SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know how I ended up on this site

So I'll just be as honest as possible. I cheated on my soulmate,my best friend, he's literally my everything. I know exactly why I did it. I have very low self esteem and the other man made me feel like a super model porn star. This is actually the 2nd betrayal that went on for 13 months And the 1st only was for maybe 6 months with ONE physical sexual encounter with the same other man....but the 2nd encounter led to a 13 month affair that I regret with everything in my being...

Hi there JulieMarie,

Welcome to SI. You are at the start of a very long road but with a lot of effort and a willingness to deal with some very uncomfortable feelings you can survive infidelity.

Most everyone here has been exactly where you are. We chose to betray the people we said we cared about most for the sake of feeling better about ourselves. Our betrayed spouses found out either because we confessed or someone else told them or they discovered evidence on their own. Which one was it for you?

Right now you are most likely in panic mode and are grasping for what to do to fix this. Know that neither your marriage nor you can be healed in a day, a month, or even a year. Infidelity is a life changing event. Your relationship will never be the same but that does not mean that it can't be repaired. It will be up to your guy if he is even willing to try. Infidelity might be a dealbreaker for him. If he is willing to try reconciling with you it will take a phenomenal amount of work from you and you will have to work on fixing yourself while he is going through an emotional hurricane. Still, many people here have navigated the path to healing and can help you along the way.

A good place to start is the post "Things every WS needs to know" by HUFI PUFI. I'll bump it up to the top for you. The Healing Library mostly addresses betrayed spouses but it is a great resource for starting to understand what your guy is going through.

A couple of other questions for you.

Is the affair COMPLETELY over? Are you still in contact with the affair partner in any way?

Does your guy know about your betrayal?

Does your guy know ALL of it? Is there anything else you are hiding?

The thing that most kills chances for reconciliation is continued lying after discovery. During the affair you did a lot of lying. Now is the time to stop that. No minimizing, no spinning, no shading the truth so that you don't come out looking so horrible. The phrases "only for maybe 6 months" and "ONE encounter" are examples of that.

Eventually you will need to understand why you did this. The "why" you stated in your post is very surface. You're going to need to dig down deeper. Once you identify the specific brain wiring that made you think it was okay to get your need to feel attractive met at your betrayed partner's very great expense you're going to have to figure out how to fix that wiring and replace those thought processes with something else that won't put your partner at risk of betrayal the next time you feel crummy about yourself. It's the only way you can ever be a safe partner for him and frankly for yourself.

Stick around, post, and buckle up. It's a rough ride but I can tell you that doing the work is worth it whether your relationship survives or not.

Welcome to the path from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Welcome to SI.

Have you ended the affair? Does your husband know?

Hello all...

I am so sorry it took me so long to respond. I am new at this and was spending a lot of time in the Healing Library. I just checked back to my post today and saw I had responses. Ok so here's the rest of the story.

My husband caught me cheating through some explicit texts from OM on my IPad. I didnt realize my phone was linked up to it. I cheated on him 5 years prior with that same man. That relationship he caught me in as well. I started out with TT the entire time the 1st time. I lied and minimized and even said I didn't sleep with him. ( I've since told him the entire truth, it was only sex the 1 time but only because we couldn't find the time, we were both married. Lots of sexual emails though)I blamed the 1st time on him. It was never,ever his fault though. Not that time, not this time. It took me 5 years later in the happiest time of my marriage where we where OMG SO HAPPY to realize it's me, there is something wrong with me. When he caught me the 2nd time he wanted a reason right away...I didn't even know why....I thought maybe I loved OM. I thought is it possible? Then a few day pass and all I feel for the OM is disgust,contempt and most importantly indifference.

It is completely over, and I know in my heart I could never do this again to my husband. He has been the most loving, most perfect husband I could have ever wanted. I am not trying to pass blame or not take responsibility at all. I know how bad I messed up but I know for me to do what I did, continue to do for that long while completely happy. There has to be something wrong with myself. I have had low self esteem all my life. I don't say that as a cop out it is very real and very embarrassing to say that. Like I said the OM made me feel gorgeous, it was like a drug so addicting to feel good about yourself even for a few minutes. My husband often told me I was beautiful and perfect and all the right things but my mentality was he loves me so he HAS to say that stuff where as this other man made it plain as day it was just sex and has no ties to make me feel beautiful or sexy so if he thinks it, it must be true. The "fog" I was walking around in was all consuming. When it finally lifted after my husband caught me it was like a tornado. All you could see was destruction for miles and miles and then shock at how could I do something like this. I came from a very disfunctional childhood and previous emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship. I should have sought counseling a long time ago. I am in IC now. I want MC too but my husband thinks it's to soon. I found this sight and soaked up all the knowledge I could on how to fix him,me, our marriage. I wrote him a timeline with EVERYTHING in it. I was terrified he was going to hate me but if that's the best chance at saving us then I had to do it. I felt sick writing it, I literally did not eat all day. He has it now and knows every little detail. There is nothing else to find out so there's that. I truly believe in my soul I could never do this again. The pain...I feel like I ripped out my heart, chopped of half my body....it hurts so bad and if it hurts me this bad, just imagine his pain...god it's unbearable. I will try with everything I have to save this marriage. I used to be a good person and I think with time and counseling I could be one again.

JM

I used to be a good person and I think with time and counseling I could be one again.

I think for you being here and telling your story means your not a bad person but rather a lost person who made a horrible mistake! Keep working on yourself through IC and /or MC, there's something underneath the cheating. Find what it is, who you really are and bring her out so that your BS can see the real you..I think you can do this!!

Stay the course!!

Hi again JulieMarie,

It sounds like you've taken some good steps along the path. Total honesty, providing a timeline, you're not blaming the affair on your BS and you're in IC trying to figure out how you got to this point. That's a good start.

It's a long process process as you dig down through layer after layer. There are a lot of uncomfortable truths to uncover and difficult feelings to process. Now is a good time to start getting together a tool kit for dealing with difficult feelings. Keeping a journal can be a big help for just dumping it all out there and looking back at it over time can give you some perspective on your process. A mindfulness practice can help too. There are rewards along the way. As the pieces of the puzzle started to slide into place, as each knot got untangled, I felt a sense of relief. We crave coherence and internal consistency. Affairs and lying destroy that. Through your personal work you can get it back, or build it for the first time if you never had it.

Stay the course.

You should separate for a while. You'll have time to think about your actions and he will have time to file for divorce. You're a repeat offender, extremely likely to go back to OM.

Best to get a clean start for both of you.