SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am only 6 weeks out from DDay. I am having a really hard time finding a way to move forward with us. I have begun working on myself, have been since before i found out about the affair(s). That being said I have been spinning my wheels waiting for the truth and honesty which I still feel I am lacking. He said he cheated because he wasn't getting sex at home, which I admit that we weren't because I didn't feel the love from him, that he would be there for me, to protect me emotionally. I know ONS happen, hell I had a couple in my youth, but I can not have sex with a man who actively chooses to make me feel like little more than a maid, baby sitter, chef, and fuck buddy. So I retreated and stopped. When I found out I said I only needed a few things from him to even think of moving forward otherwise its over. I needed him to end it right then and there (Jan 26). He actually seemed upset or stressed because I wanted him to do it there in front of me while on speaker. He did do it but she did not answer and he left a message that sounded like a kicked puppy and wasn't very straight forward. In fact AP texted back and asked if he was ok. His response, can I just call her and end it while I am driving back to school, he is in his last semester at a college over an hour away from our home. I was floored. I told him there was no need to speak to her again, send a text and block. I then said I needed access to everything, full access. A week later I was still riding his butt about getting me the login info to our cell phone account the only bill I didn't already have. With that I was able to see their text conversation. Where he spent a great deal of time bashing me as a homemaker, wife, sexual partner and the most hurtful as a mother. The man who is never here, who has never helped plan a birthday party or Christmas, who rarely ever helps when a kid is sick or go to doctors appt, the man who spent Christmas day ignoring his family to run errands at every step and talk with her, was telling her that I am a bad mother to my boys. I was hurt beyond words and that broke me, to the point where I could not control my emotions and cried hard while trying to get the boys ready for school. Even then I tried to protect them and him, by saying someone said something mean to mommy and it hurt her feelings really bad but she will be ok. That night our oldest told me when WS got home for the weekend that I should tell daddy about what the person said so he could talk to them since its not nice to say mean things. I had to walk away and the look on WS face was one of embarrassment not one of remorse. In fact I haven't actually felt the remorse from him. I still haven't been given access to any accounts and the few that I was given after basically saying now or I find a way to get in myself, he has once again changed the passwords "because he is paranoid that his accounts have been hacked" why, because he linked the boys google account to his and then set it up so that when someone logged into any of his accounts he gets notified so everytime I logged them in he got notified but it didn't specify which account. We have 2 bank accounts one of which I do not have access to but I know its there. I asked last night for access to the account online. He said he didn't want that because he doesn't want to have to worry about what I am spending and whats coming in and out of our everyday account. But he will show me bank statements to ease my fears. I found his hidden reddit account in which he posted about wanting to meet up with people for sex, one of the posts was a day after my birthday. This is a running theme with him, online dating apps on my birthday. He was making posts and worse he was posting pics, yall there are naked pics of him all up in the internet and he is paranoid about giving me access to his accounts for fear of what hacking or me "spying". Am I right to believe he is really committed to making it work? That I am a fool for playing this reconciliation game. Or does it take longer for some WS to get with program and self growth. I need help figuring out which path I should take for myself and my kids. I can not keep going through this.

[This message edited by penguinsays at 8:16 AM, March 5th (Thursday)]

Why are you sure that you should move forward with 'us'?

Is your WW remorseful?

I am not really sure what direction I should take. I have talked with a therapist and with a lawyer. I have looked at and began to make plans for both paths. he only talks about OUR future but is not taking the steps I need him to show me that he really wants it. But my self growth has taught me that I can not just rugsweep this.

Actions speak louder than words. It seems that he says just enough to keep you around.

You deserve more than this. I think you need to put some emotional distance between you and your wh so that you can have some clarity. Please read up on the 180. Don't be his maid or chef any longer.

He is not the prize; you are. He should be throwing himself on broken glass to figure out what you need to continue on in this relationships.

[This message edited by BigMammaJamma at 9:43 AM, March 5th (Thursday)]

penguinsays

I am not really sure what direction I should take. I have talked with a therapist and with a lawyer. I have looked at and began to make plans for both paths.

Good, keep your options open. You don't have to settle on a decision just yet.

he only talks about OUR future but is not taking the steps I need him to show me that he really wants it. But my self growth has taught me that I can not just rugsweep this.

He's just feeding you lines. Talk without action is worse than useless - it's insulting. My WS talks all day long but does nothing. I got sick of the bullshit.

I'm sorry I'm actually not seeing that your WH is doing anything to indicate he wants to reconcile. I'd implement the 180 and head straight for separation, honestly I can't even see regret. It wouldn't surprise me if the affair is continuing just underground. I'm so sorry.

