SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay was 6 days ago so everything is very fresh. My BS and I are HB at the moment. Right now we just hug and kiss and tell each other we love one another and how we will get through this. I want to believe but it’s so hard. I’m traumatized by my own actions. He wants to have sex but I just can’t allow myself. I don’t deserve it and I’m incredibly depressed at this moment. I have IC on Nov 14th and I’m desperate to see this counselor already. I’m so disgusted and remorseful that I just don’t know if I will ever separate danger with sex.

I do not have anything specifically useful to add to this topic as my situation is very different and I think it might be better addressed by a WW, but want to say that I have found chatgpt to be very helpful in between / before IC. It is surprisingly insightful. I have a very long chat going on a few topics. Take responses with some critical thinking of your own as it can be a bit biased towards positive responses (especially chatgpt-4), but have talked with others who think it helps. Thoughts are with you.

Not exactly what you are saying for me.

For me, I struggled with my mind being able to focus on anything. And inner turmoil affects my libido. I didn’t feel like I didn’t deserve it, I moreso felt like it was needed for bonding and he needed to see that I desired him. But yes sex was hard because I worried he would be imagining me doing this with someone else, or I would have humiliating intrusive thoughts that were similar.

Sex is a binding activity, and while you may be caught up in feelings of not deserving it - it’s easier sometimes to think that your spouse deserves the comfort.

I am not saying you owe him sex or that you should do it against your will, or out of guilt or as a way to keep him happy.

I just mean that while you are thinking you don’t deserve it, after reading here for the last years he is likely thinking you don’t want him. If it helps you to know thats where he is at maybe you won’t feel as bad about receiving pleasure and comfort.

Have you talked to him about it?

I would just add to hikingout suggesting you talk with him. I think you are likely feeling deep shame (with which I can identify very much) and that may prevent you from feeling like you are worthy of any intimacy with your husband. I think communication is key so your husband does not feel like this is something else and/or feels rejected. Not sure how old you are, but I know my wife and I did not communicate about sex very well until we were in our late 30s so those conversations can be hard. Much of that was due to my childhood sexual trauma and it impacted our intimacy for many years.

You have not given much history / background so not sure if any of that is applicable. Totally understandable as I have not posted some of my trauma as it is still hard to process at times. This is where a trauma informed IC can really help, but would also give chatgpt a try and see if anything useful comes of that.

One thing I am realizing myself is that the trauma for both spouses really messes with us mentally and physically. I am still fighting pretty wicked insomnia, have anxiety when I used to have none, have difficulty feeling interested or enjoy things I used to, etc. My therapist gave me some things to help cope when I was in the middle of the shittiest times and encouraged me to do some exercise (one of the last things I thought would help). I have found daily walks with my wife to be very helpful. I am also off pot for the first time in 6-7 years so my brain is rewiring and getting natural dopamine from various activities helps with both that and getting me through my anxiety / depression.

I would be over communicative (very hard for me, but has been lifted a lot of the shame and weight I have been carrying for years). I was so afraid to tell my wife some of the baggage I brought into the marriage, but knew we could not heal until I was totally transparent. Some of the things were very hard to talk about even though they happened decades ago. Things I had never spoken about to anyone. I am far from an expert, but firmly believe radically honesty has been a big part of my wife being able to start healing.

Give yourself grace. I know you may not feel like you deserve it as I know that I really bristled when my therapist would tell me that. You are experiencing a very traumatic experience and navigating that is super hard (by far the hardest thing I have done in my 50 years).