SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Because of something asked of me in a different thread, I thought it might be interesting to make a timeline of mistakes made after D-day.

For those who do not know, I am 39 years post my wife’s 1st short-term affair and 34 years out from her 2nd, long-term affair. And boy did I make hundreds, if not thousands, of mistakes on my, nearly 40-year, journey through the thicks of infidelity.

I didn’t have a clue of the countless numbers of mistakes I made until coming here a year ago. (And I came here because, even 3+ decades out, I was still making mistakes.)

This post really isn’t about discussing my missteps, though I am open to that conversation. What I am really interested in is if others will join me in listing their timeline of errors and missteps.

My hope is that in having other veterans of the duplicity that comes with infidelity (both betrayed and wayward) list their mistakes so that people who are newer at all of this will be better able to avoid making the same mistakes. And as secondary benefit, the timelines may also help those who might see themselves in the mistakes of others and stop beating themselves up for they are not alone with their blunders.

Affair 1:
1st mistake: was my thinking there is no way in hell that my Christian wife would be having an affair. I could see that her relationship with this other dude wasn’t quite right, but an affair, no way. Though I couldn’t put my finger on what was going on between them, I did pull her aside and ask her if she shouldn’t be concerned about where she was headed with this other guy. (Note: I have never been a type of man who gets worked up if my wife has good male friends. I encouraged it then and I encourage it now.)
2nd mistake (A BIG ONE): when I confronted her and she told me she was having an affair I made an ultimatum – "Him or Me" She chose him. Sigh.
3rd mistake (AN EVEN BIGGER ONE): I killed my pride, tucked my tail between my wabbly legs and negotiated with her that she could stay in phone (not physical) contact with him if she would agree to counseling. If she agreed to that, I’d wait for her to make her choice. (That was 3 horrendous months of waiting!)
4th mistake: I looked at the affair through the lens of sin and forgiveness
5th mistake: I turned to my church and paster for advice and counseling
6th mistake: In our Christian counseling sessions certain scriptures were used to equate my sin of the heart, to my wife’s sin of the flesh. Matthew 5:28: "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." James 2:10: "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it."
7th mistake: I gave forgiveness/grace without understanding or changes made
8th mistake: I did not seek outside help for myself or my wife.
9th mistake: I asked my wife for her forgiveness of my sins of the heart.
10th mistake: swept everything under the, some say rug, I say, in my case, under the foot of the cross.

Well, that was much longer than I had expected so maybe I’ll be kind and skip all the many mistakes, some very different than the 1st go around, I made after my wife’s second affair. The one thing I did right the 2nd time around was to look outside of my faith bubble and beliefs as they were taught to me and I took as unchangeable truth, to find healing and peace. Please know, I am very aware and supportive of those who have found strength and what they needed for healing within their faith.

Asterisk

I am only a little over eight months out from D-day, but I can already see a pretty long list of mistakes I have made. Some were trauma responses, some were desperate attempts to regain control, and some were simply wrong.

None of them make me responsible for the affairs, the years of lying, the risks to my health, or the character assassination. And they all still fill me with rage no doubt. But what I did after discovery still belongs to me, and I have to be honest about that too.

1st mistake: I kept believing that each new disclosure was finally the full truth. Every time she told me there was nothing else, part of me desperately wanted to believe her. I repeatedly tried to rebuild on ground that had already collapsed beneath me several times.

2nd mistake: I thought enough questions and investigation would eventually make me feel safe. I went over timelines, compared statements, checked old phones, and searched for inconsistencies. Some of it uncovered truth I needed to know, but I also convinced myself there was one final answer out there that would somehow make all of this make sense. There wasn’t, isn't, and could never be.

3rd mistake: I pain shopped long after I already understood what I was looking at. I read through fifteen years of messages and found a parallel marriage. She would be thanking me for being patient and understanding while telling someone else I was angry, cold, volatile, or borderline abusive. I needed reality, but there were times I kept digging even after reality had already beaten me over the head.

4th mistake: This is a big one I am only starting to comprehend. I believed that if I explained the damage clearly enough, painfully enough, or graphically enough, she would finally understand it. I kept searching for the exact words that would make her feel the full weight of what she had done. I am finally starting to accept that I cannot force empathy, depth, remorse, or self-examination into another person.

5th mistake: I stayed in conversations after I was flooded. I knew I needed silence and distance, but I sometimes kept engaging long after I had lost the ability to speak like the man I wanted to be. I said vicious, degrading, and graphic things. My rage and disgust were real, but some of the ways I expressed them were cruel. I cannot pretend otherwise just because I was deeply hurt.

6th mistake: I spent far too much time trying to get accountability from people who had already shown me they had no intention of giving it. I wanted her family to acknowledge the truth, stop minimizing, stop spreading their rewritten version of our marriage, and understand the damage they were helping create. I kept expecting honesty and decency from people whose main concern was protecting themselves and their daughter.

7th mistake: I judged myself for not healing faster. It has only been eight months, yet I expected myself to somehow absorb two affairs, years of deception, risks to my health, a false story spread about me, damage involving my children and in-laws, and the loss of nearly every memory I once thought was safe. I treated the fact that I was not recovering quickly enough as one more thing wrong with me.

8th mistake: I made her progress the center of my life, this one really kept me held back. I watched every word, every therapy session, every apology, every promise, and every failure. One good conversation would give me hope and one bad one would destroy it. I gave her far too much control over whether I had a good day or a terrible one, one stupidly worded text would ruin my work day.

