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What a fool I have been! My bs got our in our car and drove away. But, only after my extreme mental and verbal abuse caused her to do so. We were pretending we had a good marriage, as I have required. Rug sweep king. Had to go thru a state where my ap resides and it fucks up my bs bad. Fucks me up too also. I promised I wouldn't return to my normal assholeness once through there. Guess what I did?!?

I made excuses of my company irritating my because of lack of work or sending us on an unwanted direction or unwanted destination. We're truckers. My bs asked questions and I yelled a deflection or angrily yelled a vicious answer or... mental and verbal abuse.

Wednesday night slept in a walmart parking lot in sand springs ok. The morning started horribly with me making her cry before we even got out of bed. She got out of the truck with her dog and said goodbye. I called her and most ineffectively coaxed her back to the truck. I drove off. Its 30° in oklahoma over 200 miles from the home place. I drove off.

She called begging me not to leave her there. Cold and alone. Like I make her when she if with me, only there's heat. I turned around(ain't I great) and went back to get her with the normal and bullshit promises of no more abuse. The argument started right away because I was turning around when she called. Not how very incredibly sorry I am for leaving her in the first place.

Go deliver the load and my bs works with me as usual. She really is an incredible lady. She doesn't believe my words because I threw her away for an affair with my cousin. Sick !! Get called to the terminal for normal equipment inspection. Instead of making us sit there for the holiday weekend, we get authorized to go home. 220 mile ride and last chance for me to have deep meaningful conversation about us, our marriage and my affair. You know, maybe volunteer information? Not be an asshole?

I either don't speak or point out things like houses or cars or talk about what's on cnn. Nothing about us. So, once again, my bs gives me another chance to try and begin a repair of us. We've rented a hotel room and the plan was to get the car out of storage, park the truck and try to enjoy a long weekend out of the truck. I'm still yelling about, what?, I don't remember anymore. She asked if I wanted to still go to the hotel with her but I say I'm tired of all the fighting and arguing. She says many many times she just wants away from my cheating abusive ass. She hates me and hates being near me any more. I'm a sick and disgusting pervert. I can't argue.

So, truck parked and she is trying to be reasonable and we both go to the hotel. She wants a guarantee that I won't asshole out on her. If I do, I have to leave the hotel room. I stomp off to a bathroom in the truck stop while she grabs her stuff from the truck and loads it into the car. She tries one more time asking if this is what I want as I yell at my dog. Last straw. She drives away. And I feel dead and empty inside. She is alone with her dog in a hotel room.

I took a most wonderful woman who gave me a most wonderful family and threw it away for a sexting affair with my cousin.

It's Thanksgiving Day. Call her and apologize.

Look, I get that you can't fix everything that's wrong in a single day, but what you CAN do is let her know that you're willing to make a plan together for how to proceed forward. It would take some time for the two of you to devise that plan, so it doesn't have to be accomplished all in one day, right? What would it take to salvage THIS day, so that Thanksgiving of 2018 isn't a bad memory for both of you?

Frankly, you're going to need to get out of your shame spiral and probably quit drinking altogether. I'm no psychologist, but typically anxiety and/or depression will cause these kind of angry outbursts. The shame spiral magnifies emotional triggers and alcohol increases anxiety. Both sides of this equation will need to be addressed before you can get a handle on these outbursts and your conflict avoidance.

For today though, your BW is stranded, both physically and emotionally. That's not good.

I disagree with CT.

You have Been horribly abusive to your wife for many,many,many years. You tell her you will stop, but you don't. You suck her in with false promises,and lies, and continue to beat her down.

You only come on SI when you think you're actually going to lose her "this time." You say all these terrible things about yourself,and talk about how great she is. It's just another way to manipulate her into staying. You know she will read your posts,and you're hoping she feels sorry for you. You make her think you will be different, but nothing changes. You get great advice, yet you don't apply it.

The best thing you can do for your wife, is to let her go and help her get on her feet. She has no money, and nowhere to go after Sunday. Send her money. You live in your truck,so you have no rent,utility bills,etc. Your wife has no job,no money,and nowhere to live. If you mean what you say, then help her with all of that. Send her money so she can survive.

