SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife had sex with her trainer 12 times in six weeks then confessed the affair to me.

The last six months I have avoided almost all contact with her despite living in the same house.

If roles were reversed & I cheated with hot young trainer I would expect her to have made more progress by now.

I just did a back and forth with a WW about her affair. She told me my wife did not deserve to live in limbo forever. This got me thinking......

How would I react if the roles were reversed?

What if I had sex with a young hot trainer 12 times at her apartment for 40 minute sessions.

My first thought is a potentially sexist thought. Men can have sex with women and it can mean literally nothing. I am not certain this is true with women. My bias is that it is not true. I am casting my bias that sex is always more meaningful to a woman than a man onto my wife.

I am positive that I could have meaningless sex with a hot young woman and that it could mean nothing.

I am positive that I could have meaningless sex with a hot young woman and that it would not effect my emotional connection to my wife.

I am NOT positive that I could have meaningless sex with a hot young woman and NOT have it effect our sex life because her body would be far more attractive than my older and less athletic wife's body. I am positive that this same truth effects my wife's attraction to her gym trainer's body.

I just dont understand exactly how women see sex. I am casting my own stereotypes on her.

I am just rambling.. trying to make sense of this situation.

I know for certain I would do anything under the sun to get my wife back if I did cheat on her.

If the affair ended our marriage I would much rather be the BS than the WS because our marriage was awesome for most of 27 years and if the marriage is killed it will be the WS fault. It would be the greatest disaster in either of our lives.

This situation makes me think I dont understand female sexuality.

If I was the WS and she did not give me attention for six months I would be dying inside. Dying.

If I was the WS I would have wanted and even expected her to make more progress faster for the sake of our marriage which I would assume was strong enough to withstand a sex-only 12 encounter affair.

Ramble ramble

If a woman asked me for advice concerning her husbands 12 encounter sex-only affair with no emotions I would explain to her men can have sex and it means nothing. It does not mean he finds her less attractive/desirable or doesnt love her any less. When it comes to my wife everything is different. Why?

[This message edited by MilwaukeeMike42 at 1:30 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)]

Hey friend,

I have read your other threads and will be writing you a post soon. I'm very sorry you endured this, you come across as very sincerely loving your wife. You're in a very terrible situation and in a lot of pain.

I'll just say this for now: dwelling on this isn't helpful.

Only she knows what she would do, and any answer she gives you now is tainted.

A corollary: you've asked multiple times if this guy gave your wife the best sex of her life, and how this thought is devastating to you (and rightfully so).

So what would you think if your wife was the best sex of her personal trainer boyfriend's life? How would she feel about learning that that? How would you feel learning about that?

See how these questions aren't helpful?

Praying for you, bro.

Morris1968

You wrote:

"So what would you think if your wife was the best sex of her personal trainer boyfriend's life? How would she feel about learning that that?"

It would not surprise me in the slightest bit that she was the best sex of his life. She is an incredibly sexual person with amazing skills.

I doubt she would care about that nor would I.

I would not care about that because that is not a threat to my marriage.

I'm sorry, I wasn't clear.

I doubt she would care about that nor would I.

You don't know that would be her reaction. Maybe she would be very self-satisfied with learning that information and be drawn closer to him.

Or something else. But one of my points is that you're working with incomplete information.

I would not care about that because that is not a threat to my marriage.

It doesn't take much imagination to imagine a scenario where it could be a threat to your marriage. Maybe she's so physically and emotionally moved and perceives her pleasing a high-status male that she's drawn to him more.

So I'll be explicit: We can take turns imagining things that both work towards building your preferred interpretation & image of your wife and damage your preferred interpretation & image of your wife. I don't think either is helpful.

I know you're hurting and I know there are big questions on your mind. That's perfectly legitimate. I'll just jump to my executive summary of my later post and just say please seek counseling. Don't go on this voyage without help.

Working on your problems is far preferable to imagining helpful and harmful answers to the issues that are on your mind.

Good luck.

Did you WW actually say something to along the lines of "six months is too long to keep me in limbo"?

Do not let her pressure you to "get over it" on any particular timeline. You need to take however long it takes, and the end goal is not to "get over it". The end goal is to find your truth.

