SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello again , if you want to read my story it’s posted in the "just found out " section , but to summarize , it’s been about a week since I found evidence that my partner of 5 years paid an escort for oral sex. At first he denied it , but after a few days of space he came clean and told me everything. We are not legally married , but we live together. The first few days after I found out were unbearable. Now, I feel a bit of relief after having him come clean and express remorse / desire to do better / work on the relationship. However, I just don’t know. I don’t know what to do next. He agreed to couples therapy. Our relationship was pretty wonderful at some point in the past. I really do love him and feel a deep connection to him, close as family. I just don’t know if I can get over the disrespect. Or rather, I feel like I can forgive him. But I’m not sure if I want to take the risk of ever feeling like that again. So how do I decide if it’s worth it?
What are the rules and boundaries in the meantime ? We are sharing the same bed (it’s a big bed , we’re not touching ). How long to give myself to make a decision ? Because currently I am flip flopping. I need to be able to decide "yes I will try to reconcile and give it a chance " or " no it’s not worth recovering " , but right now I am just not at that point. So what do I do in the meantime? How do I discover and listen to my own voice and feelings ? What kind of boundaries should I put up while I am trying to figure it out ? (Obviously not being intimate is one I am sticking to for the indefinite future). Currently just trying to take care of myself and eat and sleep and keep busy. But I don’t want to be in limbo forevermore .

My advice would be that you not make any decisions right away.

You have time to decide. You really do. You can stay put while you decide, or you can go elsewhere to decide, or ask him to leave temporarily while you decide. There’s no rush, though. The fact is that you can decide to try, and still can leave at any point in the future if you change your mind.

One thing I know is that at this stage of things, it is very likely that you don’t have all of the information you need. You don’t yet have a timeline of events from him, which can help. You may not have all the information on whether or not he has had other affairs, either.

You may want him to do a therapeutic disclosure, where a counselor assists in him writing out a full and complete admission, and reads it you you in a controlled setting.

You may need time to go through his emails and texts and calls.

There are a million reasons to delay a decision.