I am going to be honest here, and the truth is not always pretty. Please, if you are going to respond to this post, don't do it from a place of outrage or hurt. I am asking anyone who replies to do so from a place of kindness and support, otherwise keep it moving.
My marriage sucks right now. I have grown to be incredible suspicious that the person I felt the safest with has become abusive, whether he consciously recognizes he's doing it or not. It didn't used to be like that. It seems like something has changed, but he won't clue me into what's going on. It feels so much like he's pushing me away the same way I was pushing him away, that I have actually asked him if there was someone else, and if that's the case could he please just tell me so I know what changed and we could work through it, instead of me being stuck here trying to figure it out. Honestly, that would feel like relief at this point. He laughed in my face at the question. That didn't dispel the suspicion at all.
It's gotten to the point where I feel the need to record our interactions because he "remembers" events so differently from the way I do, and it's always conveniently in his favor. I recorded our conversation today about these feelings, and even within that one, I noticed multiple employed manipulation tactics. It was genuinely difficult for me to listen to it back, because I was so focused on repair during the conversation that I didn't even catch them the first time. It makes me want to hold my inner child and comfort her, and tell her that I'm not going to let this happen to us again. I have a plan going forward to try to navigate out of it. I am praying the ultimate solution isn't separation or divorce, because I do love him and want to be with him. I just can't continue abiding by the way he's treating me right now. I can't understand why this is even happening.
But I'm here right now because I sense that the remorse I hold for committing infidelity seems to be waning, and that scares me too. I think I've gone from seeing my Bh as a perfect innocent angel whom I've mortally wounded atop his gleaming pedestal, to a potential mutual abuser that I've hurt down here in the dust with me. I don't find myself making excuses for the infidelity, because nobody deserves that... I just feel less shame for what I've done. A bit more empathy for myself at the time, and a little less for my BH. I know that sounds awful and regressive.
I'm struggling with the idea that he could hurt me in the ways that he has been hurting me, while I'm also supposed to be bending over backwards to comfort him, reduce his anxiety, and aid his healing in whatever way possible. Especially right now, when I'm going out of town for work for a week and staying alone in a hotel room. I have gotten to the point where I feel more confident about my ability to remain faithful-- though I am still keeping in place strict guidelines to keep us safe at all times, particularly when our relationship is on the rocks. But I know he's not feeling good about it. The idea of telling him where I'm going and what I'm doing at all times, and having to answer his every text or phone call even though I'm exhausted and just want to zone all the way out and enjoy my rare alone time, and sound happy about it... is inducing disgust in me, when previously I would have been excited to have the opportunity to be supportive and prove to him that I can be better. And I feel resentment growing in me as I bust my ass to get the house clean and comfortable for him to enjoy while I'm away working. I also feel guilt for having these feelings.
I do want to continue to work on being better, but more for myself right now. Some deep dark part of me wants to tell him to shove his pain where the sun doesn't shine, because I'm way out of spoons to deal with it. I have to keep that part caged and carefully contained for the sake of the long run.
I don't really know what the point of this post is. Maybe just to get the feelings out, or see if anyone has gone through something similar.
