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I was having affair with married man with kids. I myself am married with kids. Neither one of us was looking to exit our marriages, selfishly we were trying to filll sexual and intimate voids. We were both tested for std prior to sexual relations. I was negative across the board. My AP told me he was negative as well. 12 months into the affair, i was having pain. Doc confirmed that i now had herpes 2 and hpv!!! I confronted my AP and he knowingly lied to me about his std status.

By this time, both of us were emotionally and physically attached. We spent so much time together. I thought we were in love and true soulmates. After the std discovery, we talked about being together and if we felt that would happen. But neither one of us wanted to leave our families.

Oddly, we continued our affair. But I felt betrayed by my AP. He misled me and due to the hpv diagnosis was most likely with other partners besides me. The trust was gone but i still thought i loved him. I abstained from sex with my husband as i was in absolute fear that i would transmit herpes to him.

After several months of this, i finally decided to tell my husband. I also took it upon myself to call his wife. I wanted her to know. When i got her on the phone, i froze and badically told her nothing. It was clear that i was calling as the other woman but i couldnt bring myself to tell her how long, that we had sex, tgat he have me an std and hpv, or to warn her, that we exchanged i love yous, how often we met. Nothing.

Meanwhile, i told my husband as i could no longer deal with the lies and disceit. Or fear of knowingly giving him herpes.

Advice:

1) I have a massive lawsuit i could file against this AP. I have all of our photos, text messages, and receipts saved. I have all the dialog about how he said his test was negative and then 12 minths later admitting to having lied to me. That he was positive for herpes. Should i sue him???

2) my husband knows everything. He is back with his wife because he lied to her about the existance of our affair and having given me herpes and hpv. Should i tell his wife? Shoukd i warn her about his stds and the hpv? Dont get me wrong- my motives are not entirely altruistic. I am pissed that he lied to me, i now have two very serious stds, and a broken marriage. Meanwhile - his life remains unaffected.

3). Any advice on how to recover from my feelings toward my now ex AP. Im angry that i still have feelings for him. But not a day goes by that i dont think about him. Regret having tried to tell his wife / my husband, etc. I have had no contact for over 3 months. Its hard to focus on rebuilding my marriage when i am consumed with thinking about my A, his wife, wondering if he cheated on me too, wondering if she already knows his herpes status, and if hes back to being happy.

4) How to forgive myself. First for having gotten into this mess. Second- for having injected myself by trying to call his wife. I try to remind myself that he was the one who lied and hurt me and gave me two stds. I could have told his wife so much more. But i feel my actions were immature. Impulsive.

Ill take any advice on any aspects of my story. Its been 3 months and i still feel like crap. I hurt my kids, my husband, my family, my AP, and destroyed my health and any chance of future relationships shoukd my husband and i not pull through.

I want to sue him for this!!! And yes, i have about 8 attorneys bidding for my case. Please any advice???

Yikes. This is a doozie. First, sorry your here.

Now onto business...

I have to say through your story I am interpreting your H to still be an afterthought. You don’t mention him much. How did he react? It’s been 3 months... how is he coping? I understand your upset and I would be too but I think your priority should be to fix what was broken inside you to have an affair first and foremost and try to come to gether with your H.

What does H think about suing? About you contacting AP and AP’s wife? If she doesn’t know about the STDs, she should know before she’s stuck with them too. But you and H should come together in this one.

So,!

1) personally, I don’t think you should or could sue him? Can you sue for this? What law was broken? I don’t mean to sound harsh here cause I’m all waywardy too but... it’s been 3 months... have you not come out of the fog enough to see that what you thought you had was pure bullshit? He lied to his wife about you and lied to you about his diseases. I know that hurts to realize that it was all just lies but that’s what it was. And you lied to your husband about being with AP. A sin is a sin is a sin. You’re both liars. You thought you were being honest with him and now you’re upset and furious bc you found out he was lying all along... essentially the same exact thing you did to your H. Yes, you got a not so wanted souviner in your traveling but both are manageable. Stop worrying about AP and focus on you, your H, and your kids.

