SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's very sad...maybe it'll help someone here who's going down that road.

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If I could give anyone a piece of advice for divorce it would be to not do it under normal circumstances. If your spouse is beating you or threatening you or your children then of course get out and fast.

In my case there was no abuse. We were together for 8 years that was mostly good and we have 4 kids. Right around 5 years I got a promotion at work and i got it in my head that my XH was dragging me down, or at least holding me back from more success and a better life. We never had a lot of money but with my promotion I was now making more than he was. I started working longer hours and at the same time his hours were cut so he was at home more. I really began to resent him because he was home and because he got to spend time with our kids. Most nights when I got home they were already getting ready for bed if not already sleeping. After a few months of my new job it was clear to me that things were not going well at home without me there. Some nights the dishes werent done when I got home or the kids hadnt eaten or whatever else I could think of to be mad at him about. It really didnt matter. He kept saying that he would try harder but that it was hard being home all the time. That always made me really mad.

For the next couple years things kept getting worse. My hours weren't any shorter and his were on and off fulltime. There was no convenient time for him to be working full time because of my hours, but we also needed the money. Whenever he would tell me that he could get extra hours I would always complain and the less hours he worked the more I complained that he wasnt bringing in enough money. Whenever he brought up the contradiction I would tell him that he needed to figure it out. I knew that it would bother him so I started saying that a lot and for everything that I could. I really started to resent him and I pulled away from him. I knew that it was hurting him but I didnt care. If he didnt want to be hurt then he would at least try to make me happy. I used that same thing to justify when I started to talk to another guy at work. I thought he was just a friend but talking at work turned into texting at home and then pictures and videos and then trying to sneak some alone time with him. I knew that it was wrong but it made me feel so alive, and my husband had not made me feel like that in years. I was tired of being unhappy and I was doing this for me. The worst was the night that I came home at a reasonable time and found that he had cleaned the whole house, cooked the whole family dinner and picked out a movie for all of us to watch together. This would have made me swoon a couple years earlier, but that night I couldn't even look at him and I pretended to be sick. I spent the rest of the night in bed while he waited on me and checked on me and even made me different food and brought it to me in bed. It made me feel terrible, and then it made me angry that he made me feel that way and by the end of the night I was texting with the other guy.

Over the next month or two from that night it did not matter what he did. He was wrong just for breathing most days. He would get so upset with how I was treating him and I would just wait and egg him on into losing it because i knew it would happen eventually. After most of the fights we had he would apologize for whatever I told him he did wrong if there even was something, but I never did. I would usually find a way to make him feel even worse. I knew that I was right because he was wrong and that was all that mattered to me. I even pretended that I didnt care when he found out about my relationship with the guy from work. It really destroyed me inside to see him holding back tears, but I wasnt going to let him see that. He was at his weakest and that was when I chose to tell him that I wanted a divorce. I could almost hear his heart shattering inside his chest. He talked and fought and said that we could work through it together. I really wasnt interested in fixing our marriage, but i mostly ended things with the other guy but only because i knew i could get it back if I wanted it.

I could see that he was trying and occasionally i would let him know, but for the most part I kept being a huge bitch to him for any and all reasons that I could think of. I'm not sure how much more the man could have done to make me happy besides finding a job that paid enough for me to not have to work at all. He said that he was looking, but looking and finding are 2 different things. It was around this time that I discovered this group and a few others. I started posting things about him, from my perspective only, and I got so much positive feedback for how I was feeling that I knew I was right. The more I posted the more validation that I got. It wasn't just me who knew that XH wasn't worth keeping around. I had the whole internet telling me how terrible he is. I started saying awful things to him and even outright ignoring him. I was so confident with mine and everyone elses opinion that I contacted a lawyer and within a couple weeks had filed for divorce. I continued to use this site and a couple others to validate my feelings and for encouragement to go through with it, and finally it was done.

It went pretty smoothly. XH didnt ask for much besides to not get divorced and to try to work it all out. I didnt care about that though. He was broken, but I was free. I could do whatever I wanted without having to feel any guilt or answer to anybody. It was an amazing feeling of freedom. It didnt last long though. In the first month after he moved out I missed garbage day 3 times. There was also rarely a single clean dish and the laundry sat in piles so long that I had to start doing the sniff test to see if it could be worn again. I also never saw my kids more miserable. My oldest had seen some of the messages from the other guy months earlier and she knew that XH still wanted to try to work it out. It didnt take her long to stop talking to me at all except to say that she wanted to go to XH house. The others all told me that they wanted to live with XH too. I did my best to try to make them happy, but I ended up just buying them toys all the time and the happiness only lasted minutes. I also was having a lot of trouble with work. Being alone I couldnt work all those extra hours that I was expected to. I finally gave in and starting calling XH to watch the kids. He would always come over as soon as he could and he always asked me if i needed anything. When I would get home I would find clean dishes and laundry and even dinner sometimes. He would never say too much after I got home. He would just say to call him if i needed anything and leave. One night he took out the garbage and brought it to the curb because it was garbage night and I forgot again. He always looked so sad when it was time to go.

