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Hi anyone familiar with divorce in the U.K.? I’m heading down the divorce road and could use some help. Haven’t had any luck with reconciliation from my ww. So divorce is the only answer for me. We’ve got kids and a house together been together 20 years so ain’t going to be easy.

I’m hoping to go with mediation and not a major lawyer battle. Can’t afford it.

Mediation is a good option. The court will usually accept the result if it's done properly and it will be cheaper. Depends if you can both be amicable enough to go through it.

Problem is that when solicitors get involved they will push you to get whatever you can and push you soon to be ex to do the same. So you have to come to some sort of agreement that this won't happen. Main thing is don't argue over the small stuff. TVs and sofas can be replaced.

Also consider your grounds for divorce. I assume Unreasonable Behavoir. Will your partner contest that? That can get expensive very quickly.

Good luck.

I’m not sure if she would agree to unreasonable behaviour. I have read that a sexless marriage is grounds for divorce. I think it will be important that we agree on the grounds for divorce to make it possible for mediation. One of my friends has been through divorce here recently and it didn’t go well. Another is in the middle of a shitfight of a divorce and his ww cheated although I don’t think he can prove it.

She wanted the divorce after cheating and is still trying to take him to the cleaners and he is giving her the house. And they have racked up big fees.

I however haven’t got the money for that. Everything I own is in the property.

I’m not sure if my ww was being very clever but all my earnings have gone into the house.

Is she open to mediation? This would be setting the ground work for a sensible divorce.

In theory yes she is. Practice I’m not sure. It’s difficult to get her to talk to me. One of the reasons are marriage has failed. She has agreed in mc that the marriage is failing and we need to talk about the next steps. I think the problem I face is that she has many divorced friends including some friends going through divorce now who will be saying take it all.

From what I understand uk law favours the wife if children are involved.

She hasn’t admitted any wrong and from what I understand doesn’t matter that much when it comes to divorce with children unless it can be proved that she is a bad mother.

Which she is not. We are not bad parents. Just isn’t working as a marriage. More her fault than mine of course.

Hi Limbo79,

been following your sad storey, sorry you ended up here. My storey has a lot of similarities. I got divorced in the UK.

I bought my wife out of the house, I stayed.

Although we never contested custody, our son stayed with me, school, friends etc. She had him every second weekend and when he was younger before and after school twice a week.

She did not pursue me for alimony and I did not press child support.

Pension wise, she agreed to a payout, so a clean break.

We were amicable, sat down and thrashed out an agreement, signed it (witnessed - although would not stand up in court) and gave it to our lawyers and said get on with it.

As stated above things did get a little tense when the lawyers got involved as I spose they have to push for the max entitlement, but we both stuck with the agreement.

My best advise is to talk to any friends who have/are gone/going through a divorce and see what they say about their lawyer, then make an appointment, not sure if they still do it but in my day they gave you 30 minutes free to talk over concerns process etc.

Also keep talking to you stbxw, keep the channel open hopefully you'll be able to agree to an amicable settlement by doing this.

Good luck, thought are with you and your kids.

It's quite usual for this stuff to get heavy. As mentioned, often there are divorced or divorcing 'friends' involved and they will go to see them and get all fired up.

In mediation, you can come up with a settlement. Probably financial / property and child care will be the main topics. The court will take this seriously even though it is not binding.

The main thing is to agree that you will both respect this because as soon as one person starts pushing for more, you both lose. Especially children.

The law does not favour the mother. The law protects the children first and in most cases, the mother is naturally the primary care giver. But not in all cases. The law also seeks to protect both parents so although it often seems unfair, it is not. You can opt out of a lot of things through agreement such as spousal support. A 'clean break' as mentioned but you both have to agree. The court will not award everything to the mother and throw the father out on the street unless it's extreme. But in most families, certainly in mine, although we tried to be completely 50/50 with kids, if you asked who was the 'primary caregiver' I would have to admit that it was WW.

I think there is an element of acceptance which can time. We ARE getting divorced. We both accept that. Let's do it kindly and hopefully cheaply.

Wish you all the best luck.

