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My wife and I have been married 16 years. The last 7 or so have been sexless, due in part to her medical issues (cancer, hysterectomy, other problems). We have slept in separate bedrooms for a decade, initially because of snoring and wildly different circadian rhythms. We also have an imbalance in terms of earning -- I'm the primary breadwinner and she's been a SAHM turned dabbler in consulting turned real estate agent.

This has taken a toll on our relationship. Our communication patterns haven't always been great, especially around money as she tends to run up credit cards. We've had some contempt and tension build up through the years -- but in general, we always at least seemed like we were on the same team. We still enjoyed each other most of the time and were friends. We kind of settled into the roommate, co-parenting arrangement. It wasn't ideal, but I decided that I could tolerate the lack of intimacy in exchange for at least daily involvement with my kids, who are now teens.

Over the summer, she asked to go to marriage counseling, which is something we should have done a long time ago. I agreed. We kicked off the first session in September by each telling the counselor we wanted to make the marriage work. Most of the few sessions focused on our conflicted approach to parenting -- she liked to complain about bed behavior and lecture the kids when they made a mistake and I preferred to just address offenses with appropriate consequences and move on. The counselor was helpful in getting us on the same page there... but then she started to get into the obvious lack of connection and intimacy between us.

Then at the end of October, her behavior shifted dramatically. She began a liquid diet and shed weight. She began making a big deal out of the fact that she was going to leave the house every day (I work at home). She was making it a point to be busy building her real estate business and other activities like horseback riding, piano lessons, volunteer work, etc. Things that basically had her out of the house from 9-7 or 8 every night. While I've always sort of been the default parent, that took on a whole new level since she was literally never around -- I was working full time, shuttling kids to activities, making dinners -- that she wasn't eating because of either her diet or she wasn't home. She was literally keeping a different schedule, eating different food, making a whole new independent life for herself, including new friends that I wasn't being introduced to.

Meanwhile, she was working a lot on her web site for her real estate business. I have long thought she spent WAY too much time on that, but it got even worse. Her web designer lives 2 hours away and she's known him for 25 years. I knew he had blatantly propositioned her about a decade ago because she told me, but whatever, I was secure in my marriage then. She announced she was going to get together with him -- hadn't seen him in years. Me, still in the trusting mode, said, go, have fun.

But the day she left, she came down dressed to the nines -- more care in her appearance than I have seen her do for me in years (later I found out she had spend hundreds on makeup and hair). She was vague about when she would return -- saying only that it would be late. She was late to respond to texts, especially when the kids asked me when she would return. Ultimately, she got home at 2:30 a.m. and didn't even text me to let me know she was departing.

For the first, time, my suspicions were really aroused so I started looking at the phone records. There, I found hundreds of calls, some of which lasted 3 hours. This couldn't be all web design business. The kicker: She was on the phone with him the entire drive home that night. And the next morning, while I took one child to a day-long school event, they spoke for 3 hours.

So, I raised how threatened I was about this in marriage therapy. And for the first time I announced I was frustrated about our sexless marriage and wanted to work on this intimacy. After all, she was the one who has suggested marriage therapy. She reacted badly, announcing she needed to go back to her individual therapist. She basically shut the whole conversation down. She also announced she was offended that I didn't trust her and that OM was an older friend than I, and how dare I suggest anything happened.

Now, at this stage, I'm obviously triggered, but I cannot prove anything and I figured we would continue to work on this in therapy.

Then the trips to a town in another state that's equidistant between our house and his started. Ostensibly, they were because she wanted to get her real estate license in that state. But I knew she was lying when she would text or call and apologize and say someone had called and she was running late -- because those calls were not showing up in the phone records. Also, when she lies, she tends to embellish details -- and that's exactly what she was doing.

On Dec. 13, we talked and agreed we would separate in January. She said she wanted to keep it amicable, and cohabitate to save on lawyer fees, finances, etc. I agreed. Meanwhile, I knew she had already contacted a lawyer (something she denied) and I contacted my own.

I could at least three trips (during the weekdays) to this town in the last six weeks. But things really came to a head in early December. She announced she was going out for a night on the town with "the girls." Although suspicious, how could I argue with that? I said, "have fun." Sleuthing revealed that she had hired a town car to drive them around town for six hours ($850! Although I assumed several people would split that). Again, same thing -- vague communication, didn't get home until 2:30 a.m. No text to tell me when she was coming home. But she finally made a mistake -- she left the bag she had packed for this excursion in our van. In the bag were four splits of champagne, some snacks ... and a bottle of KY ultraglide sexual lubricant. Now, ladies, help me out, but I'm pretty sure sex lube isn't something you normally pack for ladies night?

