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I found out something through my wife’s long-overdue "why" letter, not really a "disclosure letter, that has hit me like another major betrayal, and I genuinely need outside perspective on whether I am reacting appropriately. I have a hard time these days distinguishing trauma response versus justified reaction.

On the night everything blew up, my wife called a friend and left the phone connected while I was reacting to discovering another affair. That friend involved other people, her parents were called, the police arrived, and my father-in-law removed our two oldest children from the home for approximately two days. My wife went to the hospital because she was having a panic attack.

I was never charged with anything. The police quickly realized I had not assaulted or abused her. Our youngest daughter remained with me, and even while I was being wrongly handcuffed in front of her, I did not say a word to her about the affairs, her mother, or what was actually happening. I did everything I could to keep the children out of the adult situation.

In her letter, my wife wrote that she recently asked her father what he told our children that night. He admitted telling them, "It is your Dad’s fault that Mom is like this, and in the hospital. It is what your dad did that caused everything."

When I asked her when she learned this, she said approximately two months ago. She never told me, I even asked if her family and her had been discussing those events, and she flatly denied it. Now she says she thought she told me, she is sure she told me.

That means she knew our 13-year-old son and 11-year-old daughter may have spent the last nine months believing that I abused their mother, caused her breakdown, or put her in the hospital. She knew I had no idea what they had been told and therefore no way to correct it. She knew her father had placed them directly in the middle and damaged their understanding of me, yet she withheld it because addressing it would mean confronting her family.

To me, this is not simply telling me something late. This feels like another serious post-discovery betrayal. Once again, protecting herself and avoiding conflict with her family came at my expense. This time it also came at the expense of our children, who may have been left carrying a frightening and false explanation of that night.

I told her that we need to sit down with only the two children who were exposed to this. I do not intend to give them sexual details, show them evidence, attack their mother or grandparents, or ask them to choose sides. I want to tell them something along these lines:

I need to correct something important that you may have been told or may have believed since the night Mom went to the hospital. You may have been told that I hurt Mom, abused her, or that it was my fault she became so upset and went to the hospital. That is not true.

Mom had just told me about serious choices and secrets in our marriage that had been hidden from me for a long time. Mom had broken important promises in our marriage, and I was devastated when I found out. We were both extremely upset. Mom had a panic attack and needed medical help, but I did not abuse her, hurt her, or cause her hospitalization. The police came because other adults became frightened without knowing the full story, and they quickly realized I had not done what they feared.

You should never have been told that this was my fault or made to feel that you had to choose between your parents. None of this was caused by either of you. You are not responsible for fixing Mom, protecting me, or deciding which adult is right. You are allowed to love Mom, me, Grandma and Grandpa.

I am sorry that you may have been left carrying confusion about that night. I should have been told what was said much sooner so I could correct it. You can ask me questions, and I will answer honestly without burdening you with adult details that children should not have to carry.

My wife has agreed to be present and to state plainly that I did not abuse her, hurt her, or cause her hospitalization; that her panic came from her choices and secrets coming into the open; and that the children should never have been told or left believing it was my fault. Only after I told her I am doing it with or without her.

I believe leaving them with a false belief that their father abused their mother would be more damaging than calmly correcting it. At the same time, I am terrified of putting them any further into something they should never have been involved in.

Am I overreacting by viewing my wife’s silence as another major betrayal? Is this conversation with the children appropriate if it stays factual, age-appropriate and focused on reassuring them?or should I handle it differently?

Everytime I start to calm and see straight, I get thrown more and more. How much can my shoulders really hold.

Before you respond I am not looking for "just leave her already", I am trying my very best.

[This message edited by Gemmy at 5:52 PM, Thursday, July 30th]

Damnit Gemmy, Sigh!

Am I overreacting by viewing my wife’s silence as another major betrayal?

This is a terrible situation. My vote falls on the side that you are not wrong to feel and I believe a true feeling, that you again were betrayed. Also betrayed by your father-in-law. Now, you are in a very difficult space.

Is this conversation with the children appropriate if it stays factual, age-appropriate and focused on reassuring them?or should I handle it differently?
Typically, I fall on the side of not exposing infidelity issues with children. However, you did not expose them, your father-in-law did and then allowed it to fester in the imaginations of your two kids. So, I don’t think you have a good choice but the better of two bad choices is to talk with them. My only other suggestion you might want to consider having your wife express what you have written here as close to exactly what you wrote. I think it is her responsibility to correct the situation. But either way, my hesitant vote says, have the conversation with your two kids.

GOD, I HATE THAT YOU HAVE BEEN PLACED INTO THIS SITUATION AND DIDN’T EVEN KNOW FOR 9 MONTHS!!! ANOTHER BLINDSIDE HIT-DAMNIT!

Asterisk

I do not think you are wrong considering this another betrayal. I also think the conversation with your children was appropriate, and respectful.

I think your wife may have trouble respecting boundaries.

I don't think you're irrational, and it seems you are seeing everything clearly.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. My thoughts are with you.

To be fair I knew they were talking to my kids and they felt they had to pick sides. I have my oldest in therapy for this. I did not know they had told them I abused their mother into the hospital, and that the whole situation was their dads fault.

I wouldn't have guessed any adult capable of doing this, especially with their grandchildren.

To be direct,

No you’re not overreacting. She should be falling all over herself to correct the record with everyone. It should be plainly obvious to you that she is going to put herself and her image above everyone else, including her children. At this egregious level though, I don’t know wtf anyone could do to change themselves out of that behavior.

Did her dad tell the kids how it was all your fault because of the lies she had been telling her parents or did her dad know what was really going on and chose to attempt to harm your relationship with your kids?

