Wow my head has been spinning lately and I’ve come to a point where I know what I want, our therapist asked me what I want about 5 weeks ago and I said I want a ‘real man’ she asked what that meant and I didn’t know.
Our whole M my H has split himself into pieces in order to please everyone and be liked, his parents, family, friends, and work, whenever I confronted this behaviour or I asked for my needs to be met I was always dismissed and after so many years I just learned to get on with it, it’s how he is. When you see your H change in to something they’re not or pretend to be someone they’re not in order to fit in or be accepted or avoid conflict it makes you feel unsafe although I never quite actually knew I felt unsafe until now.
Throughout our M at times would feel so connected to my H and be completely content to then feel him withdraw and be emotionally abandoned, I believe his secrets and cheating wouldn’t allow him to fully connect with me either as he felt guilty.
I’ve been emotionally starved for 25 years and put up with it because I saw glimpses of the ‘real man’ and thought one day he’ll wake up, one day he’ll realise. I thought if I could just spoil him more, do more for him, take more responsibility off him or do whatever I could to make his life less stressful he’d notice what he had, he’d notice me.
My H is my first relationship, before H I had some ONS and a long distance kind of friendship and we slept together a few times and then I met H, first boyfriend, first relationship that included any emotional bond, he proposed after 3 months and we were inseparable.
I think that I value emotional connection much much more than sex, IMO sex is easily accessible and it’s just sex (obviously different when emotionally connected) I know from experience that there can be no emotion tied to it, but emotional connection to me is much more, and as it is something that has never been freely available to me then I’m sure this is why the ‘feelings’ loop or my H’s cheating absolutely rips my soul from its core and decimates me.
This ‘feelings’ loop for me is the one I run from as fast as I can, attraction, desire, excitement, happiness, attention, all things that are painful for me to accept. Try I do but I can’t seem to close this loop, I don’t know what to do?.
I understand my H wanted to be wanted, I understand he likes to be liked and I understand that the majority of people enjoy being sexually aroused. I don’t understand if you feel all the above feelings for someone else then why would you not leave your spouse. It’s hard to get my brain around.
I guess I’m saying that the vast majority of my M has been bull shit!, too much for me to try and put right in my head. My only option is to start again. I’m all in for this but like I said I figured out what I want, I said I wanted a real man but what I was trying to say is, I want THE real man and I’ve reached a point where I’m not going to accept anything less.
My H changed almost 4 years ago but he really changed 10 or so months ago, he really has changed and sometimes I get really sad that I’ve never been given this version of him, the real him. It really is incredible to watch someone who has dismissed your feelings and emotions for over 20 years to then go to being the complete opposite. It’s like watching a different person in his body, we can talk and have a joke about things that we never have before, he’s almost childlike, free, liberated, even his laugh is different.
Bruce has decided that she doesn’t want to see the guy she used to be married to anymore, she never wants to see him ever again, he doesn’t deserve her, he never did.
If he dares to show up in her life again it’s over, full stop.
No mask wearing, no running around trying to please people who wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire, no acting like a circus clown and no putting anything or anyone in boxes.
It’s real, authentic or it’s goodbye.
That’s what I want. The real man.
