SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Looking for support from wayward wives that have children. How did you get through being a good mommy? My IC has said my kids are so young that they really never need to know of my husband and I are reconciled for the most part. My situation was a little different.... I was sexually assaulted by a contractor and he was very dominating and my boundaries were very poor (which I am working on) and I didn’t know how to cope with it so I continued communicating with him for a weeks time do to work being done where I work. It was physical a few times and I am owning up to that fact that this happened! Since I did get consumed by it all. I confessed to my husband quickly after. I feel discusting and violated how another married man could take advantage of a “nice” person.

I just need to get through this for my kids...Do you fake it till you made it? If you are reconciled does your husband and family life ever happy again?

Welcome, thanks for sharing.

I raised five kids with someone who was personality disordered. Under those conditions, parenting could be dicey at best (he was very demanding and jealous of the kids, yes seriously). My parenting time was like my second job. I'd come home from work do dinner, homework, bathes, laundry etc. When I put them all to bed, I sat down and did what I needed to do emotionally. I am a child abuse survivor so its easier for me to compartmentalize then most, but it can be done. I did it and I'm sure you can too :D

Hello Sosad,

We currently have 2 boys at home 12&13yrs old. I am only 2 months past DDay l but I am the queen of compartamentalizing. My youngest is also on the autism spectrum with a learning disability. My kids are actually a distraction from everything that is going on. Taking care of them takes care of me in a way. I find peace in that even though I may be a horrible wife. I am a wonderful mother. That is still something he admires me for. I was also sexually assaulted/abused but by a family member when I was a girl. So I can completely understand where you are coming from. I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with smokenfire it can definitely be done! I am glad y'all are reconciling at least you have that. It's all I wish for everyday...

[This message edited by JulieMarie at 10:42 AM, November 9th (Thursday)]

Thank you both for responding....I am so new to this and the guilt is driving me crazy! Are you still happy around the kids? I appreciate your help advice on keeping the two separate. Are you happy in life? I just want that back and maybe it will come in time, but I don’t know if it’s because I was assulted. Are you both reconciled or working towards that? Was the kids ever told? If so do they get why?

Thanks!

WW 36

Kids 2&4 one on the way

Are you still happy around the kids?

Again, around them, everything else was pushed to the side. I probably did it to an unhealthy degree, but my kids were my life. They gave me purpose and there were five of them so there was always someone in need. I have since built a life that does not revolve around them, or at least it's a much healthier plan. You can do it, think of nothing but them when you are with them. Focus on their happiness.

Are you happy in life?

Divinely. I am fifty and single by choice. I am happier now then I've ever been in life. While my marriage bled into everything else in my life and mucked it up, I was a happier person after working hard on myself. Whore was something I considered myself. When I focused on self respect and my poor coping skills, I was happier, or at least as happy as you can be in a toxic marriage. IT will happen for you too but it takes time and work.

Are you both reconciled or working towards that?

I am single. I left after twenty five years. Mine was an exit affair that utterly failed. It took a long long time to find my voice and stand up for myself. I worked really hard at my marriage actually but he never changed. We did move past the affair. After two years of working really hard and being verbally assaulted and having things thrown at me, I told him if he couldn't forgive we had no business being together. He chilled after that.

Was the kids ever told? If so do they get why?

My kids were aware because of the fights and the snide "boyfriend" comments throughout the entire marriage. We've had frank adult conversations about my affair (all my kids are grown now) and all that, but not the details. We have a very open relationship. Kids should not know. They are kids. They don't understand how relationships work and the last thing they need to hear about is sex. You can talk to them (or your spouse) that mommy and daddy are having issues, but you are both working hard to make things better. That's all they really need to know actually. Answer the questions they ask. They will let you know what they are thinking and the level. The only appropriate answer is the one that matches their degree of maturity. Example, where do babies come from? They aren't asking about sex, they just wonder. So you reply from mommys and daddys period.

Also, rape crisis centers offer free wonderful counseling. Check your local area. They can provide you with the needed support.