9th mistake: I kept explaining boundaries to people who already understood them. I thought that if I explained myself one more time, used better words, or made the consequences clearer, they might finally respect me. What I am learning is that a boundary is not an argument I need to win. It is a decision about what I will accept and what I will do when it happens again.

What I am slowly learning, thanks in large part to the fine people of SI, is that acknowledging my mistakes does not require me to accept responsibility for hers. My reactions did not travel backward through time and cause her betrayals. My worst moments after discovery do not somehow make the affairs fifty-fifty, no matter how much some people want to believe this. Those decisions were hers and her broken selfs.

But I also do not want what she did to become a lifelong pass for me to behave in ways that go against my own values. Regardless of whether this marriage survives, I do not want betrayal to decide what kind of man I become. Take this from a man still deep in survival and crisis though, one million more mistakes incoming I am quite sure.

Interesting question.

Before I list, I want people to understand that I was physically and psychologically tortured by my father for 18 years, at which point I married and left the house. I was also repeatedly raped by my older brother over the ages of 6 to 10 (he joined the navy, so he was gone then). These traumas resulted in my belief that I pretty much deserved to be treated badly - and was physically abused by my boyfriend all through high school and my first year of college. I understand the effects now - but throughout all of this, I really didn’t.

First, my ONS (in 1976):

1. I acted impulsively.

2. I acted out of anger at something my husband had done (setting me up in a "swinger" situation without talking to me about it first).

3. I did it because a handsome man thought I was attractive. Coming from my background of severe physical and psychological torture, I had little belief in my attractiveness, and that was a huge reason.

4. I was damned stupid.

5. I made terrible choices every step of the way. The except would be that I confessed immediately, but that does nothing to mitigate my behavior.

6. I swept it under the rug.

7. I failed to get outside help, which would easily have identified PTSD and the effects on me.

—-

Now his seven affairs and my behavior as a betrayed spouse.

Affair #1 (I classify this as a revenge affair, occurring about a week after my ONS) 1976:

1. I swept it under the rug, and failed to even address the actual issues in our marriage.

2. I accepted it as my just punishment.

3. I failed to get outside help, believing this was all my fault. I still think this way at times.

Affair #2 in 1977:

1. I ignored my gut and accepted the lie he told.

2. I swept it under the rug, preferring to again ignore our issues.

3. I failed to confront the OW for details.

4. I failed to get outside help.

5. I did not confront the trickle truth over decades.

—— we separated in 1978 for about 3 months, I do not know if Affair #3 occurred just before or just after because I only found out about it in 2023—-

Affair #3 1978:

1. I never knew about it until 45 years later, never even suspected.

Affair #4 1978:

1. I rugswept it, because I was afraid he would leave me again.

2. I lived in fear of being alone, instead of demanding change.

3. I failed to get outside help.

4. While I did confront OW, I failed to ask for details which could have helped me get the facts.

5. I failed to address my insecurities and PTSD from my childhood traumas. That would have helped me more than anything, I think.

Affair #5 2005:

1. I failed to let OBS know what happened. He was an administrator where I worked, and I still feel like I did wrong by him. He was a nice person.

2. I reacted by panicking.

3. I again ignored childhood traumas in myself, and failed to get outside help.

4. I did go on "Marriage Builders" which basically convinced me that his cheating was because I failed to meet "his needs", so that kind of sealed my thought process on it being my fault.

5. I did not demand full disclosure, leading to my not discovering Affair #6.

6. I rugswept. About 3 weeks after DDay, he was diagnosed with cancer and the next many months were consumed with treatment, doctors, and surgery, as well as his physical recovery.

7. I should have left then, but was convinced it was my fault and he would change.

Affair #6 2005, and again in 2010:

1. At the time, I had no idea he was having two affairs - #5 and #6 at the same time. While I asked for disclosure and even asked him about this particular woman, he denied it in 2005 on DDay for #5. I believed him.

2. In 2010, the OBS said something to me like "why didn’t you tell me?" I thought he was talking about AP6 having yet another affair with a different man - had no idea he was talking about my husband. She had multiple affairs. I had no idea, and should have asked him what he meant. I said "I thought you knew" - because at the time, one of her affair partners literally had a tent pitched in their backyard.

3. I didn’t find out until I was leaving him a year after the DDay in 2023 on affair #7. I was completely blindsided.

4. Once I learned of this affair, I called OW, expecting her to be honest (we had been friends for 25 years). I was stupid to expect that.

Affair #7 lasting 2020-2023:

1. I reacted in panic.

2. I froze.

3. I took on all of the recovery efforts for the first year.

4. I begged for information, and let trickle truth happen for ANOTHER YEAR. That’s when he confessed fully to #2 and #6.

5. I tried to blame myself, but FINALLY got outside help and into therapy.

6. I waited way too long to decide to stop threatening, and finally walk out the door with a demand he seek treatment and stop his avoidant behavior, gaslighting, lies, and silence.

7. I forgave far too soon - before I even knew what I was forgiving. (I took it back later.)

8. I let him blame me.

9. I tried to talk to OW, who was a friend for 48 years, expecting honesty. She lied. She was horrible to me. Do not recommend.

10. I accepted his fake apology.

[This message edited by 5Decades at 7:05 PM, Friday, July 31st]