SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Had a breakdown and breakthrough last night. My H had asked me to really focus on my Whys so I’ve been writing and digging. I’ve also tried to listen to what my H thought the whys were, if I disagree I still need to figure out his perspective. I kept circling around the same answers but it didn’t feel right, still seemed so superficial. I’ve spent a few months just free writing, going over my life story and trying to connect the dots. Doing my shitty first draft and it clicked for me when I wrote a sentence that broke the lies I was STILL telling myself.

The affair at its core was about revenge or getting even. I had taken the previous hurt in our relationship and said I’m going to hurt him back, I’ll show him that someone else thinks I’m attractive and they want me. I’ll show him. Admitting this to myself was like letting the flood gates open. I had kept the idea that I would’ve never done this going for so long that just thinking about telling my H would surely put him over the edge to be done with me.

It was this idea that there were somehow layers or tiers to being a wayward. If I admit and say that I’m that shitty of person to do something with the intent to hurt him then I’m the lowest of the low. The worst wayward of all. How could I look him in the eye or ask for a hug after this? Why would he want to be with a person like me? My H was at work when I was sobbing uncontrollably in a bath tub going over the conversation we were about to have but I knew he’d be home soon. I tried to put my best brave face on when I heard him come through the door but he spotted the fear/pain in my face immediately. I told him we needed to talk but I knew he needed a few minutes to decompress after work so it could wait a little while. When we did finally sit down I told him and he said he thought that was the real why all along. He wasn’t upset and I was kind of in shock. He knew all along and he still decided to stay? What have I done in my life to deserve this man?

There’s a whole new giant load of shame to deal with on my end working through all of the whys but now it feels like I dug to the bottom. I wouldn’t have gotten there without the help of my H and the posters here. I’m so thankful for both. I was also wondering if anyone else had discovered this as their why and how to move forward from it. Thank you for taking the time to to listen.

Wow, that's some very authentic and brave digging you have done. I too learned horrific aspects to myself that I never would have believed were part of me. And, I know how sick and ashamed that you feel after these discoveries and how shocking it is that your H wasn't shocked, actually suspected, and actually still stayed. It's a very humbling experience, and I just want to say I am proud of you, and I identify with what you feel right now. There will be some good changes that come from it - we can't change what we don't acknowledge. Humans are complex beings of dark and light and the more light we shine on the dark the better we grow and become. Keep going, Rogue.

Not my "why" per-say, but similar I suppose. I didn't do it with the intent to hurt him, or revenge, at least it wasn't in my conscious.

Entering into the EA, the kibble tasted like steak! It was like I had been starving. Of course I wasn't, but I remember the entitlement hit me hard. I deserve this, and if BH doesn't want me, it's obvious someone does. Perhaps that is vindictive in nature.

I could go into all the layers here, but I was 27 at this point and I learned growing up how to get things, even if I had to lie or cheat to get it. So why would this be any different? I was just a taker. An entitled taker.

how to move forward from it

You learn from it. It is a heartbreaking realization, I know, to want to hurt someone that bad and then do it. Have some compassion for yourself. There is nothing you can do to change the past, so look for ways to change the future. I know that may sound like a cookie cutter answer (or simplistic even) but really what else can you do? You make amends when you can, you fix that part of you, and hopefully you'll grow into something beautiful that outshines the old you, in your eyes and his.

So...what are your thoughts about how to move forward?

BTW, we are all the worst wayward Don't think its unique to you! It helps to know you aren't alone in those feelings, and ((Rouge)) you're not.

I had taken the previous hurt in our relationship and said I’m going to hurt him back, I’ll show him that someone else thinks I’m attractive and they want me. I’ll show him.

This might be more common than you think. I had a fear that my husband didn’t think I was good enough for him. That, and the resentments I had building up allowed me to rationalize hurting him before he had the opportunity to hurt me.

Wanting to hurt him was a horrible realization. I understand the uncontrollable sobbing.

Coming to the realization that you are capable of causing that much hurt and damage to another person will bring a whole new perspective to how you view yourself, not necessarily in a bad or shameful way. It brings enlightenment and clarity and caution to your thoughts and actions.

Awareness. Awareness will help you become a better and safer version of yourself.

I rarely post in the wayward section but you seem very sincere in your efforts to "dig deeper" so just wanted to congratulate and encourage you to keep doing so. I would also encourage you to not get too caught up in the self loathing of thinking you are "the worst". Instead focus more on how you can make yourself the best person and partner you can become.

Finally - I would like to leave you with a challenge to keep digging deeper. You may be digging in the right spot (I wanted to hurt you for the past) but I would also ask you to think of this as a starting point.

