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We are currently separated, but without any of the legal aspects to that othger than living apart and I have given her an exclusive use of the marital domicile agreement, and we are headed to divorce - I have ruined all chance at R. At this point we have not gotten a formal separation agreement because of me - I have not communicated well, have been obstinate and argumentative and have not wanted this and fought it. Doing so has hurt BW irreparably, and made everything so much worse for her and the kids. I am asking please for advice on how to proceed so that divorce can happen.

Like most people, affording a 5 figure lawyer bill for the both of us is not something I can do without extreme financial hardship, and I as the cheating liar and abusive spouse do not want to go to court and have everything laid bare.

questions #1: is this wrong? am I avoiding and running from the consequence I have sewn by not wanting to go to court and asking for a separation agreement to divorce route? Is this denying her her voice and justice?

The term "generous" is probably subjective, and that being said I am prepared to make as generous of a divorce as I possibly can for her. I am at fault and do not want to fight anything anymore, and will not fight in court. The goal is to give her all I can and stop imposing myself on her because it is me that is keeping her from healing.

questions #2 can you help me define what a generous divorce is and what I should be offering to make this as right as possible by her? What is right and realistic?

There have been many fragments of discussions about separation agreements, custody, visitation, finances, personal property, but never anything that gets the conversation completed and ready to put pen to paper. I feel like we can do this, but our communication is so bad right now that every conversation that starts with the possibility of productivity ends in fighting and emotion.

is no contact, lawyers and mediation the only way forward? or does anyone have similar experience and ideas for how to maybe bring us both to the table to work this out civilly so that it can be done sooner and less expensive? I even said I would rather pay her the money directly in a divorce settlement instead of give it to lawyers.

I appreciate anyone's' feedback and advice on this, and my big boy pants are on and can take the harsh criticism and directness if that is the delivery.

The end state here is to let go and stop being a controlling, abusive dick that is keeping her from starting anew and hopefully healing and finding peace.

Thank you.

Get a consult with a few lawyers. Some will tell you up front what sort of asset split you can expect based on your situation and what's typical in your county. Even if you don't hire any of them, it'll give you a realistic baseline to work from. It probably won't make you happy if you're the higher earner, so it's good to hear it from them first and take a little time to process before you put anything on paper (and potentially embarrass yourself and piss off your wife like my WH did).

If you and your wife are separated, you could suggest she file a complaint for temporary support. I assume you're already supporting her financially, but suggesting having it on paper is a good faith effort IMO. It's a simple calculation done at an office appointment here. No lawyers. Of course that will have you on the hook, so if you're planning to change your mind and bail, this is terrible advice for you. I did it though, and it took a huge mental and emotional weight off.

I (BW) am doing collaborative divorce (with lawyers negotiating) and don't want to go to court, even though WH is demonstrably trying to screw me over. Court is expensive and is a risk for both of you. Once you give decision making authority up to the judge, you BOTH lose a lot of control of the outcome. I've also heard many many times that family courts are not anything like criminal court on TV. She doesn't get time to lay out all her grievances and have a cathartic victory. It's fast and based on the facts of both of your situations. If you want to make amends, work it out with a therapist. It's waaaay cheaper and they care a lot more about both of your feelings than a court would.

It's great to hear that you want to do right by your wife in what might be the only way you're able at this point. Please don't beat yourself up though. That doesn't help anybody. Get into IC and focus on concrete steps to help her, and then what you need to heal you.

ETA I expect to get a final 60/40 or 65/35 split of assets depending on how much WH makes my life difficult re other financial issues, namely the house and pension. Currently tending toward the latter split based on the aforementioned embarrassing offer. I would have initially taken the 60/40 and been fine with it. Drop your sense of entitlement about any particular thing. She will not be amused.

[This message edited by CallingSpades at 8:52 PM, September 6th, 2020 (Sunday)]