SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As a husband just recently finding out that the love of my life, the woman of my dreams, the mother of my children, the center of my universe, had sex with a LOVER that she says she did not love and did not have one single thing in common with.

I can tell you that I want to hear, I must hear that the sex was mind blowing, I want her to tell me that it was specfuckingtacular, I want to hear that his penis was so large that they had trouble getting it in, I want to hear that the orgasms were intense and were in multiples, I want to hear that they had sex until exhaustion then rested and did it again and again, Why would I want to hear such horrible things? Wouldn't that torture me? I want her affair to have been spectacular in every way, I hope she still thinks about him years later and gets wet! Why? Why?

Because when I first found out, I put a gun in my mouth and was going to blow my brains out. The only reason that I did not was I thought of the mess it would make and I wondered who would have to clean it up. I have been suicidal, depressed, angry, I am afraid, I am humiliated, I feel like number 5 or 8 certainly not number one, I feel like a failure, I feel unattractive, I feel that my life was a lie, I feel lost and hopeless, I have triggers that incapacitate me, If I forget the affair for a few moments it hits me with a mini panic attack, I am now on Zoloft and it gives me diarrhea, I get to see a counselor an hour away at $150 a pop, and many many more!

I am paying a huge price for her affair. HUGE! So I do not want to be insulted that it was mediocre and not fulfilling. Make up a fantastic story, lie if you have to. Tell me it was over the top. For what it is costing ME, it had better have been spectacular.

I know that affairs happen in fantasyland and not real life with kids, bills, and laundry. Since the affair is like an amusement park, I think of the sex as a ride. Fun, thrilling, exciting, but temporary and not really real life.

I was one expensive fucking ride in my opinion.

I am only 7 weeks from discovery day, I hear it will get worse.

You need to prepare yourself to NOT hear what you are expecting and I really do not understand why you would want to hear it. In my experience the affair sex was minimized. I was told it was awkward and not fulfilling. I do not believe it for a second. I don't believe your going to hear that it was mind blowing unless you push for that answer and then it's a lie and really any BS is sick and tired of being lied to. I think that what you really need to hear is the truth. The whole truth. It's my opinion once you feel like you've gotten the truth then let that sink in. It takes MONTHS to do that. You run every detail over and over again in your head and question any little thing that doesn't seem right. I'm coming up on one year. It does get better, but that takes time. I wish there was something I could say to help you, but I think you will be okay. Do not go looking for more pain though.

1962

My WW f##ked our lives away in 1994...I suppressed it all until 2014...20 years...because WW would not discuss it as a condition of R...make NOT my mistake.

If not properly addressed...it will arise again with vengeance. So I too spend $120 twice a month for IC...ObamaCare won't pay....Wellbutrin and Zoloft daily...

You can only take it a day at a time...try to enjoy the good days...make them for you only...cause it is going to swing back..no sleep...mind movies...visions of their 'wonderful sexual escapades'...

This is just the life now for a BH...probably BW too...

Your WW is going to tell you whatever she thinks you want to hear. If you tell her you want her to tell her how good it was then she will tell you that - but if it seems as though it is back-firing she will tell you it was bad. Anything to get you to stop bringing it up. That is the wayward's most fervent wish - that you will never, ever talk about it again and everything they do is to that end.

#1. Change medications. I was taking Zoloft and ended up in the emergency room due to dehydration.

Jimmy, my WH had sex with OW once. She lived on the opposite coast, and I found out just before they were going to go at it again.

The once was terrible. I know this for a fact based on emails I found between OW and my WH as well as what WH told me. It was slam, bam, thank you mam. I mean barely a few minutes, and he was getting dressed in the bathroom. As a matter of fact, my WH initially lied to me about the time spent with her bc he was *embarrassed* that it was over in a nanosecond. What is even more excruciating is that my WH and the OW had a long distance EA for two years, and she knew every freaking thing about my life, my children, my job, our vacations, illnesses, blah, blah, blah. A third party was in my home for 2+ years listening in and watching.