Anyway, with that first tangible red flag, I stepped up my sleuthing. I finally got into her phone when she left it somewhere and found the sexting messages from October, including the fact that she was engaging in phone sex while our daughter was performing a solo in marching band performance at the homecoming game. They referred to deleting a bunch of things and said they were moving to WhatsApp. But, they forgot to delete several pages of texts, and now, finally, I knew. I also know a lot of other things -- the name of the AirBnb they're using, the name of the limo driver (possible witness), etc.

She most recently saw him in the city on Thursday. I know because I see where she went in the previous destinations in the car navigation system (which she uses always).

I have hired a private investigator. We originally planned a family trip over New Years to see my extended family, but she has already said she will invent a reason why she cannot go. Our investigator believes that the day my children and I depart will be the next time they get together. And they're going to get the evidence I need to prove adultery in court, if I need to do that.

So now we're at a point where she is expecting to begin a conversation in January about an amicable separation. I no longer want to cohabitate. My lawyer, who is normally a huge proponent of alternative dispute resolution, says I should file for an at-fault divorce. The reason, to protect me, is money. We were married so long, I am potentially looking at lifetime alimony. But if I can prove she had an affair, she risks being awarded nothing.

I have no interest in seeing her left financially destitute -- although that may happen anyway. But I'll be damned if I am made to subsidize the rest of her life after the hell she has put me through the last three months.

Meanwhile, I'm taking care of myself. I've built my support team. Our marriage therapist has become my individual therapist. I have a lot of work to do on myself to understand how I tolerated this for so long. After a couple of weeks of raging anxiety, I'm finally calm. As devastating as finding the texts were, there's some comfort in knowing I haven't crazy.

We haven't had the confrontation yet -- I don't think she has an inkling I know. I'm pretending to be airy and light, because I cannot spook them. I need the PI to get the evidence. And I may need to talk to the lawyer before I confront. But I do find myself rehearsing that confrontation speech over and over. And that's making it hard to sleep.

Hi and welcome. I’m sorry you had to find us, but glad you did.

You are way ahead of the game. Good for you because many are stunned into inaction and fear.

We have a healing library on the left.

I agree you are better off Keeping quiet until all your ducks are in a row. Please take special care of yourself. Your kids need you to stay healthy.

You should keep your cool for now and not confront her about anything. Wait until the P.I. gathers enough evidence to satisfy your lawyer that you have enough proof for an at fault divorce (which can be surprising difficult to prove depending on the laws in your state).

Once you have enough proof you will be in the drivers seat which will help you down the road if you decide to D. Then you can confront her with the iron clad evidence.

Wow. Just gather more evidence. And when you do confront, blow it up on all levels. Talk to the all possible witnesses. Have her served when she is with him. Protect yourself.

I knew it. So my thinking is you have been allowing it to go for a longtime. The best scenario for cheaters is cake eating, cheating while having a caring atmosphere at home. You have enough evidence, since it seems like you have had enough of this, , I think you should stop the cake eating right away. You will be surprised to see how WS get affected when they come to know the caring BS front is collapsing. They cannot enjoy cheating anymore and either start crying/pleading (if they want marriage) or start acting up if they are in fog or prefer the AP. You have been providing her the best conditions for cheating.

But I do find myself rehearsing that confrontation speech over and over. And that's making it hard to sleep

. Also do not get affected over and over. That make your WS a winner. Do your other things with even better rigor. Living your life better is the best response and WS will also notice that

Also make the OM pay by informing his BS for a start

[This message edited by goalong at 9:25 AM, December 22nd (Saturday)]

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:25 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

Welcome AuckyAucky.

It looks like you have a really good plan to get your ducks in a row, and get the evidence you need, to protection yourself (and your children) financially. I think that you're doing a wise and level headed thing here, as horribly hard as it's going to be for you, to get through this time when you know, but are waiting for the PIs proof.

I would also like to suggest that you start a calendar and start writing down every thing that you're doing to parent your children. Go back a couple of months if you can, and reconstruct every time that you've made them meals, taken them to and from schools and/or sports/activities. Doctor appointments that you took them to. Times that you were caring for them at night when your wife wasn't there. Build your case for custody, because once it becomes evident to your WW (Wayward Wife, one who cheats, the abbreviations that we use are in The Healing Library) that she has screwed herself out of alimony, the next logical place to go is to go for 50+% of child custody, so you end up writing a check to her every month for that. If you've been the primary child care person, you need to establish that so you continue to be so. This isn't vindictive. It's business. Your business, to get the best outcome for your children possible.

