It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. The last time I was here, I had been hiding upstairs in the bedroom because my BH was insisting that I was withholding something and kept repeating “Tell me right now or we’re done! You’re lying and if you don’t tell me what you’re hiding right this second it’s over!”. That went on for a couple of days (in between the name calling and shaming) and I broke and hid. Someone on here suggested that I get in touch with my remorse and share it with him. I went downstairs and did that and it was the most open and unfiltered I have ever been in my life. And it was great. For the past couple of months, things were great.
Until this past Tuesday. We were sitting on the couch in the morning as usual checking our phones, reading news, Facebook... (he works at home, I’m unemployed so we’re home together all day). He told me about a Facebook response he was about to post that was borderline inappropriate (sexual). Catch me on a good day and it wouldn’t bother me, but he caught me feeling very insecure and it triggered my insecurities and I gave him a disapproving look. That’s what started the cycle over. He started out by talking about why that look bothers him. The more he talked, the more fired up he became. The talk continued and escalated literally all day and eventually turned in to him calling me names, telling me to fuck off and he’s certain that I’m hiding something and I better tell him right now. This continued yesterday and once again, I am in my bedroom hiding.
My self pity is back. And I know I can’t feel sorry for myself. I know that I have no right to feel sorry for myself because I created all of this. But I am and I don’t know how to pull myself out. I want to feel good and stop hating myself. I’m tired of having to always walk on eggshells because if I accidentally say an offhand comment that he doesn’t like or give him a look he doesn’t like, I pay for days or weeks. I’m tired of being insecure all the time and living in constant fear because it’s been made very clear that he can leave at any time easily because he has worked hard to emotionally distance himself and because his sister told him she will buy him a house so he can leave-she’s even looked at houses and found a few. (She is financially able to do this. Oh! Bonus! She consistently texts him links to articles on how to identify and deal with a sociopath!) The constant fear is real and it’s always right over my head if I step out of line at all. )The last fight that resulted in him insisting I’m hiding things was started because I made a comment about wanting him to be more careful with my car when we finally get it running again. I’m constantly afraid to upset him so I don’t speak up if anything is bothering me, I’m careful not to disagree with him, I filter what I say, I pay attention and control my body language and facial expressions...
See? The self pity has taken over and I don’t know how to pull myself out.
I realized something about myself last night. I don’t have the tools to help myself. I mean, I don’t know how to talk myself out of this. I don’t know how to like myself on my own without somebody supporting me. I was raised with negative reenforcement. I was never taught to like myself or believe in myself and find the good things about myself. Obviously this is a problem because it’s what keeps me in self pity and prevents me from having the confidence my BH needs to see.
Ugh. I’m sorry, I’m all over the place babbling. I’m venting and I’m seeking advice on what to do (other than hide in the bedroom) and what he needs and how to stop this stupid cycle so I can stop living in constant fear.
