SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ive been married a lil over a year to my husband. I love him dearly and i know that he loves me back. This man treats me so good the best one man has ever in my life . He doesn't go out much , work and home. We actually work for same company ( thats how we met) he never has given me any reason not to trust him or maybe i haven't been paying attention. We are soom to close on a bigger house because his is too small for our family( i have one child and he has 3 from previous relationships. The kids are so excited , we are so excited. We been trying for a baby together, and im finally expecting after 6 months trying. We both are happy including the children. Found out im pregnant a week ago..

Now the issue is saw someone text an address to his phone so i googled it and wow its a hotel 😭 called the number female answer hears my phone hangs up.. so he is sleep during this . I google the number and its an escort. I couldn't keep it together i cried for hours. I confronted him and he says he doesn't know the number someome is playing on his phone. So like 3 months before a number texted him i ask who is this he says they had wrong number at that time i left it alone because i believed it was but part of me didnt so i took photo of message. I decided to google that number also and i find out its another escort similar looks to the other escort. So thats 2 escorts i dont know if he met up with these girls because everytime they contact him when we together. But im pretty certain these 2 arent the only ones. We have a very active sex life. He always wants to spend time with kids and i. Time is never unaccounted for i dont see when he is doing this but i just know he is. WHY CONTACT ESCORT IF YOU ARENT GOING TO USE THEIR SERVICES. HE DENYS IT ALL. He is responsible with money i could never imagine him doing this. We are cordial but sometimes i think about it and i just lash out and im tired of talking about if im not going to leave him it just bothers me alot. I dont wanna keave this man everything else is great , buying a new house and im pregnant.

I caught him texting another female also. He told me about her a year ago she worked at dmv and helped him with his license because he only has TPS and they give him hard time but i wasnt aware of him still communicating with her . They was she came at is LIKE WHY DID YOU STOP.TALKING TO ME FOR NO REASON and he responded i am.married i dont want my wife know im cheating and i guess she was mad . I contacted her and asked did they have intercourse she responded no (like she will tell the truth) . She then contacted my husband late night saying your wife contacted me you should stop cheating and he showed me then she sends messages seemingly like she is upset. Why is she so upset i know its its something he isn't telling me but im tired of asking. At first i felt ok because at least he is distancing himself from her because he cares for me but he shouldn't have intimate convo with her from the beginning.

My emotions are everywhere. I keep asking him about it and he has no explanation, he says im annoying him keep talking about. Im annoying myself also. I wanna move past it. I know that this man loves me . He knows it bothering me because i am a lil different towards him now . And he says he would never cheat but i dont believe....

I also left out i cheated in the very beginning but we weren't married yet but its still no excuse . But we moved past it . I thought.

We really have good relationship, we work well together as an unit .

I just don't know what to do. I need advice if anyone has been thru similar issues pertaining to escorts

Hi drobinson!

You came to the right place.

First off, so sorry you are dealing with this. Please read some of the things in the Healing Library. And take care of yourself by drinking water and eating when you can. You have a baby to worry about now, not just yourself, though I'm sure you're already thinking about that.

There is an entire thread in the I Can Relate forum regarding Emotionless Infidelity that you might find helpful, but first, let's discuss what you've posted here.

I was married to an undiagnosed sex addict for 2 years, we were together for close to 5 years before marriage. He was a compulsive masturbator, and while I found a few suspicious calls/texts with escorts over the years, he always explained them away as something else.

He had 2 daughters, my step daughters, who lived with us full time. He too had almost no time that was unaccounted for, when he wasn't at home, he was at work, when not at work he was home with us, and even if I wasn't home, I trusted that he was always home with his daughters. We were also trying at the time that I discovered his affair. Fortunately for me, I did not get pregnant, as I ended up finding out about his drug habits as well.

I tell you all of this to let you know that I have been through a very similar situation. I too thought he treated me better than anyone else did. I too desperately wanted a baby with him. I too thought there was no way he would betray me, nor would he have any time to. Our kids were excited about us trying for a kid. We were also all talking about buying a home.