Here is why - while we do not know your whole story or past... the concept of wanting to hurt someone back for a past perceived wrong is not uncommon. In your case it appears that you had a more long term affair... I am assuming that you did not flaunt the affair or carry it out in plain sight in front of your spouse. If the motivation was to hurt someone with the affair - or to prove that others desired you, then they would really have to know about it as it was happening.

You have a good solid start on your journey to rebuilding yourself and hopefully your relationship with your spouse! Keep thinking and working on this - regardless of the outcome of your marriage, you will be a better person for it.

Keep moving Rogue0719...

I know it hard. Your digging in painful places so I will ask a couple of questions( I don't mean them to hurt but to get you to think/challenge yourself)...

Where the hurts real or perceived?

Where you angry that your husband "didn't fill you up"?

Where you hurt that he didn't soothe you in the manner that you wanted/needed?

Did your husband want you...and you couldn't receive it in the way he was presenting it?

Did you put expectation on yourself that you didn't/couldn't meet?

Did you put expectations on him that he didn't/couldn't meet?

Rogue0719...you are brave. So is your husband. Your shitty first draft...is just that the shitty FIRST draft. You will discover horrible things about yourself...but you find so many more wonderful, strong, beautiful things under all the bullshit you. Keep digging. Its there. Like Hikingout said...let the sunshine on those places where you are strong, wonderful and beautiful. Feed them. Nurture them. Because YOU are worth it and so is the man who is beside you.

Have faith in you...we do and he certainly does.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 9:16 AM, August 1st (Wednesday)]

Thank you so much for your replies. The support and kindness is appreciated more than you know. I think I’m still processing a lot today and have a lot to talk with BH about but I’ll go back and answer some of the direct questions tomorrow.

Facing the ugly things about yourself is HARD. It’s also important because you can’t fix what you can’t identify. Keep working and getting stronger. You can do this. Hugs.

Rogue,

I've had those feelings, I've stated I was the worst wayward of all too. Some other waywards agreed with me based on my actions. One of more difficult admissions was that I used anger, resentment to justify my actions. I was angry at my wife for .... whatever the reason.

It didn't matter what I thought or felt, or how angry I was. There is no justification or extenuating circumstance that would make the ever make betrayal somehow right, it is not possible. It is the cruelest things someone can do to their spouse. I am the shittiest of waywards in my opinion, I did everything wrong, and my BW still works towards R. That's what I realize.

Getting that out of the way, you are a very lucky WW, to have a BH with such grace and forgiveness. I too am lucky and thankful that my BW extended the gift of R. Tell your BH that you are so lucky to have him by your side. Thank him for the gift of R and keep thanking him.

I thank my BW for the privilege to wake up next to her in the morning. And I need to do that more often.

Thank you for posting this and the deep digging you did to uncover your why's

[This message edited by 2timesunfaithful at 7:36 PM, August 2nd (Thursday)]

It’s neen a long day or two, BH is upset and understandably so. Once it sank in for him too there’s just a lot of hurt involved but he’s still here so I’m still hopeful.

Foreverlabeled- my best idea for moving forward from this would be to not let it define who I am now or who I want to be. I’m going to try to stay honest and engaged with my H. I’ve caught myself pulling away from him out of shame but I know that’s not helpful nor what he needs from me.

Prissy4life- the hurts were both real and perceived. The biggest hurt was from Finding out on 3 occasions that my H was looking at porn behind my back. After the 2nd time I told him that if it happened again it would mean the end of our marriage, he didn’t understand how much I meant it and he did it again. I was destroyed and the “fairytale” ended in that moment. The perceived part of this was I took it as him saying he didn’t care about me anymore and used it to justify the A in some ways. Some part of me knew he cared or the revenge aspect wouldn’t be there. There’s many more layers just here and maybe it’s a different spot to dig deeper as well.

I was very angry about not having sex, H struggled with ED, I didn’t understand what that was like for him and selfishly made it about me. Which made things much, much worse. I thought we were young and sex was supposed to be easy so it must’ve meant we just weren’t right for each other. He refused to see a dr and I felt trapped and hopeless. I felt like if he wanted me he would’ve put in the effort to “fix” it. I couldn’t see that he was trying to love me in other ways, maybe wouldn’t is a better phrase. We were cruel and emotionally abusive to one another. Through it all he stayed loyal and true and I did not. I had put expectations on myself that were impossible to meet(being the perfect mom, housekeeper)but the expectations I put on him were cruel. I could never get enough attention or praise, the need was too big for any one person to fulfill.

I know there’s a lot to dig into and work out through these whys and situations. Today I woke up next to my Husband and like a lot of you have said that is grace and love. If he can stand to be with me after all of this I’m not going to take R for granted. Thank you again to everyone for the encouragement. I will try my hardest not to live in the darkness.