2) see 1)

3) time. Meditation. Art therapy. Counseling. Exercising. All of these things will help in the journey. Try and do something healthy that you enjoy. Stay busy.

4) see 3). Time. It just takes time. And in that, self care. NC unless it’s by you and H for healthy reasons. In the meanwhile write a letter to AP or his wife. Not to send it but just to release.

Last, how do you know his life is unaffected?

You’ve got a long journey but by building your own strength and working in yourself, you can get there.

[This message edited by Affairsouth at 8:36 PM, June 16th (Saturday)]

Agree with Foenix on her advice and comments.

Waste of time engaging in emotionally laden lawsuits re HPV. Face it, you did the crime on infidelity, HPV is your reward and a just one at that. Call it Karma. A lawsuit accomplishes nothing, except satisfy your desire for revenge. It would make your BH feel worse, not better.

You need to focus on fixing your BH and yourself. Forget about the AP. He gave you HPV for christ sake, it could have been HIV. He used you. Get over yourself.

If you don't want to be married, woman-up, admit it and divorce your BS.

If you do want to be married, start working on a plan to fix what you broke, including yourself. Go to SAA or a group where you need to confess what you did.

In your post you demonstrate no empathy or understanding for the BS. Everything is about you. Lose it. Start viewing the world as a 3rd person - what should you now do to fix your family and BS ?

Self-pity is no replacement for action. At least you feel some remorse though it is more to do with HPV and getting caught, then with feeling bad about the destruction you are causing.

The above apply to me as well, though our circumstances are different. We can't justify, minimise, or have any thoughts about APs or other activities outside of our families.

Seems to me you don't want to be married. Your 'self care' self pity is laughable. Maybe take care of your family first.

But, yes, I know I need to focus on rebuilding me and my marriage and my kids. How? Just not that easy. Im stuck in the how to do that. Trying to find answers. Still discovering lies AP told me. Still in the phase of giving all the information to my husband about the affair ( that he wants to hear). It’s painful but we are pushing through day by day.

We BS' need to understand that for every action there is a reaction. And you have created your own negative reactions. Own them and fix them. Or leave your family. And for Christ Sake, stop fixating on the AP who could have given you AIDS and not have given a damn if he did.

Saving your family is job 1. Available energy that you have to work on your life should be focused on them and picking up the pieces from the damage you have caused.

A lawsuit will only keep you focused on AP and the A and keep that connection in your brain. You are trying to close that chapter in your life not continue to feed it.

You have a huge challenge to save your M and get some care for your new STI's. Picture building a brick wall between the old ways of feeding the A and remembering all the connections with AP and time spent.

You're mad as hell and you want revenge and want to be right. You can simply find comfort knowing you were right and leave it go at that. You can be smug and know you were the better human that your slimeball AP.

It's time to move on. Move forward. Sole focus on your H, your kids. Your M. Recover from this bomb you set off in your M.

Affairsouth, I would do what your husband wants. His needs right now are or should be your #1 priority!!!

Yes this will adversely affect his betrayed spouse but that is NOT YOUR problem!! He should pay and big time for lying JUST SO HE COULD INFECT YOU!!!!! HE KNEW that you would have lifetime long effects from this!! THIS ALONE should SHRED any kind thoughts about him! HE was/is so SELFISH that he WILLINGLY INFECTED YOU with a disease that HE KNEW was easily passed on and WOULD LAST A LIFETIME and could KILL YOU!!! Every time you have a positive remembrance of him REMEMBER what he did ON PURPOSE!!!!

He not only injected himself between you and your husband but has TRIED TO KILL YOU!!! Maybe that wasn't his primary intention BUT it had to be with the knowledge of WHAT HE WAS DOING to your health.

So my opinion is follow what YOUR husband wants!!! You have not done anything he wanted for over a year, don't you think you should try HIS way for awhile? What would be the downside of this, #1 puts the affair front and center for a long time! Guess what IT is going to be front and center for a LONG time anyway! #2 It will put the facts out there and make YOUR behavior public knowledge, If your husband decides to expose he will anyway!