Hang in there, please read The Healing Library, and take a read through some of the posts that have targets next to them that got bumped up. All good information and knowledge is power. And remember, we're all here for you.

I'm sorry that you're here, so far you're handling it well, act normal, let the PI do his job, the PI will get plenty of evidence, document everything, yours and the PI's. Once you have undeniable proof (video, pictures, texts, etc.), consult with your attorney and have him draft a divorce settlement in your favor with no alimony and you keep most of the marital assets in exchange for a no fault D and that YOU won't expose her A to the world (that doesn't mean after the D is final that "someone else") won't expose them, confront her with some of the evidence and let her know you have much more and have her sign the settlement, if she refuses, well blow up her world, if the AP is married tell OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse).

If spending more money is not that big of a deal to you and you feel you need to file for D on adultery grounds then that's OK too, as long as you're willing to spend the extra money.

The confrontation: sit her down and tell her: "I know you've been cheating with (AP's name), I want you to tell me how it started and how long it's been going on, you owe me at least that much". Make sure you record the conversation with your phone and to avoid possible false DV charges if she gets furious, she will deny, deny, deny, then BAM !!! show her undeniable proof, she will try to blame you, re-write M history, blah blah blah, stop her and tell her you were in the same M and you didn't cheat, that she needs to apologize to you, your children and both your families for her HUGE betrayal and for having destroyed the M. Don't lie to your kids and tell them exactly why you're divorcing.

I have no interest in seeing her left financially destitute -- although that may happen anyway. But I'll be damned if I am made to subsidize the rest of her life after the hell she has put me through the last three months.

She fired you from the job of worrying what happens to her, so I think it's okay to let the OM subsidize the rest of her life if anyone's going to do it. You aren't a public charity.

In terms of the confrontation... Guys have to be careful to avoid false domestic violence charges, so talk to your attorney about what wiretapping laws say in your state, and keep a VAR in your pocket and nanny cams in your living area in accordance to his/her advice.

You might also consider having the confrontation in a public place (like over dinner) in order to have witnesses. If you're really enterprising, pack her a bag and keep it in the trunk of your car, then arrange a taxi and a hotel for after dinner. Tell her you think it's best to take some time apart and put her in a cab. If you can avoid in-house separation, you'll avoid innumerable opportunities for her to make up stories about you. If possible, never be alone with her again.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but it looks like you're keeping a cool head and planning for the future, so you're already miles ahead of many newly-minted BS's.

I have no interest in seeing her left financially destitute -- although that may happen anyway. But I'll be damned if I am made to subsidize the rest of her life after the hell she has put me through the last three months.

Let her boyfriend handle her financial end. You would be well advised to take care of yourself.

Thanks to everyone who has replied.

Yes, I know I need to work on myself. I was afraid to initiate divorce when the kids were younger because I was afraid of losing daily contact with them. That was the driving reason for toughing out the sexless spell. I know it's not fair.

To the person who said keep a journal -- I've been doing that, including noting child care. Good idea on recreating the last few months. I mean, I'm pretty much the one who takes them to every doctor, orthodontist, play practice, sports practice, band practice, playdates with friends, etc. I make 80% of the meals in the house for the family. I'm the one the school calls if there is a need.

More background: OM is married with two teens as well. I keep seeing recommendations to contact the AP's spouse -- I had leaned against that because I didn't really want to lower myself. Plus, it might take some doing to locate her. I've also toyed with not telling my kids exactly why the divorce is finally happening (they know things aren't great between wife and me). I guess if they ask, I'll say ask your mother (although she's an Oscar caliber performer when it comes to lying).

Also, I actually know OM. I worked with him on a project with wife years ago. I've long suspected he wanted in my wife's pants. Sigh.

Anyway, I'm trying to focus on me.

Also, I only hired the PI last Tuesday. We actually had a Keystone Cops couple of days trying to get the tracker on the car, because she didn't show up where she said she was going to show up (one time legitimately -- traffic caused her to miss an appointment; the other time she duped me and went straight to city to meet AP).

My kids and I go out of town next Friday. She was originally going to come, but under circumstances she will make up a story about an ill mother and bail on the trip. PI is pretty sure that will be the next time they get together -- says cheating spouses 90% act the day their spouses leave town. So, that could be the "sting" day. I did see she was researching B&Bs and resorts, and I wondered if they might try for their first overnight then. If the PI captures that, it could provide the proof -- and leverage -- needed.