But there are other similarities here. My XH also told me that he did not know how the numbers got in his phone. Is it possible that somebody hacked into his phone and planted an escort's phone number there? Sure, it's possible. But it's not plausible. After we separated, I discovered dozens of calls to different escorts. He had let his guard down and was less discrete because now that I was out of the house, he thought he could get away with whatever he wanted. He didn't realize I still had access to all of our phone bills. The point is, I was dubious regarding his contact with escorts as well. I believed his lies for many years. But I ultimately learned, when you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras.

Regarding not having time away from home to do something - people will make time for things that they deem a priority in their lives. He has already made time to text other women, as well as look up and contact escorts. I would not put it past him to make the time to meet up with them.

Gently, you have already caught him texting another woman before. His responses to her were that he did not want his wife to know that he is cheating. And regardless of if their relationship was ever physical, it WAS cheating.

Same with communication with escorts. That is cheating, even if he NEVER met up with them. Though in all likelihood, your gut instinct is correct - why contact an escort if you don't intend to follow through with a meet up? Especially given that one of these girls had texted him the address to a hotel. He can say all he wants that he didn't know the number and it somehow got into his phone, but escorts don't give up their locations unless they see a chance to close a transaction.

His attitude towards you says it all - he is annoyed that you keep bringing this up, because he does not want to deal with the consequences of his actions. He would rather you rugsweep everything and pretend like none of this ever happened. That is not what remorse looks like, not even a little bit.

My suggestions are the typical ones:

- Get yourself into counseling. Seek out someone who has experience with infidelity, who knows that infidelity is a trauma.

- Get yourself STD tested. Remember that when you go in, you are going to have to be very specific that you want a FULL panel - the typical ones like gonorrhea and herpes of course, but you need the full gamut including HIV and hepatitis. Tell them that you are dealing with infidelity and that you want to make sure you are 100% in the clear. I know it can be embarrassing, but they will understand. I brought my mom with me to my appointment, and it helped to have someone there who could advocate for me when my mind was a mess. You will want to get the full test not just for yourself, but for the baby as well. Certain STDs will determine whether you can give birth vaginally or not, and the more serious ones may require treatment while you are pregnant to help prevent the baby from contracting anything.

- insist that your husband is tested for STDs as well

- no sex with your husband until you have both been cleared. Any affair puts you at risk, but escorts have been around the block, and you are at much higher risk in this situation, especially given your pregnancy.

IF you feel you want this relationship to continue, that is your choice. But you are going to have to make some strong moves here. Make a list of the things you need to feel safe in your relationship again. Your husband's opinions on these things is irrelevant, this is all about what YOU need. Some of the things many people ask for below:

- complete transparency with all devices and social media. Meaning you have access to his phone, computer, ipad, apple watch, and all social media accounts at all times. Any time you want to see it, he hands it over immediately, no questions asked.

- full STD testing as mentioned above

- he writes out a complete timeline of any and all contact he has had with any other women (or men) that he had any inappropriate contact with, whether that be texting, online, phone conversations, meet ups, touching, kissing, oral, sex etc. Tell him if he can't remember the details, he'd better do the research to figure it out. He is perfectly capable of going through phone records to provide this information to you - you should not have to be the only one doing the digging

- a polygraph to confirm details of the timeline. Schedule it, and tell him if he decides not to go, then R is off the table. If he lies during the poly, R is also off the table. You will likely find that he will give you what is called a "parking lot confession." Right before the test, he will confess to things he had not previously discussed with you in a last ditch effort to make you believe that you have all of the info, so that he doesn't have to take the test. Even if he does this, make him take the polygraph anyway.

- he needs to get into therapy as well. This would involve him actually owning up to the behavior though, which he is currently not doing.

- absolutely no marriage counseling until much later down the line. MC is about how to save the marriage. He broke the marriage, and now it's time to decide whether or not a new one can be built. Only IC will help you each gain the clarity you need to figure out if that is possible.

If I were you, I would postpone buying a house right now. If this ends up in divorce, the last thing you need is a huge financial entanglement. This doesn't mean you can't buy a house later on down the line if things improve, but doing it now while you are still unsure of where your relationship is headed puts you in a bind.