Pressure from a WW to "get over it" is wayward behavior. If she is putting that kind of pressure on you, she needs to stop.

By the way six months is not very long. Most BHS at 6 months are still on a roller coaster of pain, rage, and despair.

Why? Do some research and you will see why. All people process infidelity differently and there is often a chasm between how men and women see things. Most men are destroyed by the sex and most women are destroyed by the emotional connection BH had with OW. Myself, as a BH, can tell you that I don't care one bit about any emotional connection my WW had with her AP's - it's all about the sex for me.

[This message edited by ISurvived7734 at 2:07 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)]

I don't know if I've said this in reply to your posts before, if so, I am sorry.

These trainer guys, at the gym.. their goal is to hook-up with MARRIED women, OLDER, MARRIED women. The reason for all caps is because they don't want single, hot young women. They thrive on getting a married woman to cave to them.

I know, I've watched my sister fall into this trap and a good friend. How did I find out? My H was best friends with a manager of a well known gym, and my H got all of the low down on who got who to go to the office for a consult.

So, this trainer did not single out just your wife, he probably was doing others at the same time.

Don't take it personal. It wasn't your wife, she was just one that believed his, sorry ass lies.

I wouldn't generalize about this.

If I was a WH sexually, my wife would Bobbit me.

Cheating is cheating, period ....

I see you are again focusing on whether he was the best she had and you feel she was the best he had although he is a predator and probably has been with many women who were good sexually. So who knows. And while yes it matters, you either need to find out and call it a day or just forget about it and try to R the best you can.

However, IMO, you need to be careful. You have swung from being overly repulsed by her to actually putting yourself in her shoes in less than 48 hours and being sympathetic to her. Your emotions are all over the place.

This is not a healthy place to build a gameplan moving forward.

One other thing. Meaningless sex to many here is as bad as meaningful sex. Cheating is cheating. Someone saying 'it was only sex' is an attempt to mitigate the cheating action. It doesn't make the mind movies any less. To some, it could be more troubling because it would make their cheating spouse more likely to cheat if they had such a low opinion of themselves or the act of sex that they could give it out like candy and hope to avoid the consequences.

Finally, how do you know if your wife would forgive you under the same circumstances ?

I also agree with Isurvived and changeneeded

Don't dwell on how women view sex, you can't generalize. Some must have an emotional connection with the man, some just want hot sex, some want the ego kibbles that come with it, some are narcissist and just want whatever makes them feel good no matter who or how many get hurt. You wife was older than the guy, he came on to her, made her feel younger, sexier, and she cheated.

You need to decide what you want - work on reconciliation or a divorce. It just might be that this is a "deal breaker" for you. If you choose reconciliation, then she needs to decide if she is all in on reconciliation or not interested.

You need to ask her these questions. Ask her point plank how good was the sex? Odds are she will downplay it and you won’t get an accurate answer. A sex is probably exciting and probably a bit liberating, due to the lack of history and preconceived notions about the other partner. My WW claims the sex was not any better or worse than what our typical sex was like. He didn’t blow her mind or have any tricks up his sleeve that she had never experienced before. She claims to have not had an O any of the 8 times they had sex, which is not surprising because in the last few years, post kids, she has barely had them with me. She says they didn’t do anything especially kinky, no extras and like anal or swallowing that I haven’t gotten in a few years. She said he had a similar sized penis to me, and that he didn’t last incredibly long. Overall, she says the sex was a lackluster experience, but that it was just part of the stronger emotional connection they had,

I am not sure how much of that I believe. I have come to accept that I will probably never know the truth. If he did blow her mind, and give her anally induced orgasms one after the other, she’s probably not going to tell me that. I wasn’t there, I’ll never know the truth. I have to assume the worst and then try to make peace with that. So will you, rather you choose to R or D.

You also mention penis size as one of your biggest issues. I really don’t think this is as big of an issue as you think it is. Before my wife, I had sex with women who objectively had better bodies, bigger/perkier boobs, gave better head, etc. None of that ever really mattered to me, and certainly had never crossed my mind while being intimate with my wife. I think my wife is beautiful, and that’s that. I have an average sized penis. It gets the job done just fine, but nothing to brag about. I have never met a woman that really cares about size, as long as it’s not too big or too small.