Cheater NEEDS to be taught a SEVERE lesson!! If he is NOT taught a lesson then he will simply do this to SOMEONE ELSE!!! His wife NEEDS to be told about the cheating and THE DISEASES!!! This is a MUST. It is not your place to worry about his marriage OR his finances.

Time and MUCH patience will be required to fix this if you can and making what your HUSBAND wants a priority will probably help more than anything else. If you really don't want to sue ok BUT your husband WILL probably assume it is to protect the AP, NOT recommended.

JMO YMMV

HPV can cause cancer in cervix and can be fatal.

You chose to have an affair. You chose to have unprotected sex with someone you knew was capable of lying and deceiving people. After you found out you chose to continue a sexual relationship with him.

Your anger is justified but misplaced. Be angry at yourself. Be angry for making these choices be angry for hurting your kids and your husband.

Unfortunately there are consequences from having an affair and you are finding that out the hard way. It's going to take a lot of time to even start to process it all. At 3 months out you are just At the tip of the iceberg.

FYI- HPV needs to test positive for 2/3 years before they look further at it and can take about 10 years for cancer to develop. If you continue to have positive tests they can scrape the cells. 1 in 4 people have HPV and it generally resolves in its own.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 7:56 AM, June 13th (Wednesday)]

Fellow wayward wife here.

You have received some good advice already.

I would not sue him. As Lucky pointed out, it keeps the connection. And, like other's pointed out - you knowingly had assumingly unprotected sex with another man. Dems the brakes. I would be pissed too that he lied, but the reality of it is people can contract these things at any time. A test at the beginning would have really been not that significant. You trusted the wrong person, so the ego takes a hit.

As for informing the wife, I do think it's a good idea - IF your husband wants that. And, I think your husband should call and not you.

As for the pining, I get that it makes no logical sense that you still have these feelings. Keep NC, and keep focusing on your marriage. In time, you will realize it's not the AP you are missing, it's the way he made you feel about yourself. You can't get and keep those feelings that you just get from another person. You need to do all that you can to learn to get that from yourself. For me, I was able to feel good again by exercising, eating right, sleeping good, taking vitamins, prayer and meditation, and by stepping up for my husband as he is healing. Every day strive to be the best you that you can be. When you get there, the healthier you will see that all that happened is you projected feelings onto someone who didn't have the qualities that you thought, and that what you got from him wasn't healthy, it was false validation.

Until you get to that point, just know some of the feelings you describe, especially the ones where you worry a little that he's gotten happy before you, (or maybe best translated as he's gotten over you) are normal. Waywards say this often, and it's because you miss the validation you were getting and because this is typical behavior/thoughts in an affair. An affair is making each other feel special and if he doesn't feel it any more that means that you weren't special in your mind. This too will go away when you do things that heal you from needing that and making yourself feel special.

Please take care of your husband, be completely honest - any lies will cause further damage. Help him with daily tasks he would normally complete - he has been traumatized and it will be hard for him to focus for a long time after this. I was very much in your shoes about a year ago, and if you make the right choices and work on yourself daily you will come out mentally healthier than you have ever been before. There is hope.

Just read your original post and am surprised (but perhaps I shouldn't be) that your husband was barely mentioned, although he's the one who stands to hurt the most. Maybe, just maybe move him up a notch or two, to where your heart is and care is. Everyone else but him seems to occupy the space that should be there for him. How can this be?

On second thought, as you proceed forward you may want to answer these questions for yourself.

1) Do you love your husband?

2) Do you want to be with your husband

3) Are you remorseful?

A couple of stories of remorseful wives so that you are clear what actions are commensurate with remorse.

http://www.f.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=617982&AP=1&HL=

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=608961&HL=59577

4) Are you willing to meet the hundreds or thousands of obstacles, rejections and periods of sadness he will encounter during the years of his recovery and remain patiently committed until death do you part?