Again, so sorry that you are here. Others will be along to give you more advice. Reach out here when you need it, we all know how terrible it is. You will survive this!

Would you treat someone you love like that? Cheating, lying, gaslighting? Is this how you acted after you got caught cheating? How did you both get past it?

Can you get out of the closing on the house?

This relationship does not sound healthy to me. You cheated while dating. He is cheating in the 1st year of marriage

If he's contacting escorts, you know 1/10th of 1% of what he's really doing. He is not going to confess the truth either. If you want to be safe, just assume that he has had sex with many of them and act accordingly.

Only you can decide what is best for you and your new baby on the way. You say this man has other children from other relationships--plural. He sounds like a player.

Doesn't mean he doesn't love you and the life he has with you. So maybe it's really a matter of how you feel about living with a man who contacts and might well be visiting other women. Some people find a way to make peace with that; some do not. No one here can tell you what is best for you and no one here should be judging your decision; but there are people here who will try to lend you support as you try to decide. You have been married just a short while; you both have had other relationships. Maybe this is now a time in your life to decide what is the best way for you to live your life.

I totally back up what DevastadedDee, HeHadADoubleLife and cocoplus5 nuts wrote. I also suggest STD testing as it is imperative for your health! I was embarrassed to ask my doctor but he ran a full panel after finding out my H cheated as he said that it is better to be safe than sorry. He treated me with kindness and respect and after the appointment, asked for a hug! Please get into counseling ASAP, you need that support. Also please hydrate with electrolyte water, eat as often as you can. Some of us don't eat or eat too much. You do need to eat or your body will break down, same with hydration. Read here in the healing library and post here often, whenever you are down or struggling. There are a lot of great people here. Take what you need and leave the rest. I would demand a polygraph as your husband is most likely lying as HeHadADoubleLife pointed out. If he is not lying he will jump on a polygraph. My husband had a very long term affair. After lying for a long time, he agreed to a polygraph immediately to show me he was not lying anymore. He passed. It is a totally reasonable request for what you have experienced. If he refuses, you will know that he is lying and you have to decide what you want going forward. No judgement, it is your choice. Please also schedule a physical immediately with your doctor and tell him or her what is going on. Often, early on, we can be in a bit of shock and not realize it. Also, this kind of trauma can cause health issues and your doctor is the best person to decide if you need follow ups. Last, huge hugs to you. The pain of infidelity is brutal, it takes you to your knees. So, another huge hug to you and please, keep posting here, this is a safe space.

I agree with seeing your doctor for a checkup and STD testing. My blood pressure skyrocketed after dday. I had to start taking BP meds. I'm off them now. BP back to my normal low.

Also, I was embarrassed about telling the doc what had happened and that I wanted STD testing. She was so kind and understanding. I cried, and she just listened.

He is not the best man ever and he is not treating you so

good. One escort texting could be an error, two is a habit. Never underestimate someone not having the time to cheat. When they want to do it, they will.

I’m sorry that you’re pregnant and dealing with this stress. It’s not healthy for you or the baby. However, I’m curious about the three children from last relationships. How many different mothers are there?

It seems to me this guy has some problems. I would run with my child and go to court when the baby is born for support and custody.

He shows me his phone whenever i ask but i dont wanna check his phone. Im becoming obsessed with trying to check on him and its drivining me crazy. He going cheat regardless if thats what he wants. I wanna leave but im not, mainky because of this pregnancy. His other 3 kids are from his ex wife, all have same mother. He has full custody she cheated and had a baby so he divorced her because the baby wasnt his. So the kids live with us and my daughter. My daughter father died when she was a baby so we have never had that father mother child environment. It just been my daughter and i. That's a big reason i wanna stay, i dont wanna raise another child with no dad and he is a WONDERFUL father to his other children. I think i can get thru this but its stressful. My moods keep changing every hour. First im sad then im ok i told my doctor everything. She tested me for everything my blood work came back everything this was negative , just waiting for the other results for vaginal infections. Im 5 weeks pregnant, progesterone is low so she has given me medicine.

