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Ever since I’ve known him , he would come up to me, shake my hand and ask me in third person, “How’s xxx doing?” (meaning me).

I would always respond very causally.

He continued to do this even once this shitstorm that his DD unleashed on me began. I promised myself the next time he asks how I am doing I am going to respond with “How do you think I’m doing?” When I finally did, he literally shrugged his shoulders.

2 weeks ago, I approached my XFIL because I had just witnessed something painful from my XWW at a school event that he was also attending. (I posted about it). I triggered and walked right up to him in the middle of everyone and said, before he could ask how I was doing, “Do you know that your DD turned my life upside down?” He said ‘yes’ and I said “good, it’s about time you acknowledged it.”

A week later, I apologized via text. I told him about my trigger and I was emotional, took it out on him and it wasn’t appropriate. No reply from him, which was totally fine. I didn’t need or expect one.

A few days ago, I received a text from home asking if I wanted to meet for a drink. I have never, not once, ever had a face to face conversation with this man, one on one….never. Now, after this outburst, he wants to talk?? What could he possibly have to say that would be helpful?

I really have no interest in sitting down with this man, however, he is the grandfather of my children and we will continue to cross paths.

I am unsure of how to proceed and am contemplating several responses.

Need help here:

1) Silence

2) I’m not interested

3) Why now?

4) What is this regarding?

5) There is nothing you can say to me that could be of any benefit to my healing

6) Sure, I’ll meet with you but you are not going to like what I have to say.

I truly believe the only reason he wants to talk with me his to satisfy his own ego. This is where the XWW gets it from. Thoughts?

Does he bite? If not I would go see him just to hear what he has to say. He has known your x longer than you have, maybe he wants to fill in some blanks. Or maybe he wants to apologise for being standoffish.

I, personally, would like to see just what he wants to talk about. If he is rude just walk away. If you don't go then how will you ever know what he wants to say? JMO YMMV

It depends on you. If it were me I'd see what he had to say. If it turns bad, he tries to blame you get up and walk away.

I agree that you can walk away if things get bad. I also would like to know what he would want to say. Even though you weren't close to him, perhaps he noticed things in your marriage that you weren't aware of. Perhaps he realizes that you're a good father or that you're a good husband no matter what. But be prepared that he might be angry with you too. I'm sure you're scared about what he will say, but show him that you aren't afraid. Do it. Know that he's her dad and may defend her actions no matter what. Consider the source. And as others here say, take what you want and leave the rest.

I would ask what it is he wants to talk about. I would then decide based on his answer.

Maybe, and this is pure speculation, he may want to finally come clean with you about how his wife did him the same way, and he sucked it up all these years? Like mother like daughter?

Whatever, I would be interested in his overture, Bard. You did the right thing to apologize, and now I feel like he wants to share some of his reasons for something.

That would be a thanks but no thanks from me. I’d reiterate my commitment to nurturing his relationship with your kids but also be firm about your boundaries especially given your recent dip on this damned roller coaster.

No matter what he says it will open old wounds. There isn’t anything I need to hear at this point and the risk of being subjected to some blame shifting or justification which would damage an already fragile relationship just isn’t worth it.

The juice is not worth the squeeze.

Personally, I'd wonder what he wanted and it would start to bother me. I'd send a note saying I'm really busy but might be able to arrange something if he let me know what he wanted to discuss. Then I'd leave it at that.

My guess is that it pertains to the lies your daughter is feeding him about child support.

I'd go. There might be a reason he's always been standoffish and maybe he's going to explain.

It will always bother you if you don't find out. And, as others have said, if the conversation goes in a direction you don't like, you can get up and walk out.

I guess the fact that he suggested having a drink together brings a certain hint of camaraderie and if that's the case, it would be nice to have an ally going forward because you will be in the same room together now and then because of the kids.

Of course, only you can decide but I see it as you having nothing to lose and everything to gain.

It might be worth going. Perhaps there is an ally there for you in some regard. When there are kids having one person on the wayward side who can help temper things is a positive.

I would set ground rules for yourself though. If A happens you respond with B, a practiced response then walk away if need be.

Don't get sucked into the blame game or the excuses that have certainly been given for the wayward behavior.

"I appreciate your intention with X remark FIL are meant well, however we are all responsible for our choices in life. I am not, and have never been responsible for WW's decisions. Have a nice day"

I would agree that I would go. I don't see that you have anything to lose. If he proves to be a jerk, then you leave. I doubt you'll sudden develop a close relationship. You can give him your thoughts on the subject as well. Maybe you'll have a chance to let some things off your chest.

Any updates Bard?

He probably wants to tell you that you are not being “fair” to his daughter, that you need to let things go, and you need to give her lots more money.

Wow that’s a tough one. I don’t know what the “right” thing would be but I’m still in a place where I’d be curious to know what he has to say. I would also bring along a recording device for my own peace of mind. Not for any purpose other than to remember what was said and feel like a security somehow.

And like some said, you can walk away if it gets ugly. I would advise against storming away. Practice a phrase you will say calmly, quietly, but firmly, like “I am uncomfortable with how this conversation is going/gone, so I will leave. Thank you for your time” or some such.

Do what is best for you, whether that is going or not. What will help heal you and move you forward. You are worth that.

Let us know as things go along.. hugs

I'm going to go. I will update when it is over.

Honestly, if my child ever cheats on a spouse of theirs, I would talk to that spouse. I would tell them that I am so sorry, that I know what they are going through, that I tried to raise my child to be better then their father. I would tell them I can't take their pain away, but that I know what happened was wrong. Every Christmas I would send them a small gift just to say "you deserve this and more." I would ask them if my child was paying their child support and if they were taken care of.

My FIL has not communicated with me at all since the affair. And I liked him. My MIL was so mean to me after I found out. Its no wonder their son did this.

Bard,

1) Go with an OPEN MIND and hear the man out.

2) Formulate NO response(s).

3) Have Zero Expectations.

You never know. Maybe he wants to set up a trust for his grandchildren and knows his daughter is not capable of seeing that they get the earmarked $. Stranger things have happened but #3 applies. You'll know when to smile, politely thank him and leave. Be the gentleman.

PS- If my FIL was still alive, or better yet I'd have I known what he did to my wife as a child,

I'd of beat the hell out of him and sent him packing the day he wedged his sorry ass into my marriage. My FIL was a truly disordered P.O.S.

I'm going to go. I will update when it is over.

Ok—- hoping for the best! We’ll watch for the update

He's probably wanting to have you smooth this over with the X.

Be her friend.

Friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy. She's not friend material.

No contact is your best path. You control your life, phone etc. so do it.

Staying tied up or close to this won't get you anything expect prolonged limbo.

Go your own way!!!!!