SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve messed things up with my wife, I have carried on like an immature boy for several years and lied about the way I talked and acted so I didn’t have to be responsible for it. I have come a long way since then but by no means perfect or even close to it. Now she is at the point where she says everything in our house reminds her of me being hurtful to her. When she looks at our pictures or reminisces about times with our kids everything has this cloud over it and she sees no way to see past it. I want to help but I keep screwing up in the stupidest of ways with little lies that come out because I don’t want to be responsible for being a jerk any more, (ie. “No, I didn’t fall asleep, I was thinking about us”). I am trying to be very mindful but I do screw up sometimes which sends us back to square one and right now she just can’t believe anything I say. Now I’m not sure what to say, I want to help but I’ve lied so much I’m not at all trustworthy in her eyes. I should be the one helping her most but I have no credibility right now.

Building trust is so difficult once you destroy it ..I lied for a long time because of my own shame and cowardlyness... Just make sure you are being completely honest at this point and keep reassuring her...I am the last person to be giving advice but stay strong for her... continue to work on things that make you a better person/husband.

@T2BB

What in general terms happened, and what do you need to restore trust from as a baseline?

In my case through mental illness or sociopathology, I guaranteed that trust was not to be given lightly. In this regard every action is monitored, every device locked down.

How are you restoring trust and honesty with the BS? To build the target model around trust will take a long time and involve a lot of effort and complete transparency.

People lie. People here can argue about this all day long but everyone lies. My husband who didn’t cheat lies. “No I’m not asleep.” Yes you are. “I was just trying to help you”. Um no you weren’t. Lol. My husbands common lie is “yes I’m still listening”. Then what did I just say? Blank stare.

That said I’m assuming your d-day was recent you won’t have any credibility for years if ever even if you tell the whole and nothing but the truth. Learn to be okay with square one. It takes time to build trust just don’t stop trying to be a better husband.

If there is a step you haven't taken previously to engender trust, now is the time to take it. Actions speak louder than words especially when the trust is frayed.

If you haven't taken the IC plunge, now is the time. If you have but haven't gone to MC, offer it up.

Ask her what she needs. Time? Space? Transparency? Recognize that all of those little lies have built up to create that overall feeling of distrust she carries with her.

To undo that, you need to muster up as much honesty as you can on the regular. Offer to talk about the A; if she doesn't want to, tell her that it's on the table (and when you make this offer, understand internally that you are to hold nothing back as it would only make things worse).

The worst has already happened. If you have any shot at R, you need to be capable of being truthful with your BS.

Speaking from experience, a lie will lead to another lie to cover the first (of many?). It hurts and destroys the BS more each time, and yes, credibility is gone.

Speak from your heart and make sure it's real. You don't be believed, but you know that. Speak the truth and keep on.

Speaking from experience, a lie will lead to another lie to cover the first (of many?). It hurts and destroys the BS more each time, and yes, credibility is gone.

Speak from your heart and make sure it's real. You don't be believed, but you know that. Speak the truth and keep on.

Speaking from experience, a lie will lead to another lie to cover the first (of many?). It hurts and destroys the BS more each time, and yes, credibility is gone.

Speak from your heart and make sure it's real. You don't be believed, but you know that. Speak the truth and keep on.

Sorry you've done something to find yourself here. This site is a great site and the help you'll receive on here is priceless (If You Use It). Please don't make the same "I know better and can do this on my own" choices I and some of the others have made. Listen to what's said, read in the Library, find a good IC. With ICs it's not one size fits all. You might need to shop around until you find one that work. You'll know when you have the right one. Let go of the idea of staying in control and controlling the outcome. This will do nothing but cause more pain and it's being selfish and putting yourself first. Heal yourself, help your BS heal, understand that every step forward is make by her on her own time. Make sure she knows that your intent is. Complete openness about everything. This is going to be hard for both of you. Good luck and don't give up.

I would disregard the "people lie" advice for starters. Even if true, you need to get to "other people lie". At a minimum you need to get to no more lying to your spouse about anything. Even the littlest lie undoes everything good that you might have done. You're right back to ground zero and she is triggering badly.

Also, you're not lying to protect/help her. That thought process needs to change. You are lying to protect/help yourself.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I know rationally that my wife can't trust me and it kills me to hear those words from her but I get why. Fake, you are right I am guilty of playing the "I know better" game and I can see it's that kind of thinking that landed me here and now that I'm a little more mature I can see I definitely didn't.

I am talking to my wife but right now she doesn't want to listen to me at all. I'm not sure where persistence turns to ignoring her request to leave her alone. I hate where I have put my wife, she should have never had to be in this position. I wish I had never hurt her like this.