You are driving yourself crazy with these thoughts. Ask her, not us. The worst that will happen is she’ll tell you everything you already think happened anyway. I suggest you have a serious conversation, open up to her, and lay yourself bare. Best case, you guys start reconnecting and maybe even start having some killer sex again. One thing I can tell you is I regret waiting a year to have sex again. That initial urgency on her part had worn off, and we were just back to having basic vanilla sex, same as before.

MilwaukeeMike42, forget the sex for just a minute. What has your wife done to show remorse, empathy, contrition, and work to heal you and the M. What is her level of ownership and humility and doing what it takes to get right with you again?

DIFM:

I have avoided her as much as possible. The first four months I left for work at 6 and did not come home unti 10. I worked on Sat then went running and Starbucks to read.

Sundays I would read affair books, run and hang with friends.

We did not have more than a 5 min conversation in 6 months because I just could take it.

id you WW actually say something to along the lines of "six months is too long to keep me in limbo"?

Do not let her pressure you to "get over it" on any particular timeline. You need to take however long it takes, and the end goal is not to "get over it". The end goal is to find your truth.

Pressure from a WW to "get over it" is wayward behavior. If she is putting that kind of pressure on you, she needs to stop.

I think when a BS makes the choice to stay, they have to acknowledge that choice. After a certain point they are no longer a passive victim without any agency and must put in work to get into R.

Mike in a lot of cases where WW have As we hear a common refrain. That is that the sex is what they offered up to keep getting the attention or validation. Sex becomes something they can use as currency to keep getting whatever else they are getting out of the relationship.

Do you think that this may be the case with your W ?

You are right womens sexuality is hard to understand for us guys. The best description I've read is that the female brain is the "only sex organ."

You can fume about this all you want, but I really think if your W laid everything out for you (timeline) I think it would dispel some things that you are ruminating about. You are approaching her A like a guy with a guys mindset. When WW have an A the reasons are usually very different that just wanting some strange.

I know you don't want to, but try talking to her. Your anger doesn't have a target right now and it is bouncing all over the place. Tell her what is going through your head. At worst case it will help you feel a little lighter and less angsty.

My first thought is a potentially sexist thought. Men can have sex with women and it can mean literally nothing. I am not certain this is true with women. My bias is that it is not true. I am casting my bias that sex is always more meaningful to a woman than a man onto my wife.

I just wanted to say that I have known several women throughout my lifetime that can and do have meaningless sex with a man, some were married, some were not. If they found the man attractive, sex, and only sex was not a problem with them. And they were not looking for emotional attachment.

There are women out there like that that I have known.

There are a lot that don't do that, however, me included due to many reasons, my upbringing being a big one.

[This message edited by shiloe at 4:03 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)]

numb&dumb

You said:

"Sex becomes something they can use as currency to keep getting whatever else they are getting out of the relationship.

Do you think that this may be the case with your W ?"

Yes... she was getting validated by a younger hot man that she was still attractive at age 47 after gaining 20 pounds.

BUT BUT BUT.....

You said:

"Sex becomes something they can use as currency to keep getting whatever else they are getting out of the relationship."

I agree she probably did this but she is also an extremely sexual person and I am sure she wanted and enjoyed the sex.

My ability to accept all the bad from her affair has increased with time due to trying to accept it and the affect of extreme pain.

I have noticed that extreme pain will actually change my mind on topics. For example, I never in a million million years would have considered staying with a woman if she gave me sloppy seconds but if the idea of losing her to divorce causes so much pain that you can hardly live then sloppy seconds becomes more acceptable than divorce and hopefully over time it will be in the dustbin of history.

[This message edited by MilwaukeeMike42 at 4:33 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)]

I just did a back and forth with a WW about her affair. She told me my wife did not deserve to live in limbo forever.

Am I reading this right? A WW here on this site is telling you to shit or get off the pot?

edit

[This message edited by MilwaukeeMike42 at 9:43 PM, June 19th (Tuesday)]

MilwaukeeMike42, you have a pm.