My plan is to try not to worry or stress because my baby is more important than his infidelity.

So thats 2 escorts i dont know if he met up with these girls because everytime they contact him when we together.

An escort doesn't spend money on a hotel and text him the address for funsies. And even with a consistent schedule, he can find the time. Going a little early to work, lunch breaks, while you're asleep. Lots of cheaters find the time with out you even knowing about it.

He's giving you two options. You can rugsweep, pretend this didn't happen, and ignore it while he keeps getting sketchy texts and chatting up OW. You might get an STD. You might become infertile or risk your life from complications of an STD. It's happened to people here before and it could happen to you. He could leave you for one of these OW. He could knock one up and have to pay child support. And she will probably get more than you because it's a first come first serve basis even if your baby came first.

The second option is to tell him either comes clean and commits to therapy to fix this or you will leave him and find someone worthy of your love.

That's a big reason i wanna stay, i dont wanna raise another child with no dad and he is a WONDERFUL father to his other children.

If he's a wonderful full time father to his other kids, he will be a wonderful part time father to your baby. The options aren't stay and slowly go crazy while he keeps cheating or your baby doesn't have a dad. She has one. He will be there for her even if you aren't together. And if he won't be, what's better for her? A happy, healthy mom or two miserable parents where dad cheats?

I don't cry anymore, im just so angry. Looking at him makes me angry. Him speaking makes me angry. He calls more to check in , sends his location. I dont ask him because i dont even care what he is doing. In my mind he is just a cheater. He can tell im angry about this , im acting like a different person. i dont give him attention or love like i used to. I stay away from him because when i see him ill get angry and i dont wanna be angry with him , i dont wanna be angry at all. But i cannot control my feelings .. Thank you for all the advice everyone. Ill see what happens after the birth of baby. I feel like giving up on this marriage. This just makes me question our marriage. ive never had this problem with this man . He just hid it well and i didnt pay attention

I wish I didn't understand what you're saying, but I do. Finding out that my WH was doing this broke something profound in me, the marriage, and how I saw him. He became a very small person in my eyes. I never believed him again about anything. There was absolutely zero chance of regaining any kind of marriage worth my time afterwards. I knew it from the moment I found out, though I didn't leave immediately. I waited while I was in shock, did the 6 months thing, decided to watch him a little longer and see if my kids could get through the school year without disruption, and thanked my lucky stars when he relapsed on drugs and made the decision for me. My WH decided to have sex with prostitutes for 10 months (or hell, years for all I actually know) before doing drugs with them and reigniting a habit from his youth. Thus followed rehab, DDay, then a drug relapse 8 months later.

That I was HAPPY to kick him out and be done said something. He had been Mr. Perfect, suddenly all spiritual, thought he was doing some real recovery work and here's what upset me...the more healthy he seemed to get, the more I despaired. When he crashed down, I could stop pretending to myself that this was anything but over.

In all seriousness, you don't know anything about what he's been doing. My WH held a full-time job, paid his bills, was home before I was, didn't go out with friends without me, and somehow managed to be fucking escorts for at least a year. I had no suspicions. Even when I thought I knew pretty much everything, I found out after I left him that he had tried earlier in the marriage to hook up with his close friend's young adult daughter. I will never know the extent of his cheating. I will never believe it even if he told me every incident. I cannot stress enough how good someone like this is at covering up their behavior and lying to you with such sincerity in their eyes.

Your instincts are screaming at you, and they're right. Men who do this are a special kind of cheater. The problems they have are far deeper than the average moron who risks his marriage for strange with a coworker. There is a well of dysfunction in your husband that you can't possibly have guessed, no matter how smart and observant you are.

You don't fix this kind of stuff. You escape it.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 9:15 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

If you stay til baby is born, do NOT have sex with your WH. You would not only be risking your health, but also the health and life of your unborn baby. Protect the baby and yourself. And, be totally honest with your WH about why you won't have sex with him. He probably hasn't even considered that he is risking the life of his unborn baby.