The great advice given above is executable, but contingent upon your honest answers to these questions. You must answer these questions, though. Each question, except the remorse question, you should know either now or relatively soon. Sometimes remorse takes a while.

Added Note:

Should you decide to not reconcile, out of pure human decency, consider committing to helping him heal and/or cover costs related to him contracting the disease from you, after all the emotional and physical results of the infidelity will be permanent. Aside from giving birth to a lovers' child, there's no more permanent physical reminder for the betrayed than contracting an incurable sexually transmitted disease from the person they trusted most in the world.

Granted, you thought you had taken precautions, but you failed to realize the improbability of integrity and infidelity being in the same sentence or thought. They're are at opposite ends of the literary spectrum. In a real world, integrity is a reasonable expectation from a person you are intimate with. Not so much in an affair born of fantasy with a foundation of lies and deceit. The mix-up of combining both, finds your husband in a world that defies belief.

[This message edited by Jorge at 8:14 PM, June 13th (Wednesday)]

[This message edited by Affairsouth at 8:38 PM, June 16th (Saturday)]

"I’m constantly trying to figure out what was broken in me and my marriage to lead me to such an awful betrayal."

There was nothing about your marriage that led to your affair. This is all on us as Waywards. This is all about us being broken, leading us to choose poorly, again and again, putting our needs above the needs of our BS and M. It is not your M's fault in any way.

Hi there Affairsouth,

Welcome to SI. It's pretty daunting to be at the start of the recovery process, I know. There's withdrawal from the affair feelings, there's facing the hurt and harm inflicted on your BS and family and yourself and there's the questions about how and why you were able to betray the people you care about. It feels like a hopelessly complicated knot that can never be untangled but take heart...it can. It won't be quick and it won't be easy but it's possible to survive and even thrive after infidelity. So take some deep breaths and read on.

You'll have to come to grips with the fact that this is a major life event, with injuries. There's no "fixing it" and getting back to where you were. There is only fixing you and going forward to what might be. If there can be a silver lining to the STDs, it's that they are forcing that reality on you all at once instead of you having to come to acceptance kicking and screaming your way through denial.

Also, it takes a really long time to get to the "what might be", so you'll need to beef up on perseverance and develop some tools for dealing with difficult feelings that are wholesome rather than destructive. The timescale is roughly equivalent to what it takes to get a college degree with the possibility of graduate work afterward. 2-5 years is the conventional wisdom.

As far as what to do in the short term, one of the best things you can do is begin self education, in three areas.

1) The nature of infidelity. SI is a great resource but don't stop here. There are two books that helped me a lot. "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is a good general treatise on infidelity and how it impacts the people involved. It's the first book I read and it really helped me to begin to put the affair in context. "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald is a short, extremely helpful road map as to which behaviors on your part will help reconciliation and which will hinder it. If you want to reconcile, definitely read it and put the advice there into practice. I also encourage you to read the post here on the Wayward forum entitled "Things every WS needs to know" by HUFI-PUFI. I'll bump it up to the top for you.

2) STDs. I know you're really freaked out about having HPV and herpes. Know that both are extremely common, with 40-45% infection for HPV and 20-25% for herpes. You're not alone in this and there is a lot of information out there about how to deal. Although it can't be cured, it can be managed. How you relate to it in the future will have a lot to do with the work you do on your healing path. And that brings us to...

3) Mind and Body. Understanding how and why you were able to betray your spouse and changing those thought processes is something you'll spend a lot of time on and it's a critical part of rebuilding trust with your spouse as well as rebuilding a healthy sense of self and your integrity. There were two areas of focus that really helped me:

First, The work of Brené Brown on shame and vulnerability had a big impact. Her books "I Thought It Was Just Me" and "The Gifts of Imperfection" were game changers. She has some other books that came after that which are more applications of the ideas that she put forth in those two books and those were great too, but I would start with those first two.

