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HurtDec (original poster member #53069) posted at 1:55 AM on Tuesday, April 16th, 2019
Having a discussion on the phone not heated but not in fun either about a trigger I had. He referred to the affair “when I dated”... I interrupted “dated” he said oh what’s the difference. I always felt he didn’t actually get what he did and this just adds to that. I said you need to refer to what you actually did, it’s an affair, a lie...apparently I overwhelmed him and he couldn’t find the right word and dating came out. So yes folks I guess I made him say it as he was overwhelmed. Zero ownership once again. Excuses once again. Phone call ended. How can I ever respect someone who takes no ownership or has any empathy? It’s getting so much easier to walk away.
DDay 12/2015
LTA 6 years
Married 23 years
pearlamici ( member #67631) posted at 2:09 AM on Tuesday, April 16th, 2019
The difference is dating is for single people ... If he'd like to continue "dating" then he needs to grow a pair and give you a heads up, so you can decide if you'd like to "date" too. (Likely after you tell him to hit the road). You dated before you married him, would he mind if you started dating now? He's minimizing what he did.
~Bad marriages don’t cause affairs. Affairs cause bad marriages.~
Notthevictem ( member #44389) posted at 3:37 AM on Tuesday, April 16th, 2019
BH
DDAY Mar 2014
Widowed 2022 - breast cancer
1Faith ( member #38975) posted at 6:45 AM on Tuesday, April 16th, 2019
Your brain and his brain are wired differently (no excuse).
You want accountability and he wants all of this to be 'over'.
Very normal BUT you don't have to settle for this. Don't allow him to sweep this under the rug.
Your feelings and hurt matter. Either he opens up or he doesn't. And if he doesn't then you get to choose to stay or walk away.
Don't stuff your feelings down at the sake of your sanity and self-confidence. You are worth more.
Sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for
CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 1:34 PM on Tuesday, April 16th, 2019
I actually use the same.term when talking about the time my wife spent with her AP because, let's face it, that's what she was doing. She was going on dates with the AP. She doesn't like it when I say it, but my question to her is generally, "Then why did you go on dates if you don't want them called dates?"
She used to refer to it as "my mistake with that guy". She now is very aware to call it her A. And yes, it does make the difference.
Your H is being a snowflake by not calling it his A. He needs to own it, to embrace the word, to recognize that he cannot change what he did by simply putting a "cute title" on it. You call it what you want, but he needs to own that word.
BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:08 PM on Tuesday, April 16th, 2019
My WS and MOW called each other boyfriend and girlfriend whilst being married 
I do refer to her as his 'relationship' he had while we were married. That's basically what it was. He spent 3 years with her 
fBS/fWS(me):51 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(21) DS(18)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorced 8/8/24
Svon ( member #65627) posted at 7:13 PM on Tuesday, April 16th, 2019
This is in no way a defense of him and only you know him, but I find my husband struggling to find the right words when speaking to me because he knows some words are triggers. It’s not even rational, but it’s true. I hate the word affair as it indicates a loving committed relationship in my eyes. I prefer the word “fucx friend” or “cheating” as it seems less intimate to me. I know it’s all in my head but we all do what we need to make our peace. Could it be that he isn’t sure what is going to hurt you less? My husband is very aware of what he did, but also aware that even language can be a trigger. I know cheating is cheating, but the words used for it can trigger me something fierce.
Ripped62 ( member #60667) posted at 9:21 PM on Tuesday, April 16th, 2019
My STBXW uses dating terminology to describe her adultery and wayward behavior. This is done because of cognitive dissonance. Individuals that have not resolved who and what they are as well as their wayward behavior behave in this fashion.
Hurtbeyondtime ( member #58376) posted at 9:29 PM on Tuesday, April 16th, 2019
Wow .... he actually said Dating..
😑 no... he’s not remorseful just sorry he got caught...
if you can D do it now before wasting more time on him.
I am sorry. What an arse!
ItIsWhatItIs99 ( new member #70296) posted at 5:56 PM on Wednesday, April 17th, 2019
My WW used the phrase "while we were together" referring to last AP. Makes me want to scream just typing it. Cheaters, man, they're a different breed.
I don't even like the word "mistake. " oh you mistakenly f***** 4 people while we were together, that last one for a year???
[This message edited by ItIsWhatItIs99 at 11:57 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]
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