That is actually one of my fears and he isn't helping me find the comfort that he is sorry and that he wants to be here. There are times in which he is full on in the moment and so engaged in the family and seems like he wants to make it work but still the fears are not being helped.

IMO, one of the first things you need to do is decide whether you want D or R. That can take many months. I urge you to take the time you need.

If R is a possibility, you also have to answer the question, 'Is my WH a good enough candidate for R for me to take the risk?' While you're making your decision between D & R, observe your H's behavior to answer that question. Right now you're getting answers....

At this point, your H doesn't seem to be a good candidate for R. That may change. The thing to remember is that R takes work by both of you. You have to process your feelings. He has to change from betrayer to good partner - frankly, IMO, he has more work, and more difficult work, than you have.

But if he doesn't do his work, R(econciliation) is impossible.

You don't sound confused and torn, BTW. Figuring out what you need, talking to a lawyer, considering both paths - those are signs of a person who is handling the practical side of things well.

The emotional side is more difficult. I know the pain is excruciating - I also know that we human beings can absorb the pain and process it out of our bodies.

You mention a therapist. Is that for you? A note, if it's an MC (marriage counselor), your M didn't fail - your H did. He probably will need the help of a good therapist to change from cheater to good partner. You might want a therapist to help you process your anger, grief, fear, and shame.

BUT MC works this early if your MC focuses on the A to help you with your feelings and to get your H to take responsibility for the devastation he's brought into the lives of you, your boys, and himself.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:54 AM, March 5th (Thursday)]

Cannot post much now but HELLLLLLLLLLLLL NO.

You are not at fault AT ALL for his shitty choices, There are many other ways he could deal with his marital or personal problems without cheating.

He is NOT remorseful...and he is a serial cheater. They do not have a good track record of being able to stay monogamous. You need to take your power back. It is said here that you need to be willing to lose your marriage to save it, although this asshole cannot see past his own selfishness to begin to help you heal so it is questionable whether reconciliation is going to be an option for you. In order for a cheater to get the gift of reconciliation, they need to be remorseful. He is obviously not. See an attorney so you know your rights. Inform your POS WH that you get access to all bank accounts now or you will file and then he will not have a choice. You do not have to go through the divorce, but your WH will see that you are not going to put up with his shit. If he is spending money on cheating, that can be considered as expending marital resources and he will need to return the funds to the pot if you divorce.

This is the VERY LEAST he should be doing to get the opportunity to stay married to you.

1. Access to all bank and social media and electronic accounts today so you have access to them whenever you want.

2. GPS enabled on his phone.

3. No Contact. Period.

4. STD testing for both of you.

5. POS sits down, takes responsibility like a man and explains to your kids that HE is the problem (in an age appropriate way).

6. EXPOSE his cheating ass to your friends, family and to the OW's family. Do not tell him when you are exposing her so he does not warn her. This is important. The more eyes on the affair, the better.

7. Detach - 180 - Look it up in the healing library. This will help you deal with the emotional roller coaster you will be on for up to 5 years, thanks to him. STOP all laundry, cooking etc, that you do for him. He does not deserve it.

8. Keylogger on the computer so you can see what he is doing.

9. Polygraph so you know the truth.

10. VAR hidden in the car so you can hear his conversations remotely.

11. IC for him, consistently and in the long term.

You need to be ready to take a stand and get out of infidelity. You do not deserve to live with a liar, cheater and abuser. Infidelity is a trauma. It is also abuse.

The therapy is for me at the moment, I have been going for myself for a while, even before I found out. We did a couple of MC appts but the therapist wasn't a good fit for either of us. It's up to him to set up the next appt with the therapist I originally wanted.

I am going to demand that I have access to everything. Full stop no moving forward with anything until I have it. I did already get a little access to stuff and printed, emailed and sent copies to people I trust to hold for me so I have copies of the proof. My friends and family know and are honestly the most supportive people. And I have people on both sides of the camp the R and the D. And my best friend is firmly in the what do you need and let's do it.

I already have had the STI test and it came back clear. She did say to come back in 6 months since she (my doctor) knows why I was getting the test in the first place. My kids are 8 and just turned 6 they know that daddy hurt mommy really bad and that he hasn't treated them the best. He told them I didn't even begin to open that door yet as emotionally I wasnt ready to handle their big emotions and mine. But he did talk to them about.

Getting full access to the bank account is important. If you file, I believe he’ll have to give you that information. My ex hid a shit ton of money from me and purchased homes for two of his affair partners out of an account he refused to give me access to. Discovery for the financial stuff was a new nightmare for me, and I wish I’d filed sooner because he wouldn’t have been able to purchase the second home for his skank if I had filed just a week sooner.