Thanks for all the advice.

Children are first. My ww was the primary care giver until I stopped working overseas last year. Now it’s equal.

The difficulty is my ww just ain’t talking.

We discussed it in mc but now we need to talk to each other on our own she’s dragging her heels and avoiding me.

I’ve got to chase her down and corner her talk.

I don’t want to be to aggressive about it cause I do want to go to mediation and we are both parents. If we can avoid a major battle then it will be better for the kids and us.

You have to assume she is making her own plans and taking her advice. I know my WW is, even though we do mediation. She doesn't share them with me either, even though I have promised to be fair and these plans involve our children. Sorry. It's the way it often goes.

It’s difficult as part of our problem as a couple is we didn’t talk, argue enough at times. We both held things in and rug swept. I had enough eventually with the A happened.

Now I have to forget about that now and move forward or risk the divorce getting worse. It won’t help and if she won’t afmi it now even with evidence it won’t help to bring it up in the divorce.

I’ve got to focus on what’s good for my kids and myself.

Does anyone know if it matters who files first in a uk divorce? As far as I can see it gives a slight edge. But not much.

I’m still going for mediation and I don’t want to be to aggressive. Only as I want it all to go as smoothly, easily and cheaply as possible.

I want to make sure that it doesn’t start a massive argument as we have 3 kids and for their sake I don’t want us fighting.

She is still denying everything and if I didn’t have kids I wouldn’t care about arguing but at least at the moment things are neutral.

We also run a business together so have to be professional about that.

But I don’t want to give to much away if it will weaken my position.

Assume the 'grounds' is unreasonable behavior? No, it doesn't really matter. When there are kids, the court will be looking at them first and not at blame. Unless she says you are a sex pervert or something. Even then they would want proof as people can just say anything and they are aware of that.

In my experience, what usually happens is the spouse wanting the divorce usually ends up taking the 'blame'. It's an odd thing but common. So she will cheat on you and then when you say enough, she will file, stating abandonment or some other nonsense and the victim usually just goes with that as it means nothing really and gets the job done. Usually the cheater will be the sort of person who cannot accept any form of criticism or be humble or reasonable at all so that's the way it goes. Means to an end.

Funny huh? I would take advice about what you accept as 'unreasonable' as I guess in extreme cases (drugs etc.) it may sway the settlement.

Yes it’s strange.

I’ve had enough, my ww seems to want to carry on like we are or preferably with me going back to work at sea and sending money home.

I know she’s cheated but can’t prove it other than behaviour and condoms etc.

I just know the marriage ain’t working. To many lies no affection love etc.

I will talk with my lawyer but wanted to get an idea first. Also seems safe to talk to ww as it won’t matter if she jumps to the gun and files. Same result.

Thanks

Also seems safe to talk to ww as it won’t matter if she jumps to the gun and files. Same result.

I'm not sure that it is the same difference as to who files. In my case (I'm American but was divorced in the UK to my British husband) I filed on the grounds of unreasonable behavior which included an outline of his affair (you have to file on the grounds of infidelity within six months of discovery so I couldn't do that unfortunately as we tried to R) and the court agreed that he would pay the cost of the D which amounts to 2k sterling. In the grand scheme of what the whole thing cost that wasn't much, but it was more then symbolic. If your Ex files then she outlines her reasons for the breakdown of the M and you could be liable for those costs. I think it is better to file first.

If you have a business together then this will be more complicated. See a solicitor to know what you can expect. Ask around in your community as to recommendations. A lot of solicitors will offer a free half hour consultation. I think it's worth seeing the most aggressive solicitors as a preventative measure--if you see them and even if you don't use them your WS can't retain them as its a conflict of interest.

Thanks for the info brokenhearteduk.

This is all such a difficult decision. With everything that has happened I guess I have become more indecisive and insecure. I’m trying to stay focused on what I need to do. My ww has become an expert at avoiding being alone with me and avoiding talking about what has happened.

I guess if I file she’ll have to talk.

I’m arranging a meeting with my lawyer this week. I’d hoped to discuss things before with my ww.