I 2nd EVERYTHING smokenfire says. Listen to her,

She is one smart woman! I just want to add be happy around your kids. Love them, play with them try your hardest to seperate the roles of wife and mother. Be an amazing mommy your kids deserve no less. No I'm not in reconciliation as my husband is still on the fence about it so of course I am a big mess of emotions right now. I have my days when I curl into a ball and cry but only after they are 100 percent taken care. Then and only then will I allow myself to fall apart.

I really appreciate your support ladies....not a lot out there for mommies or wives. I just came from MC and my husband is further along in getting past this than I am (most likely pregnancy hormones) and this was so against my morals. I’m very grateful for him. I am still going to IC once a week and MC said only once a week for us is good enough. When I think about it I just need to pinch myself and move on and stop wallowing. Good luck to your both.

Oh I missed that. Your pregnant? Hormones for me were AWFUL. Just do the best you can being mindful to drink water, rest when you can and eat well. It will get better. All the best things just take time.

Yes pregnant, this happened when I was two months pregnant and the d bag knew this before he came at me to make it worse. I’m not due for a few months but this little girl will be a fighter...going through the stress with me! The kind words are so needed right now!

Might want to put at least sparse details on your story on your profile. Rape is rape, don't get me wrong. I appreciate your honesty, but if people wonder why your story sounds "off" (not that you are lying, you know your narrative of the events) they can pop there and look before assuming you are in denial or whatever.

Definitely look into the rape crisis center in your area. If you pressed charges you can go to counseling with whomever you choose by utilizing the victims advocacy program in your county to pay for it. Rape is rape whether you know the person or not.

Hi Smokenfire:

I appreciate the advice, I am taking full blame for getting caught up in the attention he was giving me and did not know how to get out of it. The first day was him out of the blue kissing and groping me. He was my contractor very friendly now that I look back...I was in shock that another married man would even cross that line. I thought it was a one time thing and he wouldn’t do it again but day after day he kept contacting me at work so I did meet him a few times and he said I that he just wanted to kiss and stuff. He was very dominating each day for about a week we met for only 20 mins at max some days because of work being done on property. There was no emotion there....It’s like he kept letting it progress each day until the 5 mins of sex one day in a car. Even when I told him we were ending it a week later he said I’m still going to come back and kiss you. The calls continue until I had to tell him I told my husband a week later. I know I was just a piece of meat for him. I just wish I was more forceful with my words each time I met when I tried to tell him it wasn’t right. Yes maybe I had low self esteem and he was telling me things that I wasn’t getting at the time from my husband and he mind f’ed me. He probably has done this to others and his wife is none the wiser. I don’t think it’s my place to contact her. IJUST WISH HE NEVER CAME INTO MY WORLD. My marriage yes had small issues but not deal breakers and we could have worked on them with out this. I’m learning boundaries almost to much and know the signs of a man overly flirting vs being a nice guy. I am working on that! I read about sociopaths and it’s like once he conquered me he threw me away. God why was I so naive. Anyway that’s my story... now I’m living with the consequences.

You have a ton on your plate right now and you're pregnant :( I would let his wife know especially if he doesn't use condoms. She needs to get STD tested (I'm sure you've already thought of that). Honestly, I would do it anonymously to keep the drama at a minimum for your baby's sake. In my marriage (I'm a mad hatter) I was the dumb wife who everyone knew who my husband was and what he was doing and no one told me. It was embarrassing. She needs to know who's she married to. Maybe not now, and maybe not by you (ie anonymously) but she has that right.

It's good you own your actions. There are folks who have very polarized and strong feelings about victimhood and the definition, so don't get caught up arguing with them. You did make choices and you were not without power.

That's an unsettling experience that I've also had. I think some part of myself didn't believe that was REALLY happening like that and I had some weird compulsion to test the truth. You will figure it all out no worries.

Yes, his wife should know, but my IC said she doesn’t think I need to say anything since it’s a contractor from work that my boss has a relationship with externall! I am pregnant so testing was done on the baby luckily. I’m just thank God my husband is being supportive...Just need to mentally get through this for the little baby.... and kids.