Finally after a couple months my friends convinced me to go out on a date. It was for dinner and a movie and I was excited and hopeful, but at dinner I started getting a feeling of overwhelming guilt. It got so bad that I ended up not even going to the movie. A week and about a million tears later I was on a therapists couch. I told her everything that had happened starting with the promotion that I got at work. She did not agree with me or with any of the encouragment to divorce that I got. I ended up in her office 2 and sometimes 3 times a week, and the more that I talked to prove that I was right, the more that I started to see how wrong I was. It was truely heartbreaking. I dont know if I cried as much in my whole life as i did in the first month in her office. After about 2 thousand dollars of therapy sessions I learned that my XH had his faults, but I figured out that mine were so much worse. I did so many awful things and said awful things that I wouldnt want to be with me, but he did. I still remember him asking me in the meeting with the lawyer to please not go through with it. I did go through with it though, and then later I bragged on here how great it felt. I was so wrong, and now I can see it.

A couple weeks ago I went outside with him when he was leaving the house. I asked him about getting back together. When he looked at me his eyes were full of tears and a couple went down his cheeks. He told me that he didnt know if he could. He said that the pain has been too much for too long and that if we got back together that I might just turn around and do it to him again. He said that he always thought that I would realize how much he loved me and stop up until i signed the divorce papers and let out a big over exaggerated sigh of relief. He said that hurt him more than anything else and that he doesnt know if he can ever trust me again. I dont blame him. I destroyed a man who looking back was a great husband. I deprived my kids of having a great father in the house with them and I took his kids away from him. And me, the one who pushed for the divorce expecting happiness and a life of freedom, spend all my free time sitting at home or sitting on a therapists couch.

Please dont just take the advice of anyone on this site or any other about getting a divorce. If your marriage is bad look at yourself first and see if you can make changes. This is advice for men and women. Getting divorced is not fun. Being divorced is not fun. And seeing your husband broken and your children never happy because of your actions is the most painful experience that I can imagine.

I wish all of you well and hope that you will give your marriages a second chance

It genuinely boggles the mind how some people can be so lacking in self-awareness and can have so little empathy for the one person they're supposed to value above all others. I know these people exist. I've known some of them myself. I was unfortunately married to one. I just don't understand how they are the way they are, and what's even more confusing is when they finally start to figure out what they've done. I feel like it should be impossible to ever dislodge your head once you've managed to get it that far up your ass.

This broke my heart to read. It is soooo my life. Just WH/BW instead of WW/BH. While D hasn't been filed yet, it's pretty eminent. Family and friends keep telling me to wait, that WH will "come to his senses" and will come back, Unfortunately, what most of them don't realize, is that our seperation wasn't so he'd come to his senses, it was to give me a chance to come to mine.

So after 20 years together, 2 A's, 2 years of false R, all the lies he has, and continues, to tell, all the disrespect he shows....I know in my heart, mind and soul that he will never be a safe partner, so I'm finally done with this marriage.

My WH has expressed many of the same feelings this WW did. He "wants to be happy". He's never said it, but I do feel he thinks I hold him back. He travels for work, by choice, for weeks at a time, while I'm here, holding down the fort. I, also, do think when I told him to leave, he was relieved. He will tell people I'm great person, I've been a great wife, I'm a great mom...those people ask if all of that's true, why are you treating her this way? His reply is he doesn't know...I know why. He does it because he can. He does it because I allow it. He does it because I taught him over the last 20 years that it was ok. He does it because I didn't value myself, and therefore, he didn't value me either. How could he? I taught him not to. Much like the BH did in his situation. I sacrificed myself for what I thought was the greater good.

I do wish the people that really needed to see, read, and comprehend this would, but sadly they probably won't.

[This message edited by doigoordoistay at 7:40 PM, November 1st (Thursday)]

this is sad...I feel terrible for the betrayed...and wondered why he stayed so long...

I stayed too long...

I feel my STXWH lives in fantasy... life is passing him by...there is this fantasy life of fun, sex and affection....just waiting for him...and somehow he became trapped with the kids and me...