And get help. You need intense IC. Show her you're changing through your actions. Help her so she's not stranded. Don't promise anything. Don't manipulate her. Stop being mean to her. Work on yourself. Show her you care by helping her financially. Let her heal. Once you've actually done some work on yourself, maybe she will be willing to give you another chance. Until then, respect her need to be away from you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:30 PM, November 22nd (Thursday)]

I usually love Camomiletea advice.

But I'm going to disagree.

LEAVE THAT WOMAN ALONE. If you have any decency send her back to people who love and care for her.

You are an abuser. You continue to mentally and emotionally abuse. And now you physically abuse her by leaving her in 30 degree weather 200 miles from home. You used the fact that you PHYSICALLY control the truck to exert power and control over her.

LEAVE HER ALONE. You are unsafe and ESCALATING in your behavior.

Well, I've been sober for a good many years now, maybe 10 or 12. I'm an alcoholic, so I don't drink.

Yesterday was the head of over 3 years of my lies and abuse after the devastation of my affair. She has been begging for me to let her go for a while now. And the phrase "I'm sorry for..." has been so used up now that it flat out pisses her off and she has to ask why am I trying to pick a fight.

Pretty sure I'm too much of a coward to call her. I sent an email earlier, but that is redundant also.

I'm working with a therapist and starting the EBT therapy, but its slow. And I should feel like a lowlife scum without a slice of joy in my life and build on my self hatred instead of.... I destroyed this wonderful woman and all she gave me. Oh ya, I'm a walking contradiction. Judgemental and all.

I also destroyed the traditions of Thanksgiving and Christmas, as this is affair season.

Without defending, we have a joint bank account with direct deposit from my employer. I don't fuck with the money.

Don’t worry about winning her back at this point. You have a lot of shame issues. Take a step towards honorable actions by dumping that drink and sending her enough money to survive for a month or two away from you. You are right. She gave you a lot and she deserves at least that from you. Send her the money or maybe offer to do whatever she needs to get settled and walk away so that you can focus on your shame and anger issues. You have to get out of shame before you have something good to offer her.

Maybe she will be gone by the time you are healed. That is an outcome you have to man up and accept. I actually don’t think sexting your cousin is the main problem here. Your inability to face yourself is the root cause, and you will carry those demons into all your relationships if not resolved. Don’t run away anymore. Send her the money, give her some space, and do some soul searching.

[This message edited by Bestthing at 12:52 PM, November 22nd (Thursday)]

Um, and my bs also has her 2015 Chevy equinox.

Just stop. You are defending.

Due to your mental and emotional abuse she can't see the resources in front of her.

You have so mentally amd emotionally abused her that she is so beat down she doesn't see an escape.

P4L you're right, of course. I didn't get my way so I threw a fit like a 3 year old little boy. Most of the time, it felt like I wasn't there, just someone looking in on a freekin lunatic. Minimize much?

Not to be harsh, but this seems like your annual post. What have you changed about yourself Ray?

Ray:

I get that you are feeling like a fool and flailing around in the shame of things you say or do. Your head seems to be a spinning mess of unhealthy thoughts that lead to hurting your wife in one way or another.

Until you can spend some good time with your IC and get a handle on everything you must be feeling, I'm going to make a suggestion that focuses on giving your wife some valuable care.

Without inserting yourself or your marriage into the situation - see if you can find some real-world ways to make her safe right now. To provide her with a comfortable place to land. Move mountains if you have to. Rack your brain to figure out a way to make things right for her away from you. She has a lot to figure out and housing and money and food and heat and safety and a little daily peace shouldn't be things she should have to worry about. She needs a safe place away from you right now.

Do these things because you love your wife. Regardless of what happens with your marriage. Do them because you are the breadwinner and they are the right things to do. Show her what you are capable of.

If money is no issue - then let her have enough to do what she needs to do. Make everything easier for her. Ship her all her belongings. Send a wire transfer. I don't know what it looks like exactly, but at this point, I think *actions* like this can only help everyone heal just a little bit.

Well, I guess my annual post would see me as the asshole from the last posting. Still looking for that magic bullet or shrink that can penetrate this idiot. Working on ebt with the 6th(?) therapist.

My bs told me I was famous on here for this reason. That's really sad. Posts, advise given, stuck on a horrible track of self destruction.

