I wasn't a great husband. I had horrible marriage role models as a kid and I carried over what i saw into my marriage. I wasn't physically abusive but i was mentally and emotionally abusive. I ignored my wife for years. I loved her with all my heart but I didn't know how to show it. I battle with depression and low self esteem and it affected my marriage terribly. I felt I wasn't good enough for my wife so I shut down and couldn't express any emotions to her. We were together for 10.5 years and things were great in the beginning but the last 7 years or so things have been progressively getting worse. I would tell her I loved her everyday and I assured her that she wasn't the problem and I was very unhappy with myself but she got tired of it. I wouldn't communicate with her, never gave her any compliments, never held her hand, never snuggled in bed, barely helped with house work,etc. She felt very unloved, unwanted, unappreciated, etc. She felt like she was just there. She went numb. She begged me for years to get help, get counseling, see a dr, get therapy, get marriage counseling, etc and I ignored all of it. She begged for more attention and more help and just wanted me to be better but I couldn't do it. The last straw for her was us moving. I convinced her to apply for jobs in another state which we loved, she applied, got interviews, got job offers and I told her to do what made her happy so she accepted a job. She was thrilled. It was gonna be a new start for us in an area we love. My wife listed our house for sale, found a new apartment near her new job, packed up our house, scheduled a moving company, etc and 10 days before we were supposed to leave I cancelled everything because I was scared. My wife gave up right then. She ended things. She couldn't do it anymore. She was done. A few days later she seemed to come around and I thought things were improving but she actually stopped caring. The marriage was over for her. What I thought was her accepting not moving was her just not caring anymore. She seemed happy but she wasn't. She was making plans with me, bday trip ideas, etc so I thought she was coming around but she actually was so depressed that she was planning suicide and was trying to make me think she was better. A few weeks later she went out for the night with her friends, or I thought. She actually went out by herself and got a hotel room with the intention of killing herself. She reached out to a friend of hers, a guy she knew for 26 years because she wanted somebody to tell her friends and family what happened. He told her not to do it and to wait where she was. He talked her out of it by saying very nice things about her. He said she's beautiful, her life is worth living, she has so much to live for, she's a good person,etc. He treated her the way I wasn't treating her and she was so overcome with emotions that one thing led to another and they slept together. I found out a few weeks later from her text messages. She text her friend what happened and told her friend that as soon as it was over she cried and left because it was such a mistake. After she came home the next day I knew something was wrong and I actually started opening up to her about me, my feelings, what I've been through in life, why I am the way I am, etc and she understood everything but the damage was already done, she was still done with me and she had already cheated(i hadn't found out yet). Our relationship improved drastically, we started communicating, sex life got better, we were happier but she cheated on me. She didn't cheat on me to punish me, she wasn't looking for revenge or anything. She got caught up in the moment and the guy said all the right things that I wasn't saying and she wanted to feel loved and wanted so it happened and now she's even more depressed and feels worthless. I love my wife and she loves me. I know I pushed her away for years with my actions, she begged me for years to get help and I ignored her, I pushed her to her breaking point and she broke. I understand her actions but I don't know how or if I can get past it. My wife was with another man. I know she's sorry, I know she's hurting more than me, I know she regrets it, I know she feels horrible about herself but its a hard pill for me to swallow. I know it never would of happened if I was doing what I should of been doing but I wasn't so she found attention somewhere else and it made her feel worse. Being with him brought us closer together, we talk now, she realizes how much she loves me and wants us to work,things improved but I can't shake my anger and resentment towards her. Our marriage was over, it was headed towards divorce or death. She ended things with me before anything happened. Were we separated? Is what she did cheating since she ended things weeks before? I want to try to make things work but theres so much anger and resentment. I don't know what to do. My wife is genuinely sorry and regretful. She made a huge mistake and is suffering from it. She cries everyday, she has suicidal thoughts, i hear her praying that she won't wake up. She admits its the worst mistake she ever made and she'll never forgive herself. She hates herself and what it did to me, her, and us. I hate seeing her upset but I also can't stop throwing my insults and rude comments at her because I'm so upset. I make her feel worse. She's suffering terribly and I make her worse. We're both in therapy and trying to work on ourselves but we don't know how to fix us. Our marriage was done, we were headed towards divorce, could this of been the situation that saved our marriage and made us realize that we love each other or can this not be fixed? I learned how to communicate and express my feelings, my wife learned that I do love her, we're actually working on ourselves now. Was this a blessing in disguise? Did we need this? Could this of saved our marriage? We're both still very upset about everything and somedays I can't even look at her because all i see is her with another man and it makes me ill. I've lost 20 lbs from stress. I talk to her and she just cries because she feels so bad about herself. We're both struggling horribly. Does this pain ever pass? Can this marriage still work? She insists that I need to go see other people so I can see if I'm happier with her or someone else but I don't want to do what she did to me. 2 wrongs don't make a right but i also don't know if this is gonna work with us. I know my neglect of her needs for 7 years caused her to feel worthless and unloved, should I accept that I played a big part in what happened and just move on? Can my marriage be saved? Is it worth it? Please help. I don't want to start over at 40.
