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I found out recently my wife has been lying to me about a pornography addiction. To my face. Hundreds of times over the 3 and 1/2 years we’ve been married and a good six months since before we married. We both were open when we were dating that this is something she and I struggled with but that she had beaten it and it was supposedly no longer an issue. I caught her about six months before we got married in this lie (she hadn’t) and we agreed to work through it and try and beat this. Since then she has adamantly told me she had zero issues.

I am open that I struggle with pornography, I don’t like it. And from what she’s told me my porn addiction sounds worse than hers, in my personal thoughts. I’m not mad that she looks at Porn actually. I know what it’s like to have that struggle.

What I am is heartbroken that for the past three and a half years years my wife has lied to my face multiple times about it, and was able to keep it up until the other night she made a comment slip that contradicted it and I persisted enough to pull it from her. For two hours she trickle truthed me on how frequent or how much it was an issue before she finally told me how often she was viewing it, turns out it’s several times a month.. Which was a complete opposite account of what she told me an hour previously, that “Yeah I had it longer than I told you but it’s been a year.” My head was spinning.

Neither of us like that we have this problem, we are not the kind of people who approve of this habit or behavior but we are both in our mid-late twenties and grew up on the internet so we have been fairly immersed in it, more so than some of our predecessors I think. So I am empathetic and would not be upset if she had been honest with me. After all it’d be hypocritical right??

I feel disgusting when I give in, but I am open about it to my wife and would always choose sex with her before that. My wife however has not been open with me and that is what is breaking my heart. I have very high libido and would have sex as much and as often as she asks if she were wanting to, and she has a sex drive lower than I do and I usually initiate. I wonder if the dead bedroom we had in our marriage during the second year might have been influenced by her addiction. I looked through her phone. No tinder, no kik, no PoF, no bumble, not even downloaded ever from her Apple account and she’s had the same one since before we married. No strange texts from anyone. I haven’t gone through her email and I don’t know if I will.

I am so sad. I don’t know what is the truth anymore because of how hard she trickle truthed me. All I wanted was an honest answer. I’m just so hurt that my wife could lie to me like this while I almost grovel at her feet with remorse and try to make her feel better when she catches on that I’ve had an incident.

I was wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and how they went from there. Right now I don’t believe she is having an affair but the level of lying and the willingness to lie has me questioning everything. Maybe she had one at one point during the second year of our marriage. I don’t know. Any advice or help or thoughts from this wonderful community would be great.

[This message edited by ridingthetiger at 12:01 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

Also due to the nature of this issue I’m not sure whether this belongs in JFO or here in general, but if mods feel the need to change something I am happy to.

Tiger: You both seem to have the same issues with pornography and were aware of this prior to marriage. I would sit down with her and, gently, ask her to go to a counselor with you. You both have tried to resolve this issue on your own and have been unsuccessful, so I think it’s time to bring in some help. Look for one who specializes in addiction and marital counseling.

Regarding your wife lying to you, it may be because she doesn’t want to admit to herself, and to you, how deep this problem is for her. Sometimes people think that by ignoring it, the problem will go away or resolve itself, and we know that doesn’t happen. Perhaps she is ashamed of her behavior, or afraid of disappointing you. There are many potential reasons for her lying and that is precisely why a counselor is needed at this point, in my opinion.

Thank you for finding us. You are not alone.

Well there are issues in your marriage because lying and keeping things secret from each other are not good things and only make everybody feel bad while a marriage should make both people happy and feel good, also anything that hinders the marriage is not a good thing, but...watching porn in itself is not a crime is it?, and can even be a satisfying activity, so why is it a problem?, why do you not just allow each other to watch porn or even watch it together as an activity to enjoy together?

Tiger,

I have a question about what you’ve said: ...grovel at her feet with remorse and try to make her feel better when she catches on I’ve had an incident”

So, you lie til she catches on?

Not sure from this who is lying to who or both are lying til caught?

Please expand and explain.

It's not so much her porn use but the lying about it that has devastated you. I get that. Lying is the killer in a relationship. You also alluded to her having an affair:

Maybe she had one at one point during the second year of our marriage.

Why do you think this? You are very specific about the time. What happened then?

Very busy weekend with Mother’s Day and all, hope you all had a pleasant weekend, and thank you for your responses.

To clarify and give you some more background, I have not ever lied about this habit to my wife. My wife has largely acted supportive of me trying to quit, and done so from the position of pretending to be a recovered pornography addict. Since we began dating five years ago my wife maintained this facade of someone who recovered from a pornography addiction. I caught her once when we were engaged three and a half years ago while on her phone for something unrelated regarding wedding details.

I confronted her privately later that night when we were not around my family and asked her about it, and questioned if she had really quit. When this happened years ago she at first got very angry at me and then cried a lot and apologized and said she wanted to change and was going to quit.

Since then she has maintained that was her only slip up until she made a comment the other night that sounded contradictory and after much questioning and trickle truth and tears that it came out she was lying to me about it and using it regularly. I wasn’t angry. I didn’t explode or say ugly things, I just sat there shocked. I had suspicions since I originally found out that she was still looking at it but I had no proof and did not intend to violate her privacy.

It is the facade and the lying to my face directly so many times these past three and a half years that has shaken me. I want to make it clear that I do not resent my wife for her Porn addiction. I refuse to be a hypocrite in this regard. It could only damage our relationship more. I have never lied, or hid it from her and have been truthful when she has asked me. (Everyone in my family would tell you anyway I am a terrible liar, so why bother trying )

To the user asking why porn is an issue: my wife and I don’t exactly have agreeing viewpoints on WHY porn is bad from a moral standpoint, Hers is religious, mine is more that studies have shown porn can become a self destructive habit, and not based in reality. Though we do have overlap in some of that. We both want to focus our sexuality on each other and not on a computer screen.

As for the groveling comment. My wife has sent me mixed messages on this before, sometimes she acts supportive and understanding and has done the empathetic ‘talk’ that you would expect a former addict to go through. There have been instances however where she has been upset that I’ve had an issue and she had a lot of difficulty hiding it. During our second year of marriage she caught me one night. She and I both stared at each other in horror before she ran into the bedroom and locked the door. I slept (barely) on the couch that night. A lot of apologizing and crying happened on my part and my wife told me she wasn’t mad at me, though I still don’t entirely know if that’s the case.

As to suspicions of possible affairs: During our second year of marriage we had a bit of a dead bedroom. She would hardly talk to me. Every sexual encounter we had was initiated by me and it felt like my wife hated it and hated me. We fought often over trivial things, and she would leave to her Mom’s rather than talk through things. She would rather play on her phone or watch Netflix than talk to or be around me. I felt like I was a chore. My wife would leave all day when she could to go to her Mom’s or Sister’s close by. She guarded her phone pretty well and against my better judgement I did not look. But the rift and distance was palpable.

It was a completely different time than our first year of marriage and third year. We are now getting through our fourth year better than I thought we ever could up until this. We are happy, go on dates often, have our first home, have a sweet dog, have great jobs and make love frequently. I don’t want to lose that.

I feel myself going back to my main point with all of this. It’s not that she has had this addiction. I know what it’s like. I want to help her if anything. In a very real way I can empathize. It’s more of the fact that my wife could so perfectly pretend she wasn’t also struggling with this and lie to me so many times about it. Over and over, hundreds of conversations. Direct questioning, even. Any suspicion I had would be dismissed with her reassurance it was no longer an issue.

How can someone do that so perfectly? And what else is she hiding from me. I feel like I will never know. We have a counseling scheduled for next week.

[This message edited by ridingthetiger at 1:51 PM, May 13th (Monday)]