My poor bs put up with a miserable bastrad

So, night before Thanksgiving, a rough holiday for so many BS for obvious reasons, and this happened:

I drove off. Its 30° in oklahoma over 200 miles from the home place. I drove off

I can't wrap my head around this, it's almost like you have zero concern for her, her well-being. I get that she threw up deuces and walked away, but 200 miles from home...she's not exactly ubering that back.

Ray, infidelity is one thing, but the fact that you can do what's stated above, you need to get your mind straight. If you don't have the basic decency to protect your spouse, you're never going to be a healthy spouse that will help her while she recovers. I'm just shocked at the complete disregard for your wife.

[This message edited by MoreThanBroken at 8:33 PM, November 22nd (Thursday)]

MTB, she is in a hotel with her car and credit cards and debit card to our joint account, in the town we used to call home. I'm in the truck. I know she needs this space and time. All our belongings are in storage, so...

Wow, hearing myself read what I did out loud is incomprehensible!

I sent an email earlier with no reply. I didn't expect one. She has asked me to step out of her life and cease existing.

Ray,

Stop with the self pity and calling yourself names. That is just more of the same self destruction. You are not an idiot and the fact that your AP is your cousin doesn’t make the EA any worse. All EAs are about ego kibbles and it doesn’t matter who is on the other end.

Post about something positive that you are going to do to help your wife and your situation.

She has asked me to step out of her life and cease existing

Perhaps you should do part of what she requested (not the cease to exist part) and allow her to heal from your abusive ways.

I drove off

This astounds me. Who does this to someone they profess to care for/love, heck even like just a little bit? What makes it ok within you to treat people this way?

Working on ebt with the 6th(?) therapist

I am unsure if you are referring to CBT, cognitive behavioural therapy, but the fact you are on your 6th therapist concerns me. Why? How come so many?

CBT requires work on your part. It is a model based on shifting your thinking which will result in behavioural changes. It is something you have to do. It is not passive, you have to do the work. I can accept the odd therapist isn't going to develop rapport with you perhaps, or it just isn't the right fit, but six of them? Why do you keep quitting and looking for something else? Are you capable of actually doing the work rather than just talking about it? Ask yourselves these questions. If the answer is no, than don't waste your money on therapy. You will continue to be cruel and hurtful to those for whom you care and the outcome will not change. You can't expect a different outcome when all you do is pay it lip service.

My heart is very sad for your bs. Please make yourself a better human being, if not for her, then for yourself.

EBT Emotional Brain Training. Rewiring the circuits in the brain for better person.

Usually the therapists turn out to be quacks. BS tells me so, mostly cause the therapist blames foo on my fuckedupedness.

PP64,

She has asked me to step out of her life

After reading her responses to other posts recently, she was at the end of her rope already, then you abandoned her all over again. Honestly, sincerely, literally...do as she asks.

As for you, can I ask why you only post after a massive fuck up? Do you feel like you actually need help or was this at your BS request?

Ray,

I think it was for the better that you didn't follow her to the hotel. I believe that you would have only amped up your anger and you would have caused more emotional damage to her. I think you need to leave her alone as requested, that means stop reaching out by email or any other means (SI). You describe it like a toddler tantrum, except you're a grown man and I doubt it's anything like a tantrum. Tell it like it is Ray.

Nothing has changed because you aren't doing anything different. You aren't working to fix yourself. I find it hard to believe that out of the 6 therapist you've seen that they are all crazy. I find it more likely that the problem is with you. I don't think you really want to put in the work. I mean it's not easy y'know? And change is uncomfortable and the time involved, people tend to give up. Many WS will manipulate this situation, they will pay lip service and try to skirt by, thing is when things heat up their true self always comes through. The minute you feel like you're losing control out comes your abusive tactics to rein her back in.

Is EBT supposed to help with your tendency to abuse? That's the kind of therapy you need. But again, I honestly don't think you really want to change. And I don't think anything we say here is going to help you. We've tried, and here you are basically in the same situation as before. All this post serves as is a way to get through to your wife to manipulate even more and I find it disgusting. You're only "sorry" here and see the wrong because your in person tactics didn't work. I don't buy it anymore, you're a broken record.