Second, a mindfulness practice that includes daily meditation. This has been so important to learn how to deal with difficult feelings and accept things as they are rather than as I wish them to be. It will help you on a lot of fronts. The book "Buddha's Brain" by Rick Hanson explains the neurophysiology of meditation if you're wondering how and why it works. The teachings of Pema Chodron explore the psychology of and the practical aspects of actually pursuing a meditation practice. The teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh come at the same subject from a very spiritual perspective. An app like Headspace can help you ease into it. The benefits of meditation are cumulative. It might seem weird at first if you've never done it but if you stick with it I promise that you and everyone in your life will benefit from your practice.

As far as taking legal action against AP goes, I think your long term interests and those of your BS will be much better served if you put your energies into the self-education outlined above. Money isn't going to mend your BS's broken heart, and it isn't going to bring you back your tattered integrity. Getting to acceptance will help you a lot more than getting revenge. I do think his BS should know she's at risk but let your BS be the person to decide how and when that happens.

Recovery from infidelity is a long and hard road, sister, but the journey is 1000% worth it. There are a lot of people here who want you to succeed. This forum helped me so much and I hope it can help you too. Post here when you have questions or need support.

Welcome to the path from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Yeah, surprising that an affair partner would lie. I mean those who have affairs are such beacons of truth.

There is something said here about the reality of relationships with those who have affairs:

If they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. Also means that your AP will also tell you lies.

Quit focusing on the AP and revenge. You need to focus on you and the things inside that are broken that you thought having sex with someone outside your relationship was the answer to all your problems and issues.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my AP. That I dint think about the lies I spoonfed me that I ate up so willingly. How stupid I feel for believing I was special to him. How I believed the ‘I’ve never felt this way in my life before. You are my everything. We’ll be together.” He’ll yeah I think about that. Some days it makes me want to cry bc it’s the loss of a dream, I’ll say it again A DREAM. It wasn’t real. The second his wife found out it was BYE FELICIA. And that stung because I thought it was so real. But it was lies. No different than the ones I told my BS and my AP was his bf since he was 15. So I might not have herpes or hpv but I caused a fucking hurricane through his friends... the ones he’s known his whole life. Things will never be the same. They were his family. He might rather herpes instead of the shit show I left in aisle 6 for clean up.

My point is... there are always repercussions to actions. Wayward or not. But wayward... yeah. Throw shade, get shade. You knew you were playing with dynamite and now you’re acting like the victim bc you got burned. You lit the match. You allowed ALL of this happen. Until you own that and truly understand the magnitude of that you just won’t be able to grow as couple. Your anger is misplaced.

I was angry when I found out all that I jeopardized for ‘true love’ when I found out it was all hoax too. You get some leeway to relish in that but 3 months? You’re bout max. Follow your H’s lead and sit quietly with your thoughts of AP. Give it time. They lessen. Eventually the smoke clears and you’ll see clearer. Your loyalty needs to be to your H. Fuck anything else right now. You won’t find closure in a court case bc chances are, even if you sue, you’ll never see the money. It’s jtst the way of it. So fuck it. Walk away and focus on you and H. And suffer silently about AP. I kinda feel like that’s all part of it and it gets easier.

Thanks for elaborating. You were wrong on so many levels, but did right in recognizing and admitting them. That's a start. Your challenge is enormous and I honestly wish you and your husband well. I have much respect for the fact that you have come forth with truth. Your husband needs prayer, big time. His emotional state could not have been more damaged. I think it was mentioned by a poster above, but your husband's healing has to be top priority, so legal pursuits should factor his mindset very heavily.

Question 1: If a suit was filed and awarded, would your husband feel any differently about the affair? For me, the basis of the suit would be centered around another man entering my wife for a year, and inadvertently, left something there for me as a reminder. So, having to deal with the details of that would remind me over and over again. I'd imagine not much healing would take place with me having to face this legal matter. Just my thoughts.

Question 2: You mention you stopped the affair, however my read on it was it was stopped because of the complications from the STD, not because of your concern for your husband or marriage. I know you mentioned not having sex with your husband because of the STD, but you were still in love with the AP at that time.

