SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So, I've been doing this alone. I'm a BP in the first months after discovery, and I guess I need an outlet that involves real, live people. Or the possibility of them. He wants to reconcile, and I want to feel like what I want matters to him.

Why I'm here: we're working through "Getting Past the Affair." I've had a lot of thoughts and feelings outside of our guided work. When I had repeated all of my agony to him twice, I bought a journal. But this thing that has damaged a big part of my sense of how I connect with people isn't finding paper very satisfying. I'm going to try this, and if any of you read it, you'll have my gratitude.

I'm particularly grateful to the long-haul FWSs here, whose full-throated candor and humility and persistence have provided me with some oxygen I didn't know I could get while my WP has hurtful human responses I haven't had to witness from you all. Your generosity here has given me more room to breathe than any other resource I've found. Grateful to any of you who continue to share, from every perspective. Thank you all.

As for me. Four months after discovery, I've understood every single one of my emotions and trains of thought throughout this process. Even the wild and unflattering ones. I've watched the storms and known what each one was responding to and/or trying to accomplish. I know my brain. I can't always predict the choices it will make, but I can witness and understand those choices and learn from them.

But acceptance. Acceptance is too quiet. I'm big on exercising the nonzero control we have over our lives, but I've run out of road on that at the moment. I'm not exactly numb. Not exactly peaceful. But strangely calm. Free of adrenaline, at last (for the moment, at least). Disappointed. Profoundly disappointed.

I spent a little over three months in some denial and heaps of bargaining. I dipped my toe into acceptance, or at least glanced its way, but the truth that he chose not to love me so that someone else could love him sent me into depression. Then my anxiety would kindly, stupidly swoop in to suggest some more bargaining to rescue me from the depression. It was never wrong, really. It was—is—always a good idea to work on myself more. But I'm finally not depressed. Not shattered. Bewildered by the scope, for sure.

In the bargaining, I paid lip service to the notion that we might not make it, that the jury of my heart was still way out. Emotionally and behaviorally, however, I was furiously super-gluing shards back together. I was denying that the relationship was over, ended without my input at all. I'm not now. I'm living with an ex-partner who left me months ago, and now regrets the decision. Since he never moved out, he'd like to see if I'm game to try again. More bargaining.

If he had been open about leaving me, I'd have a whole new and different life now. I wouldn't be considering a new life with him. I don't like that the lies accomplished something. I want them to have been as wholly destructive for him as they have been for me. My sense of justice is offended that I'm considering a new relationship with him, for no other reason than he gleefully cast off his integrity and was wholly uninterested in finding an ounce of respect for me. It's only because I was blindsided that I'm open to it. He gets to take advantage of my brain's knee-jerk aversion to losing something it somehow believes it had, even though it definitely didn't.

He took advantage of many things. He exercised his capacity for selfishness and cruelty. He is not particularly selfish and cruel. Nevertheless, his opportunistic and callous risk assessment worked like a charm. It's my wounded risk assessment that someone should counsel me against. When I needed him to be selfless for our relationship, he peaced out. But now he's asking me to be selfless for the relationship, and there's no making that add up. But life isn't an equation, relationships require compromise, and we all get to make whatever decisions we make. Life is full of bargains. He still looks and smells and feels like my person. I can't always predict the choices he'll make, but I can try to witness and understand those choices and learn from them.

For now, I have to tell myself that all options are on the table. Because I will revert to panic when confronted with the reality of being in relationship with a person who spontaneously left the relationship in the most hurtful way possible. So I cradle my nervous system and tell it we don't have to know right now. That we probably won't ever know, ever again. That the old way of being in relationship, the way where you get to "know" doesn't exist anymore. Never really existed. Not because he betrayed me, but because that's a lazy and naive way for me to bring myself to relationship. Always was.

Now, reconciling means that I commit to being uncertain with the same person until one of us stops committing again. Acceptance isn't something that happens once. It's the habit of re-grounding my mind to reality. Over and over. Forever. I suspect the trick is this: that commitment gets easier if he'll do the same for me one day. I'm skeptical. I'm terrified. Yet I do hope that's an experience future me might get to have.

Thanks again, all.

I don't know your marital status or how long you were together, but betrayal trauma is real trauma. It can take 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity, so you still having the feelings you have is very normal. It's an emotional roller coaster and some of those dips can be a really brutal ride so give yourself some grace.

