention seeking from internet strangers...

Your WW lacks any empathy for you and doesn't seem at all remorseful. Do you think she lacks a conscience or seems mentally unstable? From a layman's perspective your WW seems like she may have some kind of personality disorder? Would she see a psychiatrist or at least IC?

[This message edited by whattheh at 3:32 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

Tell her that after her affairs you make the rules. Tell her if she has a problem with that she has the two following options:

1. You will leave her with all four children to raise by herself and she won't have a moment to herself to screw around again.

2. You will fight for custody, get it, and she won't get to see her kids and she can start her life over.

Tell her she's fucked either way unless she starts showing some remorse.

This woman is gaslighting you.

The problem is hers.

You did nothing to deserve this painful situation

that you now find yourself in.

Her actions show that she is not willing to change

at this time.

Been there and wish I had seen this support group while it was all happening.

Your priorities are yourself and your children. Hopefully IC is a possibility for you.

I don't know what to say. Why are you posting here? Do you need to share and vent? Or do you need a way out? If the first then it is a sad story. But if the latter then brother you need to listen to the advice given to you. Get rid of the fear that overwhelms you and take action. You are being abused in the most vicious way possible.

Tell anybody you damned well please and if your WW doesn't like it, well... tough. People can't go around expecting to fuck a bunch of Craigslist idiots and then have their spouse still give a damned about what they think or what they want.

I get it, you've got a bunch of kids to think about, so maybe you don't want to get a divorce. But stop letting this unrepentant cheater push you around already. YOU decide where to move. YOU decide what the accommodations are going to be. Start treating her like the hired help. It's not the best example to set for the kids, but neither is a revolving door of "uncles".

Oh... and no sex. Craigslist is nasty, and your WW is obviously not above lying to you. If you do "go there", make sure you understand that condoms do NOT guarantee you won't catch an STD.

I'm sorry, man. You've got a tough situation. But if you're going to "stay for the kids", at least do it on YOUR terms. And if she doesn't like it, too bad.

ETA: Get the cell phones and electronics out of your house too. Your WW will have less time for messing around when she has to take the kids to the library to do their homework. And the library has porn filters. Just sayin'. Why make it easy for her when it's so much cheaper to make it difficult?

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 5:52 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]

She is gaslighting you and wants you to rugsweep. There's probably a lot more you probably don't know, and she has likely lied and minimized much of her story. That's why she doesn't want to run the data recovery. Either just do it without her permission, or wait for her phone to get damaged, lost, or stolen so you cannot run it. As long as she runs the show, she's going to cheat. I believe that she is not remorseful, and probably has taken things underground.

So you're a cuckold? Are you cool with that? Can I ask an honest question? What are you getting out of this marriage? From the outside looking in, it doesn't look like much.

I don't mind the bluntness of everyones' responses and in fact I think I need to hear them. I'll give you some reasons why I haven't left already:

1. Our kids are ages 3-11. She does not work. However, her family is wealthy and I am afraid they would have the money to hire an attorney that would give her custody over me.

2. She is a pathological liar and would most likely tell the kids and everyone else that I cheated rather than her.

3. We are filing a joint bankruptcy, and have a meeting on the 30th. I would have to wait until after that to do any TGIF.

4. She is the only woman I've ever been intimate with. In afraid to be lonely and to date ever again.

I'll think of more later. I know I'm weak and should be taking a stand.

So you love you're dear wife, the only woman you've had in bed, while she is doing over 15 other dudes. Really??

>2. She is a pathological liar and would most likely tell the kids and everyone else that I cheated rather than her.

That is why you need to save copies of everything you can get your hands on about her cheating. This can be used later for leverage.

>4. She is the only woman I've ever been intimate with. In afraid to be lonely and to date ever again.

Your fear of being alone for a while is no reason to commit to a life with a cheater. She has the upper hand right now and is using it against you to try and sweep her affair's (more than she told you I bet) under the rug. You can endure some pain now or endure much more pain later on.

1. Our kids are ages 3-11. She does not work. However, her family is wealthy and I am afraid they would have the money to hire an attorney that would give her custody over me.

If her parents have money and position, yes... blood is thicker than water. That said, they are probably disinclined for all and sundry to find out that theie daughter has been putting it out all over Craigslist. You have a modicum of leverage there.

2. She is a pathological liar and would most likely tell the kids and everyone else that I cheated rather than her.

If you don't already have proof, get it, and keep it in a safe place.

3. We are filing a joint bankruptcy, and have a meeting on the 30th. I would have to wait until after that to do any TGIF.

Your WW will have much less time on her hands for playing the field if she get a JOB. Send her out to work. That needs to be a condition of reconciliation, that she no longer be loafing about. Yeah, daycare is expensive. But she couldn't have been doing that good of a job if she was hooking up as much as she was.

At least if she's working to pay the babysitter, there's someone actually watching the kids. More importantly though, her having a job means less spousal support for you to come up with down the road and a more equitable division of child custody. Make her get a job.

4. She is the only woman I've ever been intimate with. In afraid to be lonely and to date ever again.

She won't be the last. Because frankly, one person can't reconcile a marriage. Eventually, she'll go back to cheating and you'll get fed up enough to file. Work on YOU. Work on feeling good about yourself and being comfortable in your own skin. Work on KNOWING that you're going to be okay no matter how the marriage pans out. You can be a great dad, and maybe even a great partner someday to a more deserving spouse.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 9:30 PM, August 20th (Sunday)]