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There is another part of the betrayal I am trying to process and it feels different from the prostitutes (posted seperately) because this person was actually brought near my life.

Years ago my husband had an emotional affair with a co worker. He introduced me to her at his work drinks on two occasions and she was nasty to me and the whole situation made me uncomfortable.

What I cannot get my head around is that on the third occasion I met both her and her husband while her husband was also completely clueless and I recall her sneering at me at the bar and wearing provocative clothing whilst he told me to dress "modestly" as it was a "work colleague" - she was not even in his department.

Later she inserted herself into things that should have had nothing to do with her - she got him to carry a mobile phone to Cyprus to take to her friend and recommended a horrible hotel and somehow became part of our holiday. Her Cypriot friend knew it and was rude to me and also looked at me with that sympathy look - but I had no proof.

After that she also gave us a movie 'Eyes Wide Shut' and told him to "watch it with your wife" and if you know the film it is not exactly appropriate.

He used to mention her name frequently and say that she was unhappy as her husband was much older and she was not being "satisfied" in her marriage. I pulled him up and said she had ill intentions and he defended her saying she "needed someone to talk to" until I said what would he think if a man shared his poor sex life with me.

After that he moved offices so she disappeared. Later I got pregnant and he used to say how beautiful Russian women were as she declared herself Russian although later switched to being Ukrainian. I accidentally bumped into her after I had the baby and she looked venomous when I unknowingly said how happy we were.

At the time those things were confusing and irritating but now they feel loaded because I did not know what was really going on. I was being polite and trying to make sense of someone who was already too close to my marriage while he knew far more than I did.

That is the part that makes me feel sick as it was not only that there was an emotional affair but that I was brought near it without knowing. Her husband did not know either and we were both clueless while they carried whatever this was between them.

I think I am struggling with the humiliation of being around her and not knowing what she represented. The fact that she was able to be nasty to me and insert herself into my life while he let it happen and yes it is all on him. Then years later I am left looking back at those moments with a completely different understanding.

How do you process memories where the other person was actually in your life and you did not know what they really represented?

[This message edited by ButterflyInProgress at 4:38 PM, Saturday, June 13th]

Hi my story is similar to yours except my ex husband actually had a two year physical affair I had no idea about. Her and my ex husband were ushers together at our church ! her husband never came with her because he mentioned to him they weren’t getting along in their marriage. Then she started talking to him about things she was interested in like diving and got him interested just putting herself inappropriately in our marriage. I didn’t think anything of it because I trusted my ex-husband totally we were married 35 years. He never gave me any reason to believe anything else. I did tell him a few times I didn’t trust her and that he was talking to her too much. I ended up finding out about the affair accidentally looking at a charge card receipt. I played the pick me dance with him last year for about six or seven months and it totally destroyed me , he ultimately chose her and we divorced this past September. His reasons were that after he retired he discovered that we don’t have anything in common anymore, and I’m not any fun, I have been devastated by this. I can’t seem to put it to rest. I ruminate day and night at my age. It’s very hard to start over. I’ve never had to do any type of finances never really was alone. I’m going to two separate therapist. I’ve attended divorce care twice. I don’t have any children. I do have some friends, but they’re pretty much getting tired of me being in such a depressing frame of mine. I just can’t get over this betrayal I feel so disrespected, unloved and unwanted. She ended up divorcing her husband as well a few months before ours. This was her fifth marriage by the way! I’m just totally crushed so I understand. I feel duped and stupid for watching this happening to me every week when we went to church they paraded back-and-forth past me and I knew nothing.

Betrayed at 70 I am so sorry you have been through this and I really felt the pain in what you wrote

I feel duped and stupid for watching this happening to me every week when we went to church they paraded back-and-forth past me and I knew nothing.

That is exactly the kind of humiliation I was trying to name as it is not only the affair itself - it is being near it seeing the person/sensing something is wrong, saying you do not trust them and still not having the truth.

You were not stupid you trusted your husband because you were married for 35 years and he had given you no reason to believe he was living that kind of hidden life and that is not stupidity - that is trust being abused.

I also understand what you mean about feeling disrespected unloved and unwanted - being betrayed in plain sight does something very deep because it makes you look back at ordinary places and ordinary moments with a completely different understanding.I am so sorry you are having to start again at this stage of life betrayal grief does not move on just because other people are tired of hearing about it and thank you for sharing this..