SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know this has been a hot topic for a while so I thought I would give my point of view as a WW.

After Dday and for a long time after my H’s sexual needs where in high demand. Not demanding it but just wanting it a lot. It was very easy for me at the begaining to give him sex but after a while when his angry was kicking in telling me that he could not get the mental picture out of his mind of me being with another man. Understandable yes. Also a year or so after dday I got the text messages of being weekend pussy. So after a while I question why it was so easy for my H to have sex with me, (for a long time we were having sex 4 to 5 times a week) when he called me this or tell me his struggling with those thought. Was this just sex to him just because or did he really need this from me to reconnect with me?

I had to ask him once day about this because I could not understand this at all. It was like his thoughts and actions were on the opposite of the scale with this. The thoughts in his mind where understandable but the words of weekend Pussy or telling me he didn’t want to be married to a whore anymore where getting in the way of giving him sex all the time. So I had to ask him.

He explain to me he says those things because he hurt and he wanted me to feel his pain. That deep down he didn’t mean it. I understand where those comments come into play. The pain I cause to my H was real. It really hurting him and he didn’t know how to handle it. He said it’s not just sex to him he could not just have sex with me if he truly didn’t love me or was not feeling it. He needed that connection with me and it was very important to him. This was his NEEDS! I took this away from him and gave this to another man. He needed this back.

I won’t say I held back a lot every once in a while I did just because the words were too strong from him sometimes that I could not handle having sex with him calling me a whore. But I knew that I had to overcome the words because it was the pain talking. The pain I caused him. This was from me.

I knew it was real to him when we did. I did feel like he was really making love to me and it was not just sex. I did felt that he needed this from me to reconnect with me. He never pushed me. He did sometimes leave home mad if I was not in the mood that morning and text me later saying how important is was to him that we connect sexual. That he was hurting and in pain. I do read on here and see that a lot of BS know a lot of details from the A. My H never really asked for the details. He knows in general things but not a lot details. Where I found odd sometimes. Maybe he don’t need to the details Maybe he thinks his better off not knowing. Maybe if he knew he could not truly overcome the details and it was best to leave them unspoken. Maybe he wants to leave that out to create better memories with me. I don’t know....

This is my point of view from the WW side. I did have to learn that even though this didn’t make sense to me at all that NONE of this made any sense to him either. I needed to know that I took something away from my H that I only should have gave to him and him only. He needed this back. This was his way to reconnect with me. For so long I only thought about myself and me only NOW it’s his turn. His needs are more important how I feel. If sex was something he needed to feel that love for m again then it was up to me to make sure he felt that connection when I took that away from him. It’s not easy but it was something I really needed to overcome for my H.

Thanks for listening.

In all the threads that I read from WW's over a

long time there have been a few that expressed

concern that their BH did not want to talk much

about the affair or ask many questions.

This had the WW's worried. It is just that the

level of detail is to be determined by the BS.

I am sure you have heard that once somethings has

been heard the BS cannot un-hear it.

So let Your BH control how much he wants to learn

about the affair. Just calmly tell BH that if

he ever has any questions to ask about the affair

he can ask them any time that he wants from this

day forward and you will answer them honestly.

Just be gentle when telling the truth and do not

volunteer to give an answer beyond the area of

the question.

Example:

Did you have sex with the OM?

Yes.

Notice BH did not ask how many times you had sex

with the OM, what kinds of sex, how good was the

sex with the OM.

There were two WW's that posted that after they

confessed the affair to their BH all their BH's

want to know is the affair over (a yes) are you

going to leave me (a no) these BH's did not want

to take about the affair.

Also there have been times when finding out their

WW had an affair the BH's mind is so rattled

that they can go up to 6 months post D day before

their brain becomes settled enough to start their

own version of the Spanish Inquisition.

I was raised in a family that was revolving around women being the helpmeet and partner for sexual release as often as the husband needs it wich is basically constantly. And do not you dare to complain or have issues with it. I used to feel guilty when I was sick, or did not eagerly jump on BS when he initiated. He never expected this, but I expected it from myself being raised this way. It was a slippery slope I was unknowingly pushed on and I lacked the inner balance. When I learned that I was at the slope I panicked. It caused - among other aspects of FOO, wounds wich I never adressed in a healthy and constructive manner.

[This message edited by GlowingLife at 12:12 PM, February 18th (Sunday)]

As a BH I can tell you that in 30 years of M I never called my wife a bad name.

Since DDay 15 months ago, I have probably called her that 1000 times. I know you will never understand what it is like to feel the way your H feels. But I wanted to let you know that his words, although very hurtful to you, are completely normal words to say when you have been abused by the person you loved more than anyone on the planet.

***TMI alert***

My WW and I had Olympic HB. Pretty much hours each day for months. For me, I believe it was reclaiming and reconnecting.

But the main reason I did it was to feel better. The chemicals released made me feel better. It's the only thing that made me feel better for the first 6 -9 months after DDay.

My W claimed she wanted me as much as I wanted her. It was crazy. Like when we first met. She rarely rejected me during the first 6 months. Really only reason was that she was so sore because we had already gone for hours that day.

Let me tell you, even though I had plenty that day, when she rejected me it felt like a dagger in my heart.

Even though I knew my thoughts and feelings were irrational, it still hurt.

I'm glad you working to help your H heal and to understand what he is going through. It is the only way to succeed in R.

I got side tracked as I started typing my last post.

Sex is very important for healing. Many IC's and

MC's advise to fake it till you make it to get

the estranged spouses to reconnect. This is why

they use the tactic to have the WS and the BS

schedule sex, date, time, to prevent the I not

feeling it today and then no sex happens.

It does not take a genius to see why after an

affair many couples go through hysterical bonding.

Physical bonding is the glue that is needed to

reconnect.

As you have seen the anger causes the BH to name

call, which he needs to eventually control, and

his need to have sex/HB is just as strong.

Even though those two things are opposites the

BH needs them both. To where the sex helps him

heal and lose the anger to name call.

Even if a WW told the OM no to sex during the

affair in the BH's mind she never did refuse the

OM sex. So the last thing a BH wants to here his

WW tell him after D day is no to having sex with

her husband.

godheals, no man or woman should feel bad for not

having sex because they are sick.

Goldtruck: Well, if you hear exactly that, coupled with seeing your mother adhering to this as well it sticks. When I find the courage to write my story here I will do so.

We had sex 10 times a week in the early months. I wanted it as much as he did. Then the anger hit and over the course of the next couple of years I grew to hate sex and wished I never had to have it ever again. I kept having sex I didn’t want and the consequences of that were devastating. I developed a sexual aversion to my husband. This was when he got into IC. It’s been a year and and I’m slowly regaining my attraction for him back. It’s taken a lot of work on both our parts.

So my message to WW’s is to be careful. Having sex with someone calling you a whore or other derogatory names is very damaging if allowed to continue past the crisis phase.