It really doesn't matter how the sex was. Whether it was good or not, they chose to betray us.

I am 12 years out, and believe me, there's not a day that goes by that I don't think how the hell could he put me/our family/his job in jeopardy. For a quick booty call, bc that's exactly what it was......but it doesn't really matter, bc if the sex was great, the pain would still be the same.

You are going to feel terrible no matter what. Whether it was once or ten times. It all sucks, it's devastating. Those here whose spouse ended up having a ONS out of the blue are hurting the same way we are. It's the betrayal.

I'm so sorry, but in order to get to the other side, you have to move through the pain. One day at a time.

My post is sarcastic. My wife had told me the sex was just sex and not anything kinky. I am a little disappointed because for all of the grief and other related problems associated with the affair it should have been spectacular.

I am so sorry. Please do not allow another person this kind of power over you. Not the OM and not your fWW. You are so much better than that. They are the losers. You were faithful and loving. She is the one with issues not you. Loving someone should never mean losing yourself. Please look in the mirror and tell yourself how wonderful you are. Praying for you

It will get worse, but then it will get better. I wanted to kill myself, too. I took a ton of pills and drank. My fWH found me breathing shAllow and incoherent. It has been the lowest point of this roller coaster, and I'm so glad that my reaction didn't actually kill me.

Ask for what you need to hear. Be mad, be sad, ask why and he prepared to never get an answer good enough to satisfy you. But always know that you will survive this and if your WW is remorseful, she will help you. And come here. This place helps a lot.

I'm on Wellbutrin. No side effects and after a few weeks I could tell it had started to help.

Stay strong. You're not alone!

How about some positive things. Jimmy1965, you seem to be in a downward spiral funk.

First, this happened 20 years ago, a fifth of a century ago, not last summer.

Second, young children have not been affected.

Third, your wife has been seemingly faithful since that time, a good sign.

Fourth, the affair died out without spousal intervention. This says a lot. It may have been just a fling.

Fifth, the affair will not likely end your (apparently good) marriage.

Sixth, your wife told you voluntarily (is this correct?), a much better way to find out than your discovering it.

Seventh, list on a sheet of paper the people whom you know well who have not done stupid things. I'll bet the sheet remains blank.

How about some positive things. Jimmy1965, you seem to be in a downward spiral funk.

First, this happened 20 years ago, a fifth of a century ago, not last summer.

Second, young children have not been affected.

Third, your wife has been seemingly faithful since that time, a good sign.

Fourth, the affair died out without spousal intervention. This says a lot. It may have been just a fling.

Fifth, the affair will not likely end your (apparently good) marriage.

Sixth, your wife told you voluntarily (is this correct?), a much better way to find out than your discovering it.

Seventh, list on a sheet of paper the people whom you know well who have not done stupid things. I'll bet the sheet remains blank.

Rockeater

I love your post. I like the way you think!

Everything that you said is 100% correct.

I need to get over this, my wife and I are both ready! I am trying to beat this dead horse the best that I can so there is no possibility of rugsweeping and it coming back to bother me later.

[This message edited by Jimmy1962 at 6:13 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

My wife had told me the sex was just sex and not anything kinky. I am a little disappointed because for all of the grief and other related problems associated with the affair it should have been spectacular.

I get this. This is me. FWW's A was 9 months long and they probably had sex 11 to 13 times (depends on which one of them you ask - she's gone as low as 5 but now admits that's too low). She claims that she never had an orgasm (who knows) and that while it felt good at the time it was nothing special.

I get you Jimmy. I've wondered a thousand times, "When then did you go back and do it again so many times?" Hard to get my head around. I've often wished the answer was "Because it was mind blowing!" At least that would make sense, but none of it makes sense and it probably never will.

Jimmy,

Let me ask you this. What are you asking us to do here ?

Be specific

2 weeks ago you were swearing up and down that your perfect wife was so wonderful. Then you were wanting advice on how to jam it to the om. Then you were celebrating how good your wife is. Now you are fixated on whether she enjoyed it enough to meet your angry fantasies.

