SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like the title says, I'm kind of confused how to feel about this situation and comment stated by my wife. And I doubt it will be one of the last times I'll feel like it or be put in a situation like this.

Long story short, about a week ago, my mom was rushed to the hospital, and she was admitted to the ICU that same night. During that time, my dad made comments about once she was situated, he would go home and rest and come back the next morning. For context, my parents were born in the 1940's and their relationship dynamic is entirely different than my generation. And also, I can say for a fact, they don't like each other.

Anyway, when I had found out she was rushed to the hospital. I was having conflicting feelings about going, because I was on very low to no contact with her, because of very toxic and abusive things she's done or said to me for decades. Some of those things definitely were said towards my wife and I know it did affect our relationship in some way or another. Anyway, my wife helped me process those feelings and helped me make the decision.

My wife offered to go with me, even though she doesn't like my mother for the things she's done and said towards me and her. We got there and waited till my mother was being moved from the ER to an ICU room. And during that time my dad did make comments about going home once she was situated. This is where I became confused by what my wife said to me after we left regarding that comment.

She stated that she could not understand how my dad was quick to wanting to go home. She made the comment that if I was admitted to the hospital, while she does not like being in the hospital, she would remain by my side and sleep there every night. I just blankly looked at her and said, "oh really?" and she said yes.

I didn't say anything, but the thoughts definitely came into my mind. Like how you are going to basically say you won't leave from my side, yet only two years ago, you did just. In a manner that destroy so much more than one could ever imagine. I wasn't made or happy with the comment or the hypocrisy of it, but just plain confused on the logic. And I doubt it will be the only time. I would like to say, we are definitely doing better now with better communication and other things, but to me it's still odd.

If you don’t believe people can change, then go and divorce your wife.
Her actions and words NOW might display who she is NOW. If there had been no personal growth in her since the end of the affair, then her comments now would be two-faced. But if there has been growth…

Having said that: With age there might be more practicality. I have had close family members in ICU. Including a multi-month period with my youngest on NICU. One of the first things we have done is a schedule for being there (of course, once stabilized) because we realize that having exhausted family members doesn’t help with any healing.

I can promise you one thing: By being there – and if this is the end for your mom – you will never feel regret. You might feel like time wasted, or some unclear emotions about closure. But NOT going… that can leave you with regret.

I think I get it. When we were 4+ years out, I received a call saying that my mom was possibly on her last legs, after falling and spending 18 hours in agony on the floor. W & I packed and drove 1000 miles. W was very, very helpful while my mom was in hospital and afterwards, while my mom was giving up her independent life and moving to assisted living.

I remember having 2 sets of thought patterns. On one hand, I thought. Ho helpful W is! I was right to R.' OTOH, I thought what you're thinking - 'But she cheated!'

About all you can do, IMO, is stay with your thoughts and feelings. If they solidify on the 'But she cheated!' side, R may be wrong for you. If they're what I think is normal 2 year out uncertainty, your doubts will calm down.

Bigger,

If you don’t believe people can change, then go and divorce your wife.
Her actions and words NOW might display who she is NOW. If there had been no personal growth in her since the end of the affair, then her comments now would be two-faced. But if there has been growth…

I agree with what you have stated. I do believe people can change and the way you phrased it is a good way to look at it. Her actions and words NOW display who she is now. Considering she has grown since the affair. I think it just took me off guard me off to be honest, but I do agree with what you stated. It's not something I expected to hear at the time.