I would rather not do an at-fault divorce. Rather, I'd like to have that as leverage to get favorable terms in a no-fault. Although one advantage of the at-fault divorce is I can be free within a year. No-fault could take 2 as we have to be separate for a year and then it could take 11 months to get on the docket.

You've been in this long enough. Go full force. Quit wasting your life away on this. Life is very short. You wasted enough of it already.

Don't lie to your kids.

Tell them the truth in a sanitized way. The truth fixes a lot of things.

There is no easy way to end these things. Don't look back and wish you'd moved quicker.

I don't know of anyone who wishes they'd stayed in infidelity longer.

Have the PI locate his wife. She's probably living in the same hell you are. Don't leave her in it.

One thing that was interesting was much of the last week I was out of the house a lot. I was meeting with the PI, consulting lawyers, going to counselors, doing a little Christmas shopping.

Wife is in habit of sleeping in every day, usually until about 10 a.m. It's always been this way but she has had a medical condition the last couple of years that has exasperated it.

So, the last four-five days I haven't been there when she gets up. And she has had no idea where I am (although I know she's anxious that I'm seeing a lawyer -- I did tell her that expecting her to tell me she had already consulted one, but she continues to deny seeing one even though I found the spousal support worksheets and engagement letter (unsigned) in her bag).

I'm sitting in the therapist's office Wednesday when she texts me wanting to talk. Saying that she had sensed "hostility" from me and wanted to be sure we were still on the same page about a cooperative separation, etc. Because we had had that civil conversation a couple of weeks ago where she said we needed to stop being coy, put our dukes on the table and literally told me she had no side piece.

So much has changed since that conversation. Then, I was willing to consider cohabitation in a separation. But finding that lube three days after the conversation and everything else since then has put me in a completely different direction. That text from her was interesting because it clearly shows HER anxiety here. My therapist helped me craft the neutral response. I said something about it wasn't my intention to be hostile, but this is a difficult journey and I'm incredibly sleep deprived and that we didn't need to speak. I think she bought it.

In January, she expects we'll sit down and start working on that negotiation. I hope I have a completely different agenda. She's going to be shocked.

By all means tell your kids in a sanitized way like "mommy has a boyfriend" and give them his name, stop giving cover to her A, don't be her accomplice of keeping it a secret, sometimes kids blame themselves for the separation, it's their life too and they need to know why it's about to change so drastically. Also tell OBS, it's the right thing to do, you would want to know if the shoes were reversed, she also needs to get tested for STDs, she needs to make an informed decision about her M, same as you.

Her and her other man have been way ahead of you. Their plans have destroyed your marriage and your family as you knew it.

I would not try the Mr Nice a Guy route at this time. They are ruthless and made plans to have it their way. You nor your kids didn't matter much.

Get everything you can for you and your kids. You are the only parent that will do that. Let her fend for herself.

They were planning on doing that to you.

[This message edited by Marz at 3:36 PM, December 22nd (Saturday)]

So much has changed since that conversation. Then, I was willing to consider cohabitation in a separation. But finding that lube three days after the conversation and everything else since then has put me in a completely different direction. That text from her was interesting because it clearly shows HER anxiety here. My therapist helped me craft the neutral response. I said something about it wasn't my intention to be hostile, but this is a difficult journey and I'm incredibly sleep deprived and that we didn't need to speak. I think she bought it.

Nice job. Mouth shut. Eyes and ears open.

For those advocating telling my kids at the appropriate time, remember they are teens. They are almost 16 and 14. I'm not sure "mommy has a boyfriend" is going to do it.

I guess I can be matter-of-fact. But I also know they will really hate their mother (although the oldest already isn't a huge fan.)

Then just tell them she's been having an affair with (name him) maybe show them a pic of who he is.

She will try and introduce him to them so don't let them be blind sided.

Take complete control of this. If not she will.

You'll probably get crying, crocodile tears, etc but they will all for her getting caught not you. Then you'll get the blame game. You caused her to cheat, yada, yada, yada.

She made a very planned and deliberate decision to cheat. You didn't have one damn thing yo do with it.

I guess I can be matter-of-fact. But I also know they will really hate their mother (although the oldest already isn't a huge fan.)

Upfront but that will dissipate over time. She's still there mom.

You just tell the facts. No name calling or bashing. You won't and don't need to do that.

Her actions brought to light will be more than enough.