The fact that your husband isn’t giving you access to everything is a giant red flag and could potentially hurt any settlement for you and your kids.

Do you have an account of your own? Ask your attorney what you should be doing while all of this is happening to protect yourself Financially.

Planning for the worst is something we should all do, so that we do not end up in this situation.

Is his name only on the account that he is not giving you access to? If it is, find out what needs to happen to change that.

Iff your name is on it, set up your own access. You do not need his permission to do that.

I believe it is just his name on this one. I know about the account. It is a newish account. I do have my own account that my family is funneling money into as I am currently a student/ SAHM. Don't worry that part is changing soon and I am looking for a job that works with my kids schedule as I am pretty much alone in this area. Mentally and emotionally I am cold. I have hit the ice cold anger that comes with little to no emotions (no crying, yelling, or fighting). I am just in the take the steps to take care of myself and the kids no matter which path I take.

I just wish I knew what he is thinking so I can plan on how messy this is going to get.

He is not R material. He is hiding things and could possibly be still talking to the OW. Do you have access to the google account since your kids are connected to it? Google can tell you a lot. I see everything my husband does in his phone. Location, internet searches, installation of any apps.

You are his wife and joint accounts are your property too. You need to protect yourself. I’d read up on 180 to give yourself strength and take your power back.

Has he gone for STD check? It was the second demand I made on Dday. Is the OW married? You may want to reach out to her spouse. Easy ways to find him.

To my knowledge he has not gone and gotten a STI test. Though he has had many checkups and has an appt for a CT scan this friday. I have started reading up on 180.

She is not married and I wanted to go straight scorched earth and send a burn letter to her dispelling everything he said to her, but i held back because it would do 0 good other than make me feel better. I am planning for this to end if he gets his head out of his ass awesome but if not his loss.

I did tell him during our last talk that I am not treating us as a married couple, but dating. He has 6 months to prove willing to take the steps and we will reevaluate our relationship and re-adjust what've need at that point. Then again 6 months after that.

I am in a tricky position as we are not living together as he is away finishing school which he graduates on May. So I can't do anything (legally) until then and once he finally starts his job (already committed and interned there during the summer). So at this point it is more beneficial for me to work on me and R but plan for the single life.

So this guy doesn’t live with you and you don’t have access to the bank account? What if there is an emergency? That is extremely self-centered, but not too surprising based on your posts about his behavior.

Have you thought about marriage counseling or IC at least? I went through 2 horrible marriages where both husbands were cheating. The first one told me during the marriage and the second one I didn't find out until the very end of that marriage.

I have seen an Individual counselor to help me through the pain that was dumped on me by these men and how to rid myself of the baggage that it caused. I have problems trusting. I always wait for the other shoe to drop.

I wanted to go straight scorched earth and send a burn letter to her dispelling everything he said to her, but i held back because it would do 0 good other than make me feel better.

Glad you didn't. It wouldn't have made you feel better, and it would have given her all sorts of ammo to make you feel worse. Because as justified as you are to send her a mean letter, it mostly would have just served to make you look "crazy" and probably would have just gotten her off. No need to reach out to her.

He has 6 months to prove willing to take the steps and we will reevaluate our relationship and re-adjust what've need at that point.

Does he get to do whatever he wants for the next 6 months? Keep passwords from you, probably still be in contact with AP, and you'll just watch what he does for 6 months? Or are there things he could do (or not do) that would cause you to file the divorce papers before the 6 months are up?

I'm seriously asking. Is there anything he could do or not do that would make you immediately start moving in a direction away from him? Or are you giving him time?

NC and full access are essential for anyone even contemplating R.

There's no malice meant by the following question, but what are you trying to save here?

Hi there,

I am so sorry to hear about what is going on in your life. It really breaks my heart that you are all going through this.

I went through something similar, and because of my brokenness and loss of trust, it took me a long time to recover. My husband did not want to attend marriage counseling, he was set on his new life. We ended up not being together, but that wasn’t what I wanted in my heart. I wish that we would have been given an opportunity to get the help we needed in order to repair our marriage.

I hope that you take the time to focus on repairing your own heart. I found that really leaning into my relationship with the Lord was a true refuge.

I also forgave my husband and asked his forgiveness of me for what I did to cause our relationship to crumble. I didn't want to carry bitterness in my heart and didn't want him to carry it either. I never heard back from him, but that was okay because it was more about me being better and not bitter.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you, and your family, as you continue to move forward.