So, if the STD hadn't taken affect, would you still be in the affair and would you have informed your husband? Another way to ask it; how would this have played out if your lover didn't have the STD, you trusted him and still loved him. This changes the picture quite a bit and if I'm your husband I'm interested in this answer, even if it's a "I don't know, answer". As a husband I'm thinking, the unfortunate circumstance of my wife contracting an STD is what precipitated her ending it with him, so if it hadn't happened, she may or would still be with him. If this is the case, then I was defaulted back into my marriage. Not a good feeling.

If you're answer is, 'I was ready to end it', then that's something he really can't go on, but will just kind of have to accept and the question will forever be unsatisfactorily answered. The "what if" will be there forever. I guess I'm not seeing anything definitive in your post that clearly implies, I want my husband and marriage back. Instead, I'm reading, the STD and distrust of my AP made me weary of all of the lies, etc., so I then decided to tell my husband.

[This message edited by Jorge at 12:14 AM, June 14th (Thursday)]

[This message edited by Affairsouth at 8:39 PM, June 16th (Saturday)]

This may surprise you but I do believe I would have come clean about the affair with or without the STD.

Devils Advocate - Thoughts your husband may be thinking

1) The above quote will probably mean nothing to him and its possible saying it him might be insulting. He's been played for nearly 2 years, so there's no room left for bs, even if you believe it to be true. Careful with this one. Your husband may ask you, what if your partner was not married, divorced, didn't lie and without an STD.

Would you choose the boyfriend or the husband? This is what I would ask as it removes influences that lead to the affair getting blown up. You may even want to ask yourself this very honestly, as it will help you determine if you want to reconcile. You may be surprised that I recommend you think of your reconciliation, but the emotion of you losing your AP, possibly losing your husband and family and the totality of the shame, may be clouding your ability to read where your husband lies in your heart.

The possibility of losing a long-term spouse is shocking, so the knee jerk reaction is often one preservation. As mentioned previously, the shock of this entire experience has taken you by storm, nonetheless, I haven't read anything that speaks of a deep love for your husband, just the totality of devastation you caused.

I'm not beating you up here, just citing where some gaps exists that you may be unaware of. The gaps could be ones because the love for your husband and wanting to be with him isn't there, or it could be that you are emotionally overdrawn and overwhelmed to notice it. Either way, it's important that your husband knows that he isn't there through default, but is the choice. Reallllllly tough sell here being he wasn't the choice for 1.5 years, but it's important for YOU to know this, so that you aren't fooling yourself and definitely dragging him through an emotional gauntlet. He's suffered enough and going through more hell than you will ever know.

I can’t be the only one who was going through reconciliation but still thinking about their AP???

2) By my estimation the physical affair lasted 1.5 -2.0 years which places it into the long term affair category. Decisions made to accommodate the boyfriend over the husband and family totals into the hundreds. It can't be turned off that easily and you aren't the only one by a long-shot. One of the most damaging residual influences post affair is the attachment that remains for the affair partner.

The BS is just absorbing the reality of a third person being in there marriage for months or years and later finds out that the AP is still in the mind of the WS despite no contact. Most BS can tell when the WS mourns over the loss of the boyfriend or girlfriend of the WS and are further humiliated as a result.

The problem with the law suit is you went back for more sex after you found out about the herpes. That doesn't sound like anger/shock/disgust. I'm sure he has proof of this.

A law suit won't do anything but drain your wallet and your energy. I'd much rather move on and start to heal than get tangled up in a law suit that could go on for years.

ETA At 15 months past day I never think of my AP. The affair and pain I caused, yes, but him, nope. It does get better. 3 months in I was still a mess. By 5 months the fog had really lifted. 6 months I was better. It's hard, it feels wrong to still have thoughts, but it's like a break up. You do still have to heal from it. I'm so so thankful I got my life back though!

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 6:50 AM, June 14th (Thursday)]