Of course you need to tell them something about the truth. This could deeply affect them personally in their future relationships, and it obviously affected what they think of you, even if they don't verbalize it.

My opinion is your wife should fess up. She could tell your kids she cheated on you and that she is now trying to make amends. And yes, what her dad said was wrong and they should disregard it.

In fact, I would take it a step further and both of you should have a discussion with her father. Hiding things doesn't help relationships.

Given what she has done to you, she should be jumping through the walls trying to make this right. She needs to let her old fake image collapse and build a new one. A real one. It starts by taking accountability to everyone.

I can envision her actually being respected greatly for making tremendous wrongs right....if she can only let go of her facade.

I would consider discussing it with your oldest’s therapist first. Not to see if it’s a good idea or not - you should do it - but on what constitutes age-appropriate messaging.

I would correct the record with them, absolutely. I’m thinking about my kids who are 17 and 15…I think 13 and 11 are old enough for sure.

In the part where it’s not their fault I would add that you both love them very much and nothing will ever change that. Otherwise I don’t see a problem with it.

You’re not over-reacting. I really think her correcting the record should be a priority for her and she should be doing it regardless of what the future holds for you two.

You should consider recording her saying that you never abused her.

[edited when I saw your second post noting your oldest is in therapy]

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 6:24 PM, Thursday, July 30th]

Am I overreacting by viewing my wife’s silence as another major betrayal?

No!!! You're not overreacting and this has nothing to do with trauma. This is your WW being (lots of expletives). It's infuriating just to read this! I can't even begin to imagine how you feel.

Personally, I'd insist that she explain this to your children or pack her bags. Today! Immediately! Right fucking now.

She's let this sit for nine months? Police called? You in handcuffs and her in the hospital? And she's never once addressed this with your children?

Unconscionable!

I am terrified of putting them any further into something they should never have been involved in.

They ARE involved. They are your children. You are their parents. There's simply no way around this. They are affected by everything that's going on between you and her. And there's ONE reason for all of it: your wife.

I try very hard to remain as neutral as I can be when helping other members find their own way forward. Whether a member reconciles or divorces is none of my concern so long as they find their peace.

In your case... I honestly believe that this woman is going to keep on shredding your life. She is toxic. You may still love the woman you believed her to be, but she is showing you who she really is. And while you may not want to believe it, because it's hard to believe, you've no choice but to accept it.

You are not overreacting in needing to clear the record with the kids. What you are describing the conversation to be seems okay for those ages but I would anticipate further questions. If the oldest has a therapist I would definitely consult with them just to make sure you have your ducks in a row.

Now, with that said, it’s hard to say if she truly believes she told you or not. There was a lot of chaos around the situation, if she was in a state that she had to be hospitalized then it’s is plausible she may not have had the clearest mind. What did or did not happen. It’s plausible to me that if she thought she told you, she interpreted the further question of have they been discussing it as "has this continued" or "has anything else been said".

Now your wife is also a known liar and probably not a reliable narrator but I have a hard time thinking she would write it in this letter, hand it to you, knowing there was an undisclosed bombshell in it. If she were truly trying to hide it, I think it’s possible she would have just kept hiding it.

Anything you have on this is speculation in either direction. But I don’t think it changes the picture—-all trust is broken right now. It’s perfectly normal you would question all specks of reality.

However, given her known mental state I don’t think it can be ruled out that she thought you knew this detail. There were lots of things that I felt I told in the beginning that he felt he found out later about. I still couldn’t tell you if it was because I really didn’t tell him or because so much of it in his end was drinking from a firehose that he could only take in so much. I can only tell you that I went to therapy for two months prior to my confession with the full intention of disclosing everything, and I stood by that. I wanted to excise the secrets because I earnestly wanted to have the truth in the table and sorted through. I felt I owed that to him.

I do not think we can tell you the answer. I do not think you are over reacting- you did not have this information, and it’s a horrible thing for a grandfather to say to a child. But whether or not she disclosed it before is only a guess here. I am only saying it’s plausible you were both on different wavelengths given the stress and mental state of everyone at the time. I am not telling you to trust her.

I do think it’s negligent she didn’t address it with the children after what had to be a a very scary and destabilizing situation. That to me is maybe the biggest evidence in the other direction. However, even that has plausible opposition of thinking you knew and didn’t seem to want to address it. She likely didn’t want to address it either for selfish reasons. It isn’t great.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:17 PM, Thursday, July 30th]

Also I will add—-it sounds as if she is trying to get the truth on the table now. That may not save your marriage —but if she is doing that through these letters then I would maybe temper yourself a bit with her as to not discourage finding out what you need to know.

I do not mean "you should coddle her" I am saying you should be strategic in a sense as you know you are dealing with an avoidant dishonest person.

If it were me I would resolve the matter with the kids and keep the focus on them. Keep taking in the data and adjust your sails accordingly.

She asked this of her father 2 months ago not when it first happened because our son told us grampa made him feel he had to pick sides. Not while activated, and she told me nothing directly after being questioned about how the talk about boundaries with her parents went. I believe she was terrified of how I would react and tell her parents the whole truth. She told me today that if I tell her parents the whole truth or if she admits everything that they will not love her anymore. She honestly believes love is transactional, this is something I have come to see clearly in the past few months.

I am tempering as much as I can. I know you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

Ah, sorry I didn’t understand that part of it.

I don’t really have anything for you then. Why do you think she put it in the letter?

I wouldn't have guessed any adult capable of doing this,

Where do you think your wife learned this behavior. FOO issues originate with parents.

I feel she is trying to be honest. After the letter she continuously was searching for approval and stated "so we are a clean slate on honesty now?". I replied "How would I know almost every day something new pops up"