SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had suspicions about my wife so I looked at her text messages last night. So the only way I can really confront is to admit to that. Is coming right and saying that the best way or should I try to tease an admission out of her? I’m not proud of looking at her messages.

Less than 12 hours into my dday. So confused and hurt.

If you found good evidence of her cheating in the text messages, just go ahead and confront her. Her privacy does not mean much compared to her cheating on your marriage.

More info will help with some of your decisions.

I think it depends on whether you want to R or D. If it is D, make plans to get more information on OM and his W. Also do the things for separation such as contacting a lawyer, getting help from family/friends, securing your assets, finances, bank account etc. If you want to R confront her now and hopefully she would show remorse. Sorry that you are in this situation. But do not get repeatedly victimized by her actions. It will only affect you. She may not be even your friend now. Although it is difficult, act without emotions and consider this as if you tackle a serious situation like a bad illness.

Thanks for your advice. At this point, definitely want to R. If I learn more info or she has her own thoughts on our relationship, I guess D is an option. This is our 2nd marriage each and when we started we said that we would work through it if we found ourselves in this situation. I guess we will find out.

Did u take pictures of the texts with your phone and store them somewhere she can’t get to?

I photographed her phone and emailed it to myself. Still in shock

It’s going to be a hard day to keep a brave face with my 4yr old.

This is our 2nd marriage each and when we started we said that we would work through it if we found ourselves in this situation. I guess we will find out.

I'm sorry you are here, but this statement confuses me. Was this expected from the beginning?

Maybe wait a half a day and get input from the brain trust here on next steps.

Do you know the guy?

I’d sit her down at the kitchen table when you have some alone time and won’t be interrupted (don’t know if u have kids... if so maybe get a sitter and go somewhere you can have such a talk in private) and say “I know about you and xxxxx. We always said we’d work through it with each other if something like this happened, but I can’t do it if I don’t have the truth from you. Please tell me what’s going on between you two. I know it’s escalated to something inappropriate. Please don’t lie to me. Trying to protect my feelings and not telling me everything will only keep us from being able to do anything about it. I’m crushed already. Please give us a chance by not lying to me.”

Then let her talk.

Use the texts only if you have to.

If she admits to it she will have to decide if she wants him or you. There are lots of steps we can give you and you can find here whether you want to R or D. You cannot R with someone who is not truly remorseful for what she has done.

Best to just get it all on the table and then say you need some time to process before deciding what the next steps are.

If she truly wants to be with you she will end it and go completely No Contact NC with him. No more private texts. And she shows you any past and future communications from and to him. Any communication from her are at your approval (eg no contact letter). Urge her not to delete anything if she wants to have a chance with you.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:28 AM, January 6th (Saturday)]

We were both married but at the bitter end of our respective marriages when we started our relationship. So we talked very openly about that and how we didn’t want to repeat that behaviour and that we would be open with our feelings of both joy and dissatisfaction when those feelings inevitably arose.

So, you cheated with her?

Thank you. That’s lots of great advice. Yes...will need to get the kids sorted out for that discussion

If your relationship was built out of infidelity, then there can never really be any trust, can there?

Unless you both are willing to work on finding out what's broken inside of you, there will never be any trust.

I had suspicions about my wife so I looked at her text messages last night. So the only way I can really confront is to admit to that. Is coming right and saying that the best way or should I try to tease an admission out of her? I’m not proud of looking at her messages.

Less than 12 hours into my dday. So confused and hurt.

She's cheating and you're affraid she'll be mad for looking through her phone?

You're in for a long tough road if you can't rid yourself of your fear and get strong here.

There no such thing as privacy to cheat in a marriage bud.

Better wake up

Never reveal your source(s). Never. Tell her you know what you know and it doesn't matter how you know.

First off, DMR, so sorry that you have reason to join us. Sorry for you pain and confusion, but this is a great place to get help. This betrayal is fresh and new and you must be off balance at this point. Can you give us any more info that would help us understand what is going on? Is this an emotional affair, or has it gone physical? How long has this been going on? Do you know the other person? Who is he/she? I would take at least 24 hrs to let your brain process this and get more info. You really cannot trust anything she tells you right off, it's better to have your own info. Cheaters lie. We've been thru it all and we're here to help

Is this an emotional affair, or has it gone physical? How long has this been going on? Do you know the other person? Who is he/she?

I don't know if it's physical or not. I have no proof of any physicality and they are in different cities and they haven't known each other that long. So it's possible but I don't know for sure. The other person is a professional colleague. They don't work at the same place but know each other through the industry and have worked remotely on projects together but have met in person on a couple of occasions.

@Wool94...We were well aware of the circumstances that were the seeds of our relationship. We had each gone through counselling with our respective spouses and after months of feeling attraction but commitment to seeing our relationships to whatever conclusion, we ended our respective first marriages (at different times) and reflected A LOT on that very topic over the early months of our relationship. We knew who we were and had committed to being aware of that history. Obviously the awareness hasn't helped. And I'm feeling exactly what you said. Cheaters cheat. (I haven't.)

It's been about 12 hours since my discovery. Not sure if I can wait another night to bring it up so a conversation tonight would be 24 hours.

Just tell her you "know about so and so". Period. Don't elaborate. Tell her she's got one chance to tell the full and complete truth. Her not knowing what you know helps you. Don't reveal what you know nor your sources nor this site.

What was the nature of the texts?

William speaks the truth

1. Demand immediate access to all devices

2. Obviously immediate No contact. Literally. She’s not allowed to say goodbye. No contact even in a professional setting

3. Find out if her boyfriend is married. DO NOT ASK HER THIS SHE WILL LIE ANYWAYS. Exposure is your greatest tool. The next few hours before exposure should be spent getting her details. DO NOT HESISTATE CONTACTING OBS ASAP. Ask literally any betrayed here that this is THE method at ending the affair.

4. Demand she find counseling

I truly am sorry you are here. It should be no big deal in a marriage to check each others messages.

Whenever you do confront, do not reveal your sources.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 10:21 AM, January 6th (Saturday)]