HE believes he doesn't have much longer to live...I believe he left me, to live it up before its too late...Hes NPD...I don't think he has had or will ever have any regrets, remorse or guilt...that fantasy life is just around the next corner. he will live it...before he dies. HE will probably live longer then all of us...You cant make people see their self centered ridiculous choices....and they always come back. Wanting the destroyed to live with it.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:05 PM, November 1st (Thursday)]

GoldenR,

I’m curious - I don’t want you to name the site - but what kind of site was it? Was it a divorce forum? Infidelity forum? OW forum? I just wonder what kind of site would blindly encourage divorce without exploring her actions...

Sassylee, the wording strongly suggests that it was posted on a divorce-oriented message board on a much larger website. Just copy a few sentences from the story and run it through google. It'll show you where.

Sassy - it's a place that has tens of thousands of sub "forums", with a lot of angry mugs that make me look tame. Lol.

Thanks GR - figured it out!

I suppose if a member came here and made up shit, lying that their spouse cheated, was lazy and abusive - we’d probably all tell them Divorce was a legit option. Thing is, if what she was telling them was actually true - then it probably would be a good decision to divorce. Better advice to the board would have probably been to not lie about your own story...

That's exactly how I saw it, Sassy.

I doubt she was telling them, "I come home from work and he wakes on me hand and foot", only for them to say, "Divorce the bastard!"

Wow, that really hits home. Thanks GoldenR.

Many of us BS separating and divorcing just don’t have any other option. There’s only so many times you can be kicked while already down on the floor before self preservation kicks in and divorce is the only healthy option. But I actually think the number of WS who realise that the love that they’ve lost is worth so much, after divorce is much higher than people believe. I’ve posted that before. I know of so many older people who had affairs who would beg the younger generation not to do the same and talk of everything they’ve lost.

Edited to get rid of nonsense...

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 3:46 AM, November 2nd (Friday)]

Thanks Dragonfly, but....I didn't write that. Lol. As the title states, it's the top rated post ever from another place's D forum.

Also, I'm a male. And I'm the BH who kicked his now XWW out many many years ago.

Ahhh.... totally misread it!

Sorry I’m a idiot sometimes and it’s very early here. And I always thought you were male, having a thick moment 😂😂!

But thoughts still stand I reckon a lot of WS do really regret the divorce once it’s over... a lot more than we give credit for!!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 3:45 AM, November 2nd (Friday)]

Wao, I guess the majority of the WSs when they really see what they've lost, they realized they fucked up big time, by then the BSs have put up with so much that the only option left is divorce. Sometimes the aftermath of the affair and the things the Ws say or to do against the BSs is what push us over the cliff and to the point of no return, don't look back, don't give a shot attitude.

GR I've tried to send you a PM but there is a limit, would you mind PM me the site's name?

wow!

Thanks for posting, while the divorce aspect doesn’t apply, swap the job situation with a “fictional affair” and you have how my WW treated me the three years prior to her affair.

This hit home hard this morning....

That really says what a lot of us BS have dealt with. I bent over backwards for my ex and he was only concerned about himself. Although In this story, I am glad she came to her senses, ultimately her selfishness cost her greatly.

And, I have seen this more than once. He wasn't helping around the house, when he really was doing things that you did not notice. She wasn't seeing to the bills to my satisfaction, but she was doing it at her pace, and bills were not going unpaid. Time after time, I have seen perfectly good spouses tossed aside for not so much. The OP in this case, may have this really washed in her face. I had one last year where she really did not know what she wanted. She had single girlfriends with a lifestyle, she made a trifle more than him, but her position was one of authority in her company. So, over the course of many months, she did the same to hers as the OP. He eventually said to her that he felt she had fallen out of love with him, and being the good chap that he was, he offered a separation. She was more than happy. Over the course of a year, he improved himself, he found friends, worked on his career, he had his kids 50% of the time, which quickly escalated. It started with the kids telling her that they'd rather be with dad. Then the things that he used to do, began piling up. Yard work, car maintenance, you name it. Plus, she was dead lonely, the job took a lot of her time, and supervisory without pay, sucks. She realized she had thrown out her marriage for no good reason, she examined her feelings, only to discover she still loved him, but she hurt him and was hesitant to go back when she was to blame. It caused her to hold off for a few months. She waited too long. Her husband came to her and asked to finalize a divorce. He had met someone new. His kids adored her. They were now living in their dad's new house, with the new SO. When I saw her for her taxes a few months later, she was utterly depressed. I told her that nobody has ever lay on their death bed and regretted not spending more time in the office. That great job? She quit. She is talking about moving across country to restart. Her ex is getting married in May.

Looks like GR is frequenting the off-site live chat. I had read through this yesterday when it was first brought up and talking about it.

Wonder how many others from here are lurking in there...

That place is considered "live chat"?

But yeah, I lurk there occasionally. But I feel that so many of the stories there are fake, so I don't invest too much time there.