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I am exactly one week away from the day my wife of 22 years met her AP. We were making Christmas cookies with our family and I was overwhelmed with pain from the betrayal. I became agitated and dismayed. This used to be a fun and joyful event that we used to share as a family and now it seemed empty.

I am upset that the rest of the Holiday season will be filled with anger. She has tried to comfort me and be there for me but I just don’t care. The resentment is so strong.

Any advice on how to cope? This sucks.

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It really is a suck sandwich when the holidays are forever altered due to the selfishness of a wayward.

I don’t have a lot of help BUT, in the past when I ever felt overwhelmed by resentment, it usually stemmed from feeling that my husband wasn’t trying hard enough or downplayed the events. When I feel taken for granted, it really winds me up.

Perhaps you are feeling the same?

I'm so sorry, it really is heartbreaking how the most joyful time of the year has turned in to this. I can only share what helped me the most in moments of terrible pain: I was concentrating only on one thing at the time. One breath. And one more, and just one more, maybe you can break it down in to one cookie, and one more. Maybe try to lose yourself into making the one perfect cookie with all concentration. And one more. Living just in the moment, no past, no future. This helped me a lot. Sorry if it sounds confused/confusing, english is really so not my language. I will try to think about another way to make it easier for you.

Hugs

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 11:48 AM, December 13th (Thursday)]

I can relate.

I was the baking cookie queen before D-Day, I probably baked a thousand cookies every holiday, giving some to family/friends as gifts. For years and years.

My D-Day was in April, I couldn't bake another cookie for probably four years. My heart just wasn't into it at all. The Christmas prior was when my WH and the OW were making plans to meet after the holiday when he was visiting her site, while I was working, going to school, taking care of a family, shopping, baking, blah, blah, blah. It hurt me to the core when I read their email exchanges while I was super mom/wife trying to ensure the best holiday ever.

My home always looked like a Christmas Wonderland, and after D-Day, I did the absolute minimum, just putting up the tree and stockings and a few outside decorations.

You feel what you feel, don't try to brush those feelings aside, it only makes the resentment grow.

Sometimes we just have to fake it until we make it, it sucks, but for the sake of the children you have to do your best.

I still made sure my children had a great Christmas with presents under the tree and keeping our holiday traditions.

I never held back my feelings from my WH, ever. If I made him uncomfortable, well too freaking bad, he turned my life upside down and inside out.

It will get better with time.

Sleeplove, I feel exactly the same way. I use to LOVE the holidays. Watched all the cheesy Hallmark movies, etc. I use to go above and beyond decorating. My DDay was 10/2017 and this year the holidays are even more difficult. I think because reality has set in more. Also, all the false R, etc. makes it worse.

I wish I could be more helpful, but I can only tell you the little things that I find somewhat helpful. Whenever I begin to feel "down".....I look at my kids and think of something to do with them. I get up and begin making cookies with my kids and even invited a friend over last week to join. I listen to music I enjoyed growing up. I go treat myself to a warm bath and glass of wine. I journal the hell out of my feelings. I call my mom or a close friend and just talk.....about anything....about everything. I try to remember how much joy the holiday season brought me, even before my marriage and remember that my kids deserve to experience the same joy. So, I put my heart and soul into making that happen for them.

How has this helped me? Well, even though I can't get myself to watch a Hallmark movie....I am beginning to feel a bit like myself again. I am beginning to learn that the A does not define me. Anger will be there for a long time. Sadness and hurt will consume me. The reality is.....you will begin to realize that our WS are the ones that are losing out in the end. They chose a destructive way to self-medicate their feelings and lost so much along the way. During the holiday season, remember that your WS can still look at you in a way you can't look at them anymore. You remained faithful and true to yourself and the marriage. As much as they may not want to admit it......they can look at you with a great sense of respect.....unfortunately, that is not the case with us BSs.

So sorry you are dealing with this pain. Just know you are not alone. Hope you do find a bit of joy and comfort this holiday season. Remember, YOU deserve it! Do it for YOURSELF!

Christmas has never been the same for me after I found out my WH had taken me Christmas shopping to buy something for OW. He told me he was shopping for gifts for his sisters. It seemed weird that he was looking for a specific perfume line (same scent for perfume, lotion, bath soap, etc) and bought them both the same brand.

So Christmas for me is forever tainted. I have more enthusiasm for it now that I have grandkids. I do look forward to New Year's Eve, however. I like to go out dancing and it gives me positive feelings because I survived another year and a new year awaits.

Thanks everyone. Those are helpful and comforting thoughts. I think the fact that this whole A was carried out just before, during, and after the Holidays last year is making it very difficult.

I do feel like my W is trying to help me through it but when the feelings hit they are overwhelming. I have to be honest, I will be happy when the Holidays are over. Scrooge.

Unfortunately this is what happens ... you might be ok, but then BAM! A trigger.

It sucks and it is overwhelming at times.

It gets better ... it really does. But as others will tell you there is no magic formula or cure ... it just simply lessons over time ... little by little.

The holidays are supposed to be a time for family and traditions ... and that has all been changed.

Are you in IC?

One of the best things that work for me is to go outside. The fresh air always helps. Do you have a dog? Take him for a walk ... or just go for a walk ... it always helps to clear my head ... sometimes I'll run into a neighbor and we start chatting and then the trigger passes.

I know it sucks. I wish I could say that there was quick fix, but there isn't.

sleepylove I understand what you're feeling. My ws started his A early December and it went right through the holiday period and into the new year and it collected anniversaries, birthdays and special times along with it, all tainted now to a certain degree.

It makes you crazy thinking about what was happening in your life that you were not aware of. It makes you question everything. Going over every moment you remember from the previous year and reliving it in your head making you sadder and angrier and full of resentment at the new reality you have been dealt with. All normal.

The first holiday season after dday is bad and for me so far the second one is not much better. The same questions I asked last year are still there. I know the answer but it doesn't matter. I still asked them again. I had to hear the answers again.

I believe it must take quite a few years for it to settle into the background of memories, hopefully each year replaced with new better ones. I am trying to change things I used to do with new things.

Maybe scrap cookie making time and replace it with something else if it is a "tradition"? Make a new one.

You will get through it and if you feel like it sucks too much, post in here.

When you’re dealing with the 1 year anniversary, there’s just nothing good about that time. Throw in a holiday that you’re supposed to be jolly and happy and it’s just a nightmare.

My h was all Mr. Happy at that point and I felt like Scrooge. Everything took such an effort that trying to pretend to be all merry and bright just put me over the edge.

Keep it up, sleepylove. Focus on your kids and doing the things that you love. Let your ws deal with the more grueling parts of the holidays. You will look back on this time and be proud of yourself for keeping it together for them.