Man, you need professional help right now. We have all been telling you your wife was a cheating person and no different from any other, and the A, though long over was typical. We warned you of what was coming after you got over the shock. Now we are hearing you were ready to eat your gun. Forcraps sake you wheedled this out of her. Now you have to deal with it as a man,

Get some help now. Stop putting your cheater on a pedestal, see her as she is, forget the om and get healthy.

Work on you. Now man. Now.

I don't know if this helps but I do have 4, one hour plus each videos of my WH. One with a prostitute, 2 ONS and one with his 2.5 years mistress, in his office.

The first 3 videos the women fake it. Nothing new. Just sex.

The mistress one... same stuff with a bit more passion?

All four of them the same routine.

We had it better than any of the videos. It was passionate. He always wanting to please me, he is a great lover. In the videos its more about him and being rude to them.

I guess my STBXWH might be a SA?

Yes....you can always be worse (aka me!)

First, this happened 20 years ago, a fifth of a century ago, not last summer. -- WH had an affair for 2.5 years and I had dday on August 4th 2017

Second, young children have not been affected. -- We have an 11 year old son

Third, your wife has been seemingly faithful since that time, a good sign. -- It is a husband, but he still talks to her, bad sign

Fourth, the affair died out without spousal intervention. This says a lot. It may have been just a fling. I doubt its over, he still talks to her

Fifth, the affair will not likely end your (apparently good) marriage. Filing for divorce

Sixth, your wife told you voluntarily (is this correct?), a much better way to find out than your discovering it. I found out by purchases on his computer, then when I threatened legal action he came clean

Seventh, list on a sheet of paper the people whom you know well who have not done stupid things. I'll bet the sheet remains blank. -- OK I will agree with this one

Also she is 20 years younger then me....

Feel better now

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 9:52 PM, September 14th (Thursday)]

My wife had told me the sex was just sex and not anything kinky. I am a little disappointed because for all of the grief and other related problems associated with the affair it should have been spectacular.

I think that the most shocking thing for waywards is when they realize what huge price was paid for so little.

About affair sex. Some in this forum are sure that WS always minimizes quality of the affair sex. My wife never had orgasm with her APs and almost always had with me (I didn't believe her before DDay#2, but now I have recording of her stating this to AP#3). I asked what rating would you give to each one if our average is 7. Answer was AP1 - 0 (lasted 2min, mechanical pumping), AP2 3-4 (because he tried a least a little bit to please her), AP3 - 2 (looong mechanical pumping, have recording of this).

It is often said, that in affairs women pay with sex to get "attention". I cannot wrap my head around it, but I guess that's true to some degree.

[This message edited by DarkHoleHeart at 3:14 AM, September 15th (Friday)]

DarkHoleHeart

I think that the most shocking thing for waywards is when they realize what huge price was paid for so little.

EXACTLY!

LongSadStory1952

2 weeks ago you were swearing up and down that your perfect wife was so wonderful. Then you were wanting advice on how to jam it to the om. Then you were celebrating how good your wife is. Now you are fixated on whether she enjoyed it enough to meet your angry fantasies.

Man, you need professional help right now. We have all been telling you your wife was a cheating person and no different from any other, and the A, though long over was typical. We warned you of what was coming after you got over the shock. Now we are hearing you were ready to eat your gun. Forcraps sake you wheedled this out of her. Now you have to deal with it as a man,

Get some help now. Stop putting your cheater on a pedestal, see her as she is, forget the om and get healthy.

Work on you. Now man. Now.

Yes I am screwed up and I am trying!

I have heard it said:

"the best revenge is a life well lived".

Many of us, myself included, have felt like ending it all. Yes, you are right. So much pain caused!!

Let's not give them the satisfaction.

Let's do whatever it takes to get through this and live life well.

The frequency and variance of your communication suggests that you are not communicating fully with anyone else.

If you want to R then you need to be communicating with your wayward first and foremost. Secondly, you need deep deep IC, which first needs to address your significant codependency issues.