What all has he done to make amends and demonstrate that he can be a safe partner again? Do you have a full confession and timeline of events, including what all they did? I don't necessarily mean high definition details, but at least what acts, how long, and how often?

I believe most people can recover from pretty much anything, but it takes rebuilding from a foundation of complete transparency, truth, and honesty. You can't forgive what you don't know.

Most importantly, and I think you're working on this, take care of yourself. Make sure you're getting sleep and eating properly. This is hard enough to deal with healthy, let alone compromised from lack of sleep and nutrition.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, it this is a good group of people who unpderstand what you're dealing with. This is not your fault. No matter what state your relationship was in THERE IS NEVER A JUSTIFICATION FOR INFIDELITY. Never. There are always other choices, and that’s what this was. A series of choices he made to betray you. Don't lose sight of that.

Stick around and keep posting. Ask any questions or even just vent if you need it. We're pros at fielding vents. Most of us have been there or are currently going through it right now. I know how isolating this is. Just know that you've been heard. We understand.

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:28 PM, Monday, July 27th]

I want to feel like what I want matters to him.

My reco: don't even consider R unless you have strong evidence that what you want matters to your WS.

My sense of justice is offended that I'm considering a new relationship with him, for no other reason than he gleefully cast off his integrity and was wholly uninterested in finding an ounce of respect for me.

IMO, R requires committing to mercy and putting the desire for justice aside. Justice never really restores balance anyway, again IMO.

reconciling means that I commit to being uncertain with the same person until one of us stops committing again.

Yup. It takes time to rebuild healthy bonds. One's partner can fail at any moment. You can fail at any moment. That's part of life.

But now he's asking me to be selfless for the relationship

My reco is to go into R only if you see a great payoff from success. That means R, IMO, needs to be a selfish act on the part of the people choosing R. That's what allowed me to R despite a desire for justice - if I gave up justice as a goal, I might get the payoff of a W I liked and loved for the rest of my life.

*****

You've accomplished a LOT in 4 months. Just keep in mind that our rule of thumb for recovery is 2-5 years, so you're still in the early stages. For me, recovery was like a repeated cycle of mourning, learning something new each time I revisited a part of the process.

IOW, I'd bet a lot that you'll find lots of surprises in the future. Some will be pleasant; some probably won't be. All will be learning opportunities. An old acquaintance used to call them 'FGOs' - growth opportunities.

*****

I think it's important for BSes to see themselves leading good lives whether they D or R. I did that. I knew what I'd do if we D'ed - but I much preferred to R. But that was my choice. Each of us has to figure out what we really want.

Assuming you continue on the R path, my reco is to develop observable requirements for R. Monitor compliance. If one of you goes off track, get back on track or end R. Much easier said than done....

*****

Welcome to SI.

At the top of most SI pages, you should see a tab called 'the healing library'. I strongly recommend browsing through it and reading the articles that catch your eye.

wow, wow, wow, i hear you, and i empathize your every thought. i too am 1 year into reconciliation, i left July 26, 2025 (it only lasted 1 night) as his mom died the next day, and i gave him credit for being broken by that experience and the belief i wouldn't want to be there for him, in the long run, with his elderly (alzheimers) father moving in. my un answered questions now are "why" and "will i ever be enough" ? for a man who thinks he's invincible, and should be living the life of a much younger, more virile ladies man, without the burdens, and responsibilities he has & resents now. Including me! i feel like he's "tolerating" me, and trying to humour me, as i dug in my heels, and convinced him, we were worth fighting for. he said he was trying to save me, from himself, and pushing me away, before i could leave him, for his actions. But in the same breath he denies having done anything with the girl (40 yrs his Jr.) there was so much lying, i don't know where to believe him, anymore. i want to put trackers on his truck, i want him to open up his phone, the source of my distrust, i want him to explain, in words, instead of getting mad at me for distrusting him. we are 22 yrs into a VERY good life, but his brain doesn't function like other people, and he's lost kids, wives, friends, etc. i'm 60 and i don't want to have to start over, but i've also made a "Plan B" if and when he finally decides we're not meant to be, i'm off FAR, FAR Away! he won't let me go, but he doesn't do anything to get me to stay, besides "being here" - is it enough? can i do with being 2nd best? Will this life ever be enough? i don't know but i'm hanging on with my fingernails. thank you for sharing and if anyone is reading still maybe i've hit a chord you recognize in your story.