SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This forum has been great. The one wall I keep hitting with a lot of the advice I've been offered is that many of the folks who are saying "divorce... it's worked great for me" had spouses who had not shown remorse or who had actually continued cheating.

So... have any of you had truly remorseful spouses -- who had genuinely tried their best to make amends -- but still divorced because you simply didn't feel the same about them?

I am not trying to put down any of the advice offered from the others. It is just that if my WW was unrepentant, I wouldn't be here asking about divorce. It would have been done three years ago.

No knock, but having a shitty, unrepentant spouse can make it easy in most situations! =)

[This message edited by fullgoosebozo at 10:10 AM, July 8th (Sunday)]

I suggest you look up Waitedwaytoolong's posts. He had a remorseful wife and filed for divorce after 5 years.

You know what... I'm going to say it... having a unremorseful arsehole of a wayward does not make it easier to divorce than if you have a remorseful one. Especially if it goes against everything you want for your family and for your children. You're not at a crossroads, choosing which path to take, you've got to your path by being bulldozed over and shoved broken onto it and left to crawl or limp to an unknown destination you would NEVER have chosen for yourself, before you were shoved into this shitstorm.

I'm not belittling anyone's pain, just saying it's a hell of a journey however you get here.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 11:51 AM, July 8th (Sunday)]

I agree with dragonfly. I was forced into Divorce. Something that I never asked for, wanted or thought would happen to me. I don’t agree in divorce. Marriage is a promise. I honor my promises. But even though I don’t agree with Divorce, I had to divorce. It was my only option in order to give myself and my kids a better life. I hated every second of it. I felt like I was betraying my morals and my true self during the D process. But I knew I couldn’t go back. It was the one thing my XWW and I promised we would never do to each other.

Having an unremorseful spouse makes me wonder how much (if any) of my marriage was real? And for me, it’s tainted my look on relationships and humans as a species. I know there are plenty of women out there that wouldn’t cheat. I thought I married one. I was proven wrong.

Like Dragonfly said, regardless of how your WS acts after Dday divorce isn’t easy. Infidelity is a true and utter Mindfuck either way you slice it.

[This message edited by SuperDaddy1027 at 11:59 AM, July 8th (Sunday)]

I think he meant it makes it easier to make the decision, not that the D itself is easier.

It's never easy to make that decision no matter how you got there, especially when it's a choice you'd never even wanted in front of you, six months ago today I'd have laughed if someone had said I'd be filing for divorce by august, because it was never even in my peripheral vision. I don't think anyone can say either way remorseful/unremorseful makes the choice easier... it's all just awful

But OP I am digressing. I think making a choice to divorce a remorseful spouse must be very difficult. I think but I might be wrong that there was a similar thread a while back but others may know better.

It's never easy to make that decision no matter how you got there, especially when it's a choice you'd never even wanted in front of you...

Amen! When I filed, it was the hardest thing I ever did. And I knew my XWW didn’t love me anymore, and didn’t care she put me through so much pain. It didn’t make it “easier” to make that decision. I still struggled and second guessed myself. If she was remorseful, the “hard” factor wouldn’t have changed and I’m pretty sure I still would have struggledl. At the end of the day, you’re getting a divorce....despite the reasons on why...that “decision” is never easy!

Dragonfly and SuperDaddy, josiep was correct in that I meant the DECISION is easier.

I apologize, because I edited my message. My original message said "a shitty, unrepentant spouse makes it easy." I then edited it by adding a disclaimer apologizing for how that sounded, because if someone truly loved their WS it would be difficult.

That part was fairly wordy, so I edited it again, removed the disclaimer, and simply added "in most situations."

So I do apologize if it was taken in a way I didn't mean it to be taken. I should have just left the disclaimer in! =)

But at the end of the day my point was what josiep said. I am simply asking about the decision when a spouse IS remorseful.

Guys, again, I am not trying to downplay your pain. My story is NOTHING compared to the insanity I have read from so many others on this site.

I am saying the decision would have been easier for ME had my WW not been unrepentant.

I hope that I am explaining myself better!

Fair enough full goose...

I have bumped a thread that I thought might help. Personally I haven't looked at it because my WH is FAR from remorseful. He's is the shitty unrepentant you talk about although in all fairness he does a super job of faking it for pity.

Yeah, for me -- if my WW would have said "F off" -- I would have laughed and replied "Oh, it's on."

Ha!

But we weren't particularly close to begin with. The sad truth is that if she behaved then how she does now, we would both have been on Cloud 9.

I should probably just let this lie but sometimes the semantics games get to me.

I had to have 2 dogs put to sleep in 2013. The fist was a lab, age 13. He was in a lot of pain, couldn't navigate the steps anymore. We took him to the vet right away but they examined him and sent us to a specialty veterinarian 60 miles away for testing. While he was in the MRI, asleep, the vet came to talk to us and explained that he had spinal cancer and there was nothing they could do, it was wrapped all around and through every imaginable space. We could take him home but the pain was going to get increasingly worse and since he was 85 lbs., getting him into the car to take him back again for euthanasia was going to be very traumatic. He said he maybe had another month before he was in excruciating, unrelievable pain. We had him put to sleep while he was under the anesthesia for the MRI. It was devastating. It was horrible. We cried like babies. Our hearts were broken.

2 weeks later, I had to make the decision to have our little rat terrier put to sleep. She was 16 and walking into walls. She had no control of her bladder, just stopped and peed whenever she had the urge. But she still enjoyed being petted and held and if I put her food in a blender, she'd eat it off a spoon with my help. She was not in pain. Making the decision to have her put to sleep was so much harder because maybe I could have kept her going for awhile longer. It fell on me to make this momentous decision. I had to make that decision, I had to weigh the pros and cons and the options and make a choice. Having the Lab put to sleep was really the only humane option; I didn't have to agonize over whether it was the right decision or not. I knew what the right decision was.

No one is saying either decision was easy. They were both Hell. But having the Lab put to sleep was way easier than having the rat terrier put down. She might have still had some life left in her and I had to make the decision to end it.

[This message edited by josiep at 2:45 PM, July 8th (Sunday)]

Either way it is a deal breaker. Your old marriage is dead. What you replace it with is up to you and your spouse. There is a 350% chance they will cheat again based upon studies. Take the emotions out of it and see what you have. For some/many it is a deal breaker. At some point during the adultery you were meaningless. Why does your spouse love you now. The same thought processes that allowed them to cheat still exist. What makes your spouse safe? How much work have they done? What makes him or her truly remorseful?

The cheaters are only remorseful that they got caught.

They wouldn't have cheated if they had boundaries and truly cared for you.

From what you post, there is still a lot of anger.

I’m not talking about D or M, but about the emotional distance with that other person, and how you seem to be surrounded by triggers, that won’t let you heal.

The place we were living shewn WW had the A was a temp apartment while there were contractors doing renovations to our place. So, while the A hurts, I was lucky in that most of the things that remind me of that A are now in a storage box somewhere. I did walk by that place yesterday, and I was triggered.

So, your story sounds a lot like mine, except that I could get rid of most of the in-house triggers.

On the kids: how they do react when they see you together? Does the lack of affection cause problems at school, or have they developed asthma, allergies, or behavior problems? Staying together for the kids might be dangerous for those same kids, and create a very bad model of what a mature relationship should be.

Good luck with whatever that decision might be; behaving consistently with one’s values is not easy, and being honest with others and with oneself might be a better option that slowly burning away trying to present a brave facade despite internal resentment.

Well my ex wife hasn’t shown an ounce of remorse. And the divorce itself was a living hell emotionally to go through. I got a voicemail a few weeks ago, and we talked on the phone, but I would be kidding myself if I believed it was remorse.

But even if she had shown remorse, I would like to think I would have tried to reconcile, but I probably would have divorced her anyways. I have taken a cheater back once, and what happened? She ended up cheating again, and again, and again, and again. I learned a long time ago that most cheaters will cheat regardless of how “sorry” they are. Not all, but most. I’ve seen some relationships and marriages survive after it, but the vast majority fail.

I am saying the decision would have been easier for ME had my WW not been unrepentant.

I agree with this. And for ME, I am certain this is true.

My first wife... she was not the least bit remorseful. I mean, she'd say that she wanted to be with me, but there were no changes in her behavior. Sure, I was stupid and it took me two years to leave, but I did and I never looked back.

My current wife... she says that she wants to be with me and she has never given me any indication otherwise. Well, except for the acts of infidelity that she performed. So, there's that, which leaves me with quite a conundrum. Most days, I see the person that I married, but some days... I remember